I saw this in the Times yesterday and thought of this (and other holiday cottage related) threads:
his is Jeanette, your Airbnb superhost, and I am writing to confirm your stay at Buttercup Cottage. Please read the following terms and conditions to ensure your stay remains enjoyable and compatible with them.
● Check-in is any time after 7pm and before 7.15pm. If you arrive before 7pm, let me know and I will tell you where to wait until it is 7pm (not outside the cottage, please). If you arrive late there will be an additional charge. The key is in the lockbox by the door. The code for the lockbox is to be collected from me, Jeanette, at the Village Post Office 800m further down the lane. The Village Post Office is open from 10.30am to 3pm, excluding lunch.
● The off-street parking is not for the use of guests. Please do not park in the lane — the Ocado van can’t get past. Free parking is available after 6pm and before 8am in the car park adjacent to the Village Post Office.
● On arrival please use the torch provided to locate the fuse box and turn on the power. The fuse box is located in the shed adjacent to the garage just beyond the main house (private) and through the orchard (caution: the llamas are not pets). Please take a meter reading at the start and end of your stay. The first seven kilowatts per day are included. Any additional usage will result in a negative review and/or additional costs.
● If you are staying for fewer than three nights, please refrain from using the dishwasher. If you are staying for three nights or more, a dishwasher tablet can be provided at the Village Post Office on day three.
● You can use any items of crockery or cutlery on the bottom shelf of the left-hand cupboard marked “Guest use”. Please do not open any of the other cupboards in the kitchen (marked “No!”). Please do not open or even attempt to open the door beneath the stairs (marked “Do not disturb”).
● Please note all areas apart from two of the bedrooms, most of the bathroom and the door beneath the stairs are monitored via Ring cameras for your safety and security. If you break, dent, bend, blunt, scumf or overuse any item during your stay, simply let your superhost know immediately so we can provide an invoice for the full cost of replacement + P&P + labour.
● Do not wear shoes or go barefoot anywhere indoors. Nudity downstairs (ie kitchen) is also not permitted.
● Bin collection is at 6am on Tuesdays. Recycling bin collection is at 6.30am on Thursdays. Compostables collection is at 2pm every other Friday (the rake you will need to keep the paths clean is in the shed). Please do not put the bins out the night before because of the foxes. If you are checking out on a non-collection day, please ensure you take all remaining rubbish with you.
● There is free wi-fi! As per advice from Neighbourhood Watch, the wi-fi password is changed daily. It can be collected at the Village Post Office between 10.30am and 3pm, excluding lunch. The wi-fi is excellent on the upstairs landing but will not work anywhere else.
● Please do not attempt to adjust the heating or hot water settings during your stay. They are calibrated via Nest and monitored from the Village Post Office. Hot-water bottles are kept under the sink.
● If you intend to bring children, please keep them, and their hands in particular, clean. Please be mindful of the neighbours, particularly between 3.15pm and 10.15am. The swings, slide and bespoke Swedish adventure playground are for the use of my grandchildren and, despite the photographs, are not included in the rental.
● Please ensure the cottage (including fridge, carpets, bins, windows, bedding) is cleaned thoroughly before leaving. Waxes, polishes, toilet cleaner and carpet shampoo are under the sink. Window cleaning equipment is in the shed (caution: the llamas can and have mistaken a guest carrying a mop for a potential mate. Proceed circuitously).
● Check-out is at 7am. To check out up to half an hour late, please give 96 hours’ notice and leave £10 by the door. Any later will be considered trespass and appropriate action will be taken.
● To reiterate: do not try to open the door under the stairs (IMPORTANT!). I hope you have a relaxing but considerate stay at Buttercup Cottage.