Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To tell Dsis back off about our dad’s house??

50 replies

Whybobbins · 02/12/2023 10:00

Went out for family dinner with Ddad, and dsis and her DH.
Ddad is a hale and hearty 70, widowed, owns his own modest house. He’s retired and doesn’t have much in the way of assets at all other than the house.

DSis brought up the subject of dad’s hse and about how he needed to sign it over to me and her to avoid future potential care fees. She’s said this before - when Her DH dad died the sibs ended up paying some of his care to avoid losing the family home -aka their inheritance. They all have plenty of money and it all seemed a bit grabby to me.

this visibly upset dad as he doesn’t want to be thinking about ing being stuck in a care home etc bit she went on and on.

Theres loads of reasons why he shouldn’t IMHO - and dsis and I have good jobs, enough money, and quite frankly neither of us NEED the money from his house anyway. Plus, if he can’t live independently there are other options, like live with me, live at home with help, assisted living etc.

seeing her today and going to tell her to leave him alone about it! But worried it will cause a row…

YANBU - it’s his money, he can do what he likes and it should be used to make sure he has a comfortable future

YABU - she’s being sensible and planning ahead.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whybobbins · 02/12/2023 10:47

I will speak to her. I have told Pa to tell them his not interested if it comes up again, and let me know so I can talk to her then too.
And also this plan won’t work anyway I think.
I have kids and DSis doesn’t - am wondering if she’s worried that Ddad might change his will to give it to them or something.
I wouldn’t let him, that would cause a rift and I would feel obliged to try to give her the money, which I can’t afford to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whybobbins · 02/12/2023 10:50

In UK were used to this cradle to grave care by the state, but it’s no longer sustainable with our ageing population and quite frankly I think that if you have assets or a house to make your end of life more comfortable then that’s what you should be doing with your money.
Dad and mum worked hard all their lives to own this modest house - why should he give it up sooner than he has to?
If DSis thinks we should keep the house in the family then when/if the time comes for a need for $$ for care then we should pay for it.

OP posts:

Tempnamechng · 02/12/2023 10:52

Big no, she needs to back off. We know of a couple who signed their substantial family pile over to their dc to avoid inheritance tax. It backfired spectacularly as when their ds divorced the ex wife went after her 50% forcing her in laws out of their home. Signing over assets to avoid care home costs is a dangerous game to play. My dps and in laws are similar age to your df, and we wouldn't dream of pushing anything like that.

HoHoHoliday · 02/12/2023 10:54

Neither of you are entitled to any inheritance, your sister is being grabby!
Should your father need care, the quality of that care will be significantly enhanced if he has money to fund it. I have first hand experience of both care that's provided for free and private care that's paid for. Your father would do well to hold on to his house entirely for this reason!
That house is your father's asset. It is not your's and your sister's in waiting.

ionlywantto · 02/12/2023 10:56

Tempnamechng · 02/12/2023 10:52

Same thing happened to my auntie when my cousin divorced, such a mess.

PinkiOcelot · 02/12/2023 11:01

aswarmofmidges · 02/12/2023 10:39

But would your mother have had the same care , the same choices , if she didn't have her home to pay her way with ?

Show quote history

Yes. In the home she was in, there were people who had moved from a council house (I know for certain) who were getting same care etc. I believe it’s not like that throughout the country.

My mam was well cared for to the end, so that’s all that matters really.

Original poster

Whybobbins · 02/12/2023 11:04

‘Yes. In the home she was in, there were people who had moved from a council house (I know for certain) who were getting same care etc’

I’m glad there are people who moved from council houses ( not all council tenants are in benefits BTW!) and got good end of life care.
We’re one of the wealthiest nations in the world -we SHOULD be providing good care and health care to everyone regardless of their station in life.

OP posts:

Almahart · 02/12/2023 11:04

Of course you're not being unreasonable. The reality is it actually puts your dad in a very vulnerable position, especially with a character like your BIL in the mix.

Original poster

Whybobbins · 02/12/2023 11:15

‘That house is your father's asset. It is not your's and your sister's in waiting.’

Totally agree. I know he wants it to go to both of us, and I get that, I’m the same with my kids. But the reality is, if he woke up tomorrow and decided to sign it over to a charity or anywhere else then that would be his decision and nothing to do with us.

