Saying goodbye to GP (TW terminal illness)

[Moreveganice]

My Dd is 10 and has always been close to her GM.

Her GM is now very poorly and on end of life care. For complex reasons which are outing so I can’t go into them here Dd has not been able to visit her since GM went Into hospital about 2 months ago.

Dd has asked to go but DH and his family have said no as it will be too distressing for DD to see her GM so ill. I think Dd would be more distressed about keeping things from her. ?

WWYD?

At 10 she should be able to understand that her GM is very ill.
Can you tell her, in age appropriate language the situation.
It would be a horrible shock to be told out of the blue about her death.
Is facetime an option?

My friend lost her mum yesterday to cancer. She took the children (8 and 12) to see her a few times, when she looked a little brighter and the last few weeks she didn’t atall. I’d take her to see her personally

I would take her and explain to her that in the last moments the person can hear and feel the touch. and to prepare her with a few words that she would say. There will be a coffin at the end of this stage and it will be sad that she cannot ever talk to her again in this life. I would make the journey as soon as possible.

All the best OP.

I’d take her to visit. Took my slightly younger DC to hospice in similar situation and really pleased I did.

I would explain everything to her in an age appropriate way. Make sure she knows that people can look quite different when they’re very poorly (I know younger cousins of mine who hadn’t seen our grandparents regularly in the last few months of their lives were very shocked and upset by the fact that they were much thinner and didn’t look as they had in their head).

I personally would take DD to visit and be sure that she knows she can leave at any moment. I understand DH trying to protect her but I actually think it’s healthy for children to be exposed to these natural parts of life (in an age appropriate way and supported by other adults).

What stage is she at OP? Is she still verbal in any way? I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this 💐

I spent a while doing spiritual advising at a hospice. There was an entire bereavement team as well, and the head of it was wonderful with children, but some people would specifically ask our advice on this topic (I was paired with a sort of Catholic priest - long story). Anyway, he and I were basically of the same opinion - if the person can still communicate, it can be really beneficial for the child to visit, especially if they have a relationship and are missing that person. However, if the person is now so ill that they can no longer communicate, then that’s when it may be upsetting for the child (maybe it won’t be, but it’s a very uncertain situation).

This is perhaps a battle that should have been fought sooner in the last two months BUT I do understand that you say there were reasons that are outing, so we can’t possibly know, and I know losing a mother for your DH and possibly his siblings, a wife if you have a FIL, a sister if MIL has siblings - it can become a very large circle of grief. But I imagine that this will be the first big loss in your child's life, and at 10, I would think she would handle it much better if she could tell her gran one more time that she loved her, etc. If DH's family will not budge or MIL can no longer communicate, perhaps encourage DD to write a letter. I also do not know if your daughter has any additional issues that would make visiting a very ill gran in hospital harder for her at age 10 (if she is scared of hospitals or doctors or a very “young” 10 or has additional needs).

Good luck, OP. This is SUCH a tough thing to sort out, and I’m sure other people will have varying advice so take whatever feels most useful to you.

Personal experience - I was took, willingly, to see my grandfather, in hospital, when he was dying - I was about 14. It was a horrendous shock to see him unconscious, with tubes, noisy breathing, etc. I was very upset, and the image has stayed with me, and I'm 54. And I'm definately not a wuss - I'm actually a nurse and worked in emergency care for many years. Have you been yourself? If not I would take advice of those who are experiencing the situation. Your daughter needs to be fully informed, in an age appropriate way, of what is happening though.

Let her visit.

When I was 11 my grandmother died - she lived in another country.

I hadn't been nice to her that summer (teenagers innit) and wanted to go to say goodbye.

My mother wouldn't let me go. The excuse was "I had to go to school" (which I hated btw) but the real reason was that she had a lot of beurocracy to deal with, thought I would be bored and distressed. And I ended up missing it.

I am still very angry about it now and I'm 40 years old. My mum also acknowledges now that it was a stupid decision.

If your daughter really wants to go, you should explain to her quite how unwell GP is, how GP looks, what she can expect, tell her that it might be very scary, be honest with her and give her all the information so that she can make her own decision. 10 IMO is young but old enough.

Then ask her if she still wants to go.

And if she still does want to go, then take her at a time that will be least dressing, that will be relatively peaceful for both.

It may well be that GP would also like to say goodbye.

These times are tough, but it's something we have to learn deal with, and can't be protected from at the end. Including your DD. This, unfortunately, is part of life.

Have you seen GM recently? My children hadn’t seen by mother other than a brief 10 mins in the 6 weeks before she died as young children weren't allowed on the ward. On her final day her nurse asked if any grandchildren were coming in. I said mine wouldn’t because by that point she looked and behaved very differently.

I would try and describe what GM is like now and what will happen and ask your daughter.