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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To deregister my daughter

98 replies

Findingthisweekhard · 01/12/2023 23:01

My 5 year old is being educated out of cohort so she’s in reception but year 1 age. We did this because she struggled to cope, socialise, leave me at nursery. As well as very severe asthma and a heart condition.
Well reception has been awful, her attendance is 80%, school aren’t managing her asthma at all and twice after I’ve collected her I’ve called an ambulance and she’s been admitted to hospital for a few days.
Shes cried every morning going to school this week and I’ve had to carry her in, have her peeled off me and then walk away. And every day there’s been an incident where she’s been pushed over, excluded, laughed at and today she was told to fuck off, she’s 5!
Continuing like this actually feels like abuse 💔

OP posts:
HelloandGoodMorningPlease · 02/12/2023 07:36

That all sounds so traumatic for you and your daughter. If you are able to home educate then go for it. It was the best thing we ever did for our three children. You will get so much support from the home ed community and there are tons of resources out there.

Starryskies1 · 02/12/2023 07:39

Definitely look for another school. My daughter has sen and went through similar. I moved her at 6. It was the best thing for her. They are failing to meet her needs. You can also get the school nursing team to back you up with a health care plan. Also apply for a ehcp if she doesn’t have one.

vidflex · 02/12/2023 07:42

Findingthisweekhard · 01/12/2023 23:21

The 2 local schools to us don’t have a space for her.
ive asked for an EHC assessment and was told they didn’t think she’d meet the criteria for it to be accepted

Op I got this reply when I requested for my daughter. So I applied by myself and it was accepted and an ehcp sorted. You don't need the school to start it.

FloofCloud · 02/12/2023 07:48

Join not fine in school on Facebook, you'll get lots of support there. Also the SENCO teacher above - please follow this advice.
My DD is 15 and still enrolled, but is taught from home, has tutors and double science is taught online - school pay for this as she's unable to continue at school

Devonshiregal · 02/12/2023 08:02

having pulled my kid out in similar circumstances I can tell you that the difference between two schools local to each other can be like night and day. I would honestly try to home school/flexi school her for a year at a new school if possible as her experience sounds awful. You poor things. School is not the bee all and end all.

obviously your work might not allow this but another school won’t be like this - don’t send her until you can trust their reputation though. Speak to the head and staff multiple times to work through it (our current head would take this seriously and have a plan in place for transition) Stand outside near the school gates at home time and watch how many kids come out crying/what the parents are like.

also if you apply for another school, even if you know they don’t have space, just write on the online council form your reason for wanting her to move is that you believe she is in danger and also set the date of move to ‘today’s date’ - then they will have it flagged as a safeguarding issue and have to engage with it.

honestly, I still sometimes best myself up for having sent my dc to the wrong school but it’s impossible to tell! And if it’s your first time you can’t believe that a school could be like fucking fawlty towers and have no one notice! Ofsted means nothing when it’s not catching schools like this-our terrible one had a good rating but hadn’t been rated in a good few years and shit changes!

dont send her in today. Be prepared to scream “safeguarding!” from the rooftops though. And document everything. Get all emails and dates of an and e visits. Contact the council. Contact your local mp. Just go full mama bear it really helps.

JustSettleOnAUsername · 02/12/2023 08:05

At 5 I'd definitely take her out (I did this with own DC). It's not like she can never go to a school again and most learning comes extremely naturally at that age.

Potentialmadcatlady · 02/12/2023 08:09

My son is at uni now but I was in similar position. You need to fight to get her a TA/CA on medical grounds. My son ended up with a CA who was an ex cardiac nurse.
Hang in there

Devonshiregal · 02/12/2023 08:09

Just realised it’s Saturday…

I was going to say also don’t let other schools having no space put you off from engaging with them. Ask to meet with the heads now, explain the situation and ask their advice. Then maintain the conversation until there is space. If they know you, you’ll be first on the list to call if a space opens up, plus the more you communicate with them the more any pros/cons of the school will come to light. Hope things get better from now on. You’re doing great - it’s a hard thing to even question as we’re so indoctrinated to feeling like “they must be in school” - so cheering you on

Pipsquiggle · 02/12/2023 08:12

You need to sort out your admin:

Complaining to the school, requesting to have meetings etc Have this all documented

Applying for in-year transfers. Do this ASAP, you can usually do it online on the LA's website

Read the admissions criteria to see how the LA allocate spaces should one become available. Also some schools do their own admissions, it's worth speaking to each school and asking how in-year transfers work at their school

Original poster
Findingthisweekhard · 02/12/2023 08:23

Thank you all so much. I felt like I was banging my head a brick wall and beginning to wonder if I was expecting too much.

