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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you feel if your husband

19 replies

Idont2346889 · 02/12/2023 20:06

My DH often mentions how great his female colleague is to work with. He tells me he chats to her often about all kinds of stuff - even his childhood. They have coffee a lot too. Is this all innocent or should I be suspicious?

OP posts:

80skid · 02/12/2023 20:09

Had a friend?

percyfection · 02/12/2023 20:22

Have you met her or seen them together?

Original poster

Idont2346889 · 02/12/2023 20:49

No. We live in the countryside, and they work together in London. She’s from his home country, so maybe he just feels close to her because of that.

OP posts:

ItsBaltic · 02/12/2023 20:58

I wouldn't be comfortable with it if it were me but you know your DH and will have a better idea of whether it's likely to be an innocent friendship or if it's straying into emotional affair territory.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 21:01

Mentionitis is definitely a thing, and becoming emotionally intimate with someone besides your spouse can be a very, very slippery slope. Your husband needs to be careful.

Lampzade · 02/12/2023 21:04

I wouldn’t like it tbh. As another poster said, it is your dh and you know what he is like
Has he ever behaved like this before?

Sapphire387 · 02/12/2023 21:06

I would tell him you are worried about it, tbh.

AuntMarch · 02/12/2023 21:09

I was quite close to a guy I worked with in my last job. I'd mention him often because we had a lot of conversations and he made me laugh a lot.
We were both single and it still wasn't anything more than a friendship.

Only you know your husband though.

Original poster

Idont2346889 · 02/12/2023 21:10

How do you mean?

OP posts:

Original poster

Idont2346889 · 02/12/2023 21:15

What worried me was that he heard she might be leaving, so he went over to talk to her to tell her he would be sad if she left and that he was here for her to have a coffee anytime. But this could be your normal colleague conversation. From what I understand, they are under a lot of pressure at work and often offload to each other. They don’t meet after work as she leaves early, and he has a train to catch. I don’t know. I think it’s all fine, but I'm getting a bit suspicious. Maybe just friends bonded under the pressure of work

OP posts:

Mazuslongtoenail · 02/12/2023 21:15

Mentionitis is definitely a thing.

On the flip side, that could be an exact description of me and a male colleague. DH always used to say ‘you love Bob!’ (In a good natured way, never jealous). Now I wfh and DH hears all our conversations and sees how we just get on so well and know what the other is thinking. It’s nice to work with someone where the dynamic is easy.

theduchessofspork · 02/12/2023 21:18

The mentionitus is what’s odd.

I have friends of both sexes and so does my partner but neither of us would give the other a running commentary on our friendships

The primary appeal may well be that she’s from home, but I would talk to him quite directly about not allowing this to become an emotional affair, either by stepping back completely or limiting their coffees

Original poster

Idont2346889 · 02/12/2023 21:25

Yeah, and the fact he keeps on saying how good she’s to work with. He tries to involve her into his projects a lot too

OP posts:

LuvMyBoyz · 02/12/2023 21:29

I found out about 5 years ago that my husband had developed friendships with two women at work when he started meeting up with them out of work. The three of them had a WhatsApp group. If I asked about them he’d tell me what I wanted to know and I’ll admit I felt a bit put-out. However, I do go out with a few men involved in my hobby and so I reasoned that he was trusting me so I should trust him. I have only met these women once (by chance) but I have come to accept how much him having them as friends means to him and these days he openly shares their news and dramas with me.

Your husband’s friend at work seems to be doing him some good so be wary of not being trusting.

Rocknrollstar · 02/12/2023 21:54

DH was always friendly with the women he worked with him but that was all it ever was. WE married when he was at uni and the women on his course were always friendly because they knew he was safe and wouldn’t make a move on them. When I was working my closest friend was the man who sat opposite me and saw me through some bad times. Why can’t people of the opposite sex be friends?

percyfection · 02/12/2023 22:04

Sounds like a nice supportive friendship.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/12/2023 22:38

You will get some people saying mentionitis is a thing and others who would say its more suspicious if he kept quiet about her. It is perfectly acceptable to have friends of the opposite sex. It doesn't mean you want to have sex with them even if you discuss personal matters.

BodyKeepingScore · 03/12/2023 08:55

This wouldn't raise alarm bells with me. I'd be glad he's found someone he enjoys talking to and feels supported in work by. If he's being upfront and honest with you OP I'd take that as a good sign that there's nothing for you to worry about 😊

gannett · 03/12/2023 09:01

You could be describing most of the friendships I've developed through work (men and women).

Also normal to mention friends and colleagues to your partner. DP knows the names of my team, I know the names of his closest colleagues.

On MN everything is suspicious though. If your partner mentions a colleague, it's mentionitis. If he doesn't, he's keeping secrets. Honestly it comes down to whether you trust him or not.

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