To not give ex on demand updates re DC?

[AliceInWonderlines]

Abusive ex. 6mo child. He does not see child.
Ex will go MIA for weeks at a time and not make any contact then out of no where will ask "how's my child" and if I don't respond because I'm busy within minutes I will get tirades of abuse messages to me.

Because of this, I've asked that my brother takes over as point of contact. My brother has asked what the expectation is here - should he just reply every time he messages and engage every time straight away or should he offer a weekly update message unless there's anything major to report in between?

I don't know. It's such a mess. Any advice welcome!!

Personally I'd block on my phone and get your brother to update him once a month
Is your brother friends with him or is it just that he knows him via you?

If he does not see child, no updates. He doesn’t care. Sounds like another form of abuse so disengage, both you and your brother.

No updates.

I’d say the same - I would update on anything important - other than that a photo and a message once a month.

Any chance you could just ignore ex completely? Or do you think he’ll push for access if you do?

I would either:

• change my number and communicate with ex via a new email address
• get , or get DB, a PAYG sim that is only for ex

then I would send or get DB to send one update a week but only if ex asks. I wouldn’t proactively send updates.

What is the likely hood of him getting passed off enough to go for a CAO?
Would you be happy with him taking the child out?

I'd weigh up what I'd rather least. The annoying messages or him starting to actually show up...
If there's no possibility of court. I'd block him on all formats.

Weekly update message, unless there is some sort of terrible emergency (which of course I hope there never will be). It may be that your brother will find it easier to maintain boundaries with the ex because he doesn't have that emotional history with him, as well.

If he doesn’t see DC then fortnightly updates and anything major between that. I think you will find your ex will stop caring if it’s your brother as it won’t get / annoy / be about bothering you.

Beware your ex will try and find another way to abuse you he may come for contact just to get under your skin

Document and screenshot everything!!

I've documented and screenshotted everything for months. It's getting worse.

DB is certainly not a friend, but happy to be point of contact to try and stop the constant stream of nastiness pouring in. I think he might try for contact through the court if he gets cross enough and I want to try and be fair by giving updates when wanted and I'm so grateful my brother will step in and do that for me, I just want to set out really clear boundaries so I'm not just dumping a load of crap on my brother.

That is such a noble thing for your DB to take on.
Weekly updates, with an assurance that important information will be passed on asap.

I'd tell him to F off. If he wants to know how he is he can arrange regular contact. I wouldn't respond.

Tell db to send stock pics.. He has no real interest in your dc. Is he on the bc?

Yes he is on the bc

Reckon your brother could manage the following;

How's my child?

Fine.

How's my child?

Fine.

How's my child?

Fine.

You could say you've got a new number and forget to mention that he's contacting your brother and not you, too.

Or provide an email address with an automatic reply set up to say ''Child' is fine. You will be notified if this changes'.

With a link at the bottom of the email to the CMS.

Don't get your brother to do regular updates. This is keeping your ex in your life unnecessarily. It means he needs to make no effort at all.

I would say your brother gives a time to respond that's reasonable to your brother & you.

e.g. he agrees to respond within 2 days - except in exceptional circumstances - when your ex asks for an update. (Or whatever time frame works for you)

Don't just screen shot, make sure you back up and/or print. My sister used screen shots of text message conversations as evidence in court. If they're just on your phone and you lose it, you have nothing.

I wouldn't be surprised if your ex pops up when he gets a new girlfriend and plays the "my ex was crazy and doesn't let me see my kid" card

Good point.

I did think about just completely blocking and not responding ever again but if it did all go to court does that not look awful? I'm trying to do the right thing

You need to be seen as being reasonable. At least this way you've kept the lines of communication open. When my sister went through court they were entirely happy for there to be a third party point of contact (me in this case) for both communication and hand overs.

Thanks @StopLickingTheDog, that's my thinking that it's reasonable and fair to try and keep lines of communication open. I don't think he would be abusive or nasty to my brother. I actually wonder if he will bother to even make any contact with him at all either out of shame or just lack of interest.

Just message him saying if he wants to arrange regular contact he can but you won't be updating him on everything. Normal separated parents don't update the other parent as they are actively involved. Its not about the child, it's about him having contact with you and I completely agree he will likely not bother texting your brother.

I would ask your brother to send an update once a week on a defined day that works for him eg every Sunday and to assure ex that if anything urgent crops up he will be informed. Your brother doesn't need to jump when ex says so.
You will be seen as being very reasonable should he go to court as you've formalised contact even though he has been abusive and doesn't want to see his child.

I listened to a podcast this week from the Danish Stalling Center and they covered this exact scenario. Their advice was to be available via email once a week for an hour at a reasonable time. So you message him that in future he is welcome to email Q's regarding DC and you will answer relevant points between (eg) 8-9am every Sunday.

Don't block him on the phone because you need documentation of continued harrassment after you've given the cease and desist message. But do NOT engage. Don't answer calls, or texts, messages etc.

I think the brother texting every week as an open ended commitment is a terrible idea.

How long will he do that for? The next 18 years, every single week? What if the ex doesn't even bother to reply? Does the brother just carry on texting indefinitely anyway?