I also have a child in year 3 at the school, when I spoke to the LA yesterday there is 1 space for him at the next nearest school to us (which was actually our first choice when he started school). His learning has been really disrupted this year with 2 teachers already and a new one for January, although they haven’t been recruited yet so it would be cover. Most weeks they have to leave their classroom for their own safety due to poorly managed behaviour from other children, who I know have EHCPs and should have 1;1s but don’t. Throwing chairs, turning over tables is happening regularly.

So he can start there in January. Then my daughter will be first on the list for a space there too. I think I’m of the opinion that the trust with the school has gone and I’m not sure we can come back from that. After Feb half term there is no headteacher until September so I can’t see things getting better.

I just need to look at the EHCP process and try to decide if we home ed u til a discs becomes available for her or keep her at school but not send her, I’m worried this will become a battle with attendance officers, fines etc? But we might get more support with learning at home

OP posts:
Zonder · 02/12/2023 08:35

Good idea to move your other child. It does sound messy.

Still wondering on what grounds you think you need an ehcp though? If you do get one then of course you can name a school that you feel can best meet your child's needs.

LIZS · 02/12/2023 08:41

You can apply for ehcp yourself. Once you have it your dd could be admitted as an excepted child to another school.

Violinist64 · 02/12/2023 08:46

I think moving your son and educating your daughter at home in the meantime without deregistering her is a good plan. As for attendance officers etc, could you get a letter from your child’s doctor or consultant to say that her very delicate heath means that she is unable to attend school at the moment. Similar to a fit note.

white66 · 02/12/2023 08:47

From an asthma perspective, I’m an asthma nurse and bang my head against the wall sometimes with impressing the importance of asthma in children on schools- assuming they have a copy of the asthma care plan and spare inhalers then there is no excuse not to follow it! On another note- I’m sure you have already but if she has been in hospital twice recently then may be worth a check in with the asthma nurse at your surgery to make sure that her treatment might not need steeping up for winter, the viral bugs this year seem to be pretty nasty (more than usual).
I would put her on the waiting list for the new school and then keep her at home until a space becomes available- it may come up quicker than you think

Original poster
Findingthisweekhard · 02/12/2023 08:47

Sorry grounds for ehcp would be suspected ASD and extreme anxiety

OP posts:
Fernsfernsferns · 02/12/2023 08:48

Findingthisweekhard · 02/12/2023 08:23

Thank you all so much. I felt like I was banging my head a brick wall and beginning to wonder if I was expecting too much.

I also have a child in year 3 at the school, when I spoke to the LA yesterday there is 1 space for him at the next nearest school to us (which was actually our first choice when he started school). His learning has been really disrupted this year with 2 teachers already and a new one for January, although they haven’t been recruited yet so it would be cover. Most weeks they have to leave their classroom for their own safety due to poorly managed behaviour from other children, who I know have EHCPs and should have 1;1s but don’t. Throwing chairs, turning over tables is happening regularly.

So he can start there in January. Then my daughter will be first on the list for a space there too. I think I’m of the opinion that the trust with the school has gone and I’m not sure we can come back from that. After Feb half term there is no headteacher until September so I can’t see things getting better.