OP posts:

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 02/12/2023 11:20

Grabby.
My dmum is renting a sheltered flat. The cash from her modest home sale is being kept against the need for a care home. If its needed it's a comfort knowing the money is there for the best care.
If there is any left its a bonus.

tara66 · 02/12/2023 11:28

Well - just about everyone over the age of 10 knows about ''deprivation of assets'' regulations - they must never pick up a newspaper!

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/12/2023 11:30

I’d be tempted to leave her nothing, grabby person. How upsetting for your dad.

Elphame · 02/12/2023 11:33

Almost certainly wouldn't work anyway.

What a horrible thing to do

Dweetfidilove · 02/12/2023 11:37

Thankfully your dad has you in his corner, because your DS is sounding very grabby.

Maybe once you’ve had a chat with her, she will return to her normal self, as you say this doesn’t reconcile with her previous actions.

Original poster

Whybobbins · 02/12/2023 11:39

People do hide/ change assets to avoid taxes - legally. I suppose that’s what they’re thinking of. Why pay out when the system does?

OP posts:

WillowTit · 02/12/2023 11:42

its his money, if he wants to sell his house and spend it on his care that is his decision
she sounds very tactless

Tumbler2121 · 02/12/2023 11:43

Couple of points ... the Land Registry have a service where they will email you if there is any searches or activity on a property, useful in divorce for example where one party may be looking to sell an asset. Could be useful to do this with your father's property.

Also, it could be worth your dad looking at equity release, it will mean less left to inherit but he could have a more comfortable time now!

SecondUsername4me · 02/12/2023 11:46

I'd just push the point with her that him having a home to sell to pay for care means he can get excellent and comfortable care from his finances - surely she would rather he have some say over which home he wants and the levels if comforts they offer as he is using his own money? Or would she rather he get shoved in a state funded home of no ones choosing for his final months so she can have a few extra £££ in her pocket?

countrygirl99 · 02/12/2023 11:48

If your dad keeps his house and ends up with care needs he can choose what he wants to do, what form of care he wants and when. If sis got away without being caught by deprecation of assets he wouldn't have a choice. He would be struck at home even if his needs meant he would prefer to be in a care home until the LA decide there is no other option. Until then family will need to pick up any slack/admin/cleaning/gardening etc - there's a lot carers don't cover. And I bet sis and BIL would be far too busy so you will be left carrying the load.

rwalker · 02/12/2023 11:48

if he started the conversation and wanted to do it
trust and signing over very complicated and not always the answer

the best option is for your dad to do equity realise and piss his money away at least he gets the benefit of it

As for choice of care can only speak for my grandad paying more for better care only really equated to nicer surroundings that he was obviously to

Birch101 · 02/12/2023 12:11

If she actually did any reading this will clearly be seen as a way to avoid care home fees and will not fly.

Original poster

Whybobbins · 02/12/2023 12:13

Dad will listen to me. I’m the eldest and for some bizarre reason that still holds sway! Sis will get in line too, we won’t fall out over it.
This is Bil idea I think, and he also is a really nice guy but just comes from a money obsessed family.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whybobbins · 03/12/2023 10:33

Quick update - spoke to sister and discovered that this whole thing re house had been DADs idea and he’d mentioned it to her a couple of months ago!
she was under the impression that 7 year thing stood, and if we owned house then there would be better options not less- something to do with the hassle of council taking whole house versus making payments etc

Anyway, all sorted. We’re in agreement. She also thinks care would be an absolute last resort for if the medical needs were so high we couldn’t manage ourselves.

And I’ll speak to dad. I think he just got bothered because who wants to think about the unthinkable at this stage. Not to mention her conveniently forgot to tell me that he was the one who brought it up in first place!

OP posts:

Original poster

Whybobbins · 03/12/2023 10:35

He forgot to tell me it was his idea…

OP posts:

FloofCloud · 03/12/2023 10:49

Wow, surely he's got plans he wants to undertake like selling up and releasing assets if he doesn't have many!? Or travelling or anything he wants to do in his retirement - I'd pull up sibling on this

Flip

1 2