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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Avoiding my friend

10 replies

Octowussy · 03/12/2023 10:37

I have been friends with "Jamie" for maybe a decade but we aren't as close as we used to be. Jamie has always had poor mental health which was obvious during secondary school.

I hadn't heard from Jamie for a couple of years and, not to sound awful, but I felt relieved. It felt exhausting to be Jamies friend, every conversation would always lead back to herself, offloading all of her problems and discussing her mental health, I didn't/couldn't support her as I had my own things going on which have resulted in a lot of trauma.

Jamie has reached out to me after a couple of years and nothing has really changed. I do feel bad for her as her mental health has not improved, in fact, it's even worse but, I'm just not sure how to be there for her.

When she reached out to me, she unloaded all of her problems regarding her MH and I just don't know what to say. Most conversations, she'll have something negative to throw in e.g. I sent her a picture of a new top I considered getting for a work event and asked for opinions and the response was along the lines of "I've put so much weight on since we last saw eachother, I'd not fit in that" instead of an actual opinion of the top.

I know I sound awful but I'm just not sure how to navigate this. Jamie wants to meet up and I keep putting it off/rearranging in order to avoid her. I have my own struggles to cope with at the moment and it seems hard trying to support someone else.

I think I am definitely being unreasonable avoiding her but I'm not sure what to do right now. Any advice is kindly appreciated.

OP posts:
MisNb · 03/12/2023 11:12

It sounds like Jamie hasn't been a friend now for a number of years. I would start by reframing your relationship with Jamie to acquaintance who you've supported in the past but don't feel you can anymore/those days are over.

I don't think you are being unreasonable avoiding her (well arranging something and then flaking is unreasonable) if you find the whole interaction draining. It sounds like you feel very obliged despite the fact she didn't contact you for a couple of years.

You say that you're not sure how to be there for her though - do you want to be there for her? It is ok to not be able to do this - you have to look after your mental health too. You've tried.

zingally · 03/12/2023 11:44

It sounds like neither of you are massively invested in this friendship.

It's perfectly okay to keep saying no to meet-ups. Presumably Jamie isn't stupid, she'll get the message eventually.

In the meantime, go deliberately low/no contact. No more messaging for opinions about tops or other things. She's already shown time and time again that she's got no interest in engaging in other topics besides herself.

If she messages with a diatribe about her MH, a simple response of "Oh gosh, that sounds hard. x" will do. You get to decide if you want to be drawn in or not.

Original poster
Octowussy · 03/12/2023 12:23

@MisNb @zingally Thank you both for your advice. Yes I agree that the flaking is unreasonable, it's just at first, meeting up sounded great and Jamie was the one who suggested meeting, but as we've had more conversations it sounds less and less appealing and more exhausting if anything. I have had some appointments pop up and Jamie has also had to cancel and I end up feeling relieved so I do feel bad about that.

OP posts:
SignoraItaliana · 03/12/2023 12:34

I have a friend like Jamie. She's not interested in me, my family, my life, at all. She only ever talks about herself, her poor finances, her weight, her parents, her sister, the fact she's perennially single, her unhappiness, her terrible job, her lack of friends, and on and on and on. I decided a couple of years ago to stop engaging with her, and now I simply get a couple of sheets of A4 listing her miserable existence every Christmas. I don't even read it now. She's a joy sucker in every sense of the word, and it may sound harsh, but my life is better without her negativity in it.

MisNb · 03/12/2023 13:12

I know it is awkward when someone keeps asking to meet up and you just really, really don't want to and they don't take the hint.

As @zingally - no more messages about your life at all, or engaging with her latest woe beyond a simple platitude. No questions. If pushed about meeting again then I would go with something like 'no, won't be able to fit in a meet up. Have a great Christmas x'...and if probed further 'I'll let you know if it changes. Take Care x' and more probing/pushing for date...'Jamie - I've said no.'

girlfriend44 · 03/12/2023 13:15

Sounds really boring. No laughter, no banter, no fun, no jokes.

Original poster
Octowussy · 03/12/2023 13:54

SignoraItaliana · 03/12/2023 12:34

I have a friend like Jamie. She's not interested in me, my family, my life, at all. She only ever talks about herself, her poor finances, her weight, her parents, her sister, the fact she's perennially single, her unhappiness, her terrible job, her lack of friends, and on and on and on. I decided a couple of years ago to stop engaging with her, and now I simply get a couple of sheets of A4 listing her miserable existence every Christmas. I don't even read it now. She's a joy sucker in every sense of the word, and it may sound harsh, but my life is better without her negativity in it.

Yes it's the same with Jamie and I do find it really intense. I can't even ask "how are you" without receiving paragraphs about how utterly terrible everything is. I feel bad ignoring her as she doesn't really have any friends and family relationships are strained but at the same time, I just can't do it

OP posts:
Original poster
Octowussy · 03/12/2023 13:57

girlfriend44 · 03/12/2023 13:15

Sounds really boring. No laughter, no banter, no fun, no jokes.

@girlfriend44 this is pretty accurate tbh. Every conversation is just about her problems. Upon reflection, growing up with her, she was never someone you could have a laugh with. At school she'd sit around at break/lunch time just quiet/refusing to eat or engage with the group etc

OP posts:
Hastheslotharrivedyet · 03/12/2023 14:00

SignoraItaliana · 03/12/2023 12:34

I have a friend like Jamie. She's not interested in me, my family, my life, at all. She only ever talks about herself, her poor finances, her weight, her parents, her sister, the fact she's perennially single, her unhappiness, her terrible job, her lack of friends, and on and on and on. I decided a couple of years ago to stop engaging with her, and now I simply get a couple of sheets of A4 listing her miserable existence every Christmas. I don't even read it now. She's a joy sucker in every sense of the word, and it may sound harsh, but my life is better without her negativity in it.

I had one of these for about 15 years. Self-centred to a ludicrous level. Talking over and over about the same subject for around ten years and off loading on me as unpaid counsellor. Knew nothing about me. I was just a sounding board. I binned off for the sake of my sanity. Harsh but necessary x

Cherrysoup · 03/12/2023 14:02

I got excellent advice on here a couple of years ago about the same thing and that advice was to block and ignore. She hasn’t been a proper friend for a long time.

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