I just need to look at the EHCP process and try to decide if we home ed u til a discs becomes available for her or keep her at school but not send her, I’m worried this will become a battle with attendance officers, fines etc? But we might get more support with learning at home

Keep the school place but don’t send her.

as the pressure for her to attend ratchets up, that’s when you firmly report that she cannot attend as her needs are not being met and it is medically unsafe.

that will trigger further action (eg help
you get an ECHP)

you need to read up on how to do this and perhaps find someone assertive who can support you.

i have a relative who went through similar with her eldest. But she is a massive people pleaser who wasn’t prepared to push and stand her ground when it was needed.

has for sure made things take much longer and left her kids in difficult situations.

it’s not easy. Are you able to assertively and confidently advocate for her? If not find someone to help you

Pashazade · 02/12/2023 08:49

@Findingthisweekhard, get yourself onto one of the national home Ed groups on Facebook for advice. H.E.F.A Home Education for All is a good one. However I would say deregister her now. If you stay in and can't get a medical sign off I think it will just get very stressful and your daughter needs the security of knowing she won't be forced to go back to somewhere that distresses her really badly.
Make it clear when the LA get in touch than you are intending to return her to school once a place becomes available but that you feel she was being endangered by remaining at the school. The LA won't have any help to offer if you choose to home Ed for however long (well that might but it's very rare).
Places like The Works are great for workbooks to help keep her up to speed, BBC bite size do all sorts of stuff, but the home Ed Facebook pages are really useful. You will likely have local ones as well.

ShazzyG71 · 02/12/2023 08:52

Please remove her from school ASAP. She’s only young and can wait for a space to become available elsewhere. I wish I’d acted sooner when my DS started school refusing! I wish I’d removed him sooner! His mental health suffered because I didn’t pay attention to what his actions were telling me.

BlueBrick · 02/12/2023 08:54

Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good, but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies. IPSEA and SOSSEN are better. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use to request an EHCNA.

I agree with those saying don’t deregister. But that doesn’t mean DD has to attend if she isn’t able to/it isn’t safe for her to do so. And if she can’t, the LA (rather than the school) has a duty to ensure she receives a suitable full-time education. If you deregister and EHE the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements, thereby relieving them of their duty. Crudely, remaining in the system means you are someone’s ‘problem’, but if you EHE it is easier for professionals to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet.

Is DD under consultant care for her asthma? If not, ask for a referral.

smartiecake · 02/12/2023 08:55

You can apply for an EHCP yourself. The ipsea website is excellent and has template letters for parents to follow to write to their LA to request assessment. Keep copies of all correspondence with school and and any reports and medical evidence and send it in also. And speak to your local sendiass. Ours is very good and helpful.

TeenDivided · 02/12/2023 08:55

Findingthisweekhard · 02/12/2023 08:47

Sorry grounds for ehcp would be suspected ASD and extreme anxiety

and management of her Asthma, and her heart condition.

Sounds like you have plenty of evidence that school isn't currently meeting needs.

ColleenDonaghy · 02/12/2023 08:56

I'm very pro school, but the asthma thing is genuinely terrifying. If they don't understand the seriousness of that, don't send her near the place.

NovacDino · 02/12/2023 09:04

As a teacher, I would be removing her from that school if they are truly refusing to engage. Asthma is not something to be taken this lightly. Keep her at home and educate her best you can and wait for a place at a better school. Push for EHCP yourself and get the ASD diagnosis as early as possible. A bad school experience this young can, potentially, have longer term effects. It's such a shame that the school experience differs so wildly from school to school. Your child wouldn't be going through this at my school.

CatkinToadflax · 02/12/2023 09:09

My goodness. I feel for you, OP - your poor DD is being severely let down.

Both of my boys were badly let down by our village school. We quietly moved schools. I look back and wish I’d told the village school why we were moving and how badly their actions had harmed my boys. The school was Ofsted Outstanding at the time.

I agree with PPs that it’s a good idea not to deregister your DD but just don’t send her to school. I hope your DS thrives at the new school and your DD can join him as and when she - and you - are ready. Flowers

lemmein · 02/12/2023 09:10

No way would I send her after the asthma incidents. My friends brother died of an asthma attack - and he was a grown arsed man who had access to his inhalers and didn't need to overcome shyness to ask for them! It's really scary that they didn't realise how poorly she was twice Shock I wouldn't give them a third chance, your poor DD.

I agree with the previous poster about the difference in schools close in proximity can be night/day. My GS really struggled in reception (ASD), barely lasted an hour before my DD was called - now he's in a specialist school and is thriving. It's just finding the right match - but tbh, any school with basic h&s/first aid knowledge (or even just common sense!) would be better than your current one!