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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling like a shit mother

11 replies

AnxietyLevelMax · 02/12/2023 01:43

my ds is 3. He is amazing. We deal with tantrums and everything what most of the 3 years old do but besides that he is the greatest thing in my life. He cuddles me and gives me kisses, says sorry and thank you, tries to help. And yet i am so always fucking angry. I am on sertraline for a depression and anxiety. I deal with my anger for so so so long now. I just snap all the time and get annoyed 95% a day. I promise myself, i really try, and I hate myself for always failing. I end up yelling at him and being so angry. I dont know why he still loves me to be honest. I get frustrated all the time with a very normal 3 year old clumsiness. God help me because he will grow up to hate me. It breaks my heart every day. What do i do to stop?

OP posts:

Tonight1 · 02/12/2023 01:46

How is partner helping?

No you are not awful

Original poster

AnxietyLevelMax · 02/12/2023 01:51

Doing his fare share when he is home. He works much more than me so not every day he is around to help but i really cant complain. He is very patient with me and always have been. I really really try to control my anger, my tone, the way i speak etc, he sees that but nothing else he can do.

OP posts:

CantFigureItOut · 02/12/2023 01:54

You can borrow the book you wish your parents had read on audiobook with borrow box. It's really helpful.

If you can't reduce anger, start by apologising for your outbursts.

This week I've lost a number of china items that were precious to me. I gave a little scream, and then I reminded myself that it wasn't done maliciously.

FortofPud · 02/12/2023 01:54

You're not awful. It's just that motherhood finds previously undiscovered depths to your anger and trigger points right at the time when youre stretched thinner and more sleep deprived than ever before.

You care enough to be here posting which means you can turn it around. It won't be perfect, but it doesn't need to be. Keep loving and keep trying again from scratch the moment you realise its gone wrong (when the temptation is to stay in the pit of self depreciation which doesn't help pull things back to where they need to be). I posted a similar post at a similar age and someone directed me to Orange Rhino which if i recall correctly is a parenting website aimed at yelling less - perhaps take a look? And hang in there, you will definitely be doing better than you think you are.

Original poster

AnxietyLevelMax · 02/12/2023 01:58

Orange rhino looks very interesting. I will have a better look at their website tomorrow. Thank you

OP posts:

Mariposista · 02/12/2023 03:14

Is it just your child triggering your anger or is it also friends/colleagues/family etc? D your get angry at work too or just at home?

HateMyRubbishBoss · 02/12/2023 03:18

count to 10

lower your expectations when it comes to kids

think what will happen when he goes to school and tell his teacher how mummy shouts

p.s you’re not awful at all that’s motherhood for you

Isthisexpected · 02/12/2023 03:27

Promising yourself tomorrow will be better is just not enough. You have to deal with whatever is causing you to take your problems out on your child otherwise nothing will change.

Are you in therapy? Reading books or listening to podcasts about your parenting?

CarrotCake01 · 02/12/2023 03:40

Oh, bless you!
I find this so relatable, I've definitely had times where I could have written this!
A book / audiobook that helped me was How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. It gives good tips on how to take a breath and try and see it from the child's point of view.

You're not a monster, we all have our limits. Parenthood isn't easy and it's soo constant! That you've recognised there's an issue and are wanting to make a change, is a brilliant first step!

Nate234 · 22/05/2024 22:40

Aww mumma!!! You're most likely doing amazing regardless. Just try to catch yourself in the moment. I feel the same way too with my two year old.

DontWannabe · 22/05/2024 22:59

What do you mean when you say 95%? Is this an exaggeration? If 95% of the total Time you interact with him consists of you shouting or snapping at him it is a serious problem. If it is 95% of only the difficult times (e.g. 95% of tantrums end in you shouting) then that is different.

Do you feel angry when he isn't "misbehaving"? I mean is your anger unprovoked or are you just not very good at coping with difficult behaviour?

I sound very judgmental and I.apologize for that. I'm too tired to think of a way to.word it better or kinder. I'm trying to figure out if this is just normal mum trying to be perfect guilt or if your temper has the potential to cause damage..

3 is a super difficult age. Peak rebelliousness I think. My dc is 3 too and on some days by evening i just don't want to deal with him anymore and I'm ready to hand him over to dh. I am definitely snapping and yelling and huffing more than I should be but here's a.few things thst help me be more patient ajd calmer:

Reminding myself that his behaviour is developmentally appropriate and part of his learning how to behave and make sense of everything.

Letting go of my expectations and rules

Rope in dh as much as possible

Make sure he naps and eats regularly.

Make sure I get enough sleep

Is it possible thst the sertraline is affecting your temper? It gave me pretty bad mood swings and the medicstion I am on now makes me very flat and serious so also jot great for dealing with a toddler.

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