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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need tough love...

18 replies

KM99 · 01/12/2023 16:13

Hence posting to AIBU.

My husband and I are separating. It's been a long time coming and we haven't really been a functioning couple for most of this year. We still live under the same roof at the moment. We have a 10 year old.

I met someone in late summer. Online via work, we chatted a lot, connected, had a lot of chemistry. Late night pings, lots of phone calls and we met a few times. We told each other we felt love. However I knew deep down we both had big issues to work on and a lot of the connection was trying to cure our loneliness and avoid real life. He has major stuff from his past and felt like he could be happier with me. I have anxiety, lots of self doubt and the whole thing just got too intense.

I've acted in a way I'm not very proud of at all. We've cut all contact and I'm sitting here going between feeling sorry for myself and annoyed at the stupid things I've done. I'm ashamed that I ended up clinging to another man when I should be working on myself and ending my marriage.

So, I need some stern words to help me pull my socks up and grow the fuck up....

OP posts:
sugarandsweetener · 01/12/2023 16:16

did you sleep with him? you rather avoid that issue

sugarandsweetener · 01/12/2023 16:17

who instigated the divorce?

takealettermsjones · 01/12/2023 16:18

Unless I'm missing something, to be honest I don't think you really deserve the kicking you're telling yourself you need. You're separated, you had a few dates (for want of a better word?), it got too intense too fast and you broke it off. Okay it might have been bad timing/a bit much but you've done the responsible thing now and started to focus on the right things. That's good! Best of luck in your divorce, and make 2024 your best year yet.

Original poster
KM99 · 01/12/2023 16:22

sugarandsweetener · 01/12/2023 16:16

did you sleep with him? you rather avoid that issue

Yes, we slept together. We got way too intense too fast at a really wrong time for me to be doing so. Even through I could see the red flags on both sides.

OP posts:
Original poster
KM99 · 01/12/2023 16:23

sugarandsweetener · 01/12/2023 16:17

who instigated the divorce?

I started the discussions about not being happy. He agreed we needed to separate.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 01/12/2023 16:24

OP here's the tough love.

Once the divorce is sorted and you are living on your own let yourself feel lonely because you will come out the other side of that confident and comfortable in your own company and skin.

Once that happens you won't compromise yourself or your boundaries for an inappropriate relationship or man.

You are giving yourself a hard time because you know feeling lonely eroded your sense and boundaries.

You'll be fine

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2023 16:27

Is the other guy single?

Original poster
KM99 · 01/12/2023 16:29

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2023 16:27

Is the other guy single?

Yes and had sworn off relationships. We both had our flaws but I feel guilty that he has been hurt because of being caught up in my insecurities right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
KM99 · 01/12/2023 16:47

jeaux90 · 01/12/2023 16:24

OP here's the tough love.

Once the divorce is sorted and you are living on your own let yourself feel lonely because you will come out the other side of that confident and comfortable in your own company and skin.

Once that happens you won't compromise yourself or your boundaries for an inappropriate relationship or man.

You are giving yourself a hard time because you know feeling lonely eroded your sense and boundaries.

You'll be fine

Thank you! That point about my sense of self being eroded really hits home. I said and did some stupidly intense things that were quite out of character for me. I got swept up in something very unrealistic.

OP posts:
sugarandsweetener · 01/12/2023 16:48

KM99 · 01/12/2023 16:23

I started the discussions about not being happy. He agreed we needed to separate.

Show quote history

so he didn’t fight either?

sugarandsweetener · 01/12/2023 16:49

having an affair wasn’t good yes, but it’s over and done with and by the sounds of it - the marriage was pretty much dead in the water this issue aside if he just agreed with it

Allthewallsarewhite · 01/12/2023 16:56

There's a good chance that you have just been driven into his arms as an escape from your situation at home even if you didn't consciously feel it that way.
It is therefore also entirely possible that as soon as you finally stand on your own two feet in your own place you will miraculously suddenly lose all interest in this other man because he was just an escape and it will suddenly become clear that that's all it really was and you don't actually want a future with him. It sounds cruel but it does happen and the brain works in mysterious ways.
If that doesn't happen and you continue to build a good relationship with him going forward, then maybe it's true love?

Original poster
KM99 · 01/12/2023 16:58

Allthewallsarewhite · 01/12/2023 16:56

There's a good chance that you have just been driven into his arms as an escape from your situation at home even if you didn't consciously feel it that way.
It is therefore also entirely possible that as soon as you finally stand on your own two feet in your own place you will miraculously suddenly lose all interest in this other man because he was just an escape and it will suddenly become clear that that's all it really was and you don't actually want a future with him. It sounds cruel but it does happen and the brain works in mysterious ways.
If that doesn't happen and you continue to build a good relationship with him going forward, then maybe it's true love?

Well the whole thing has imploded and we've cut all contact. But I think you're right that as I concentrate on my next phase I'll look back and see more how it wasn't a good choice.

OP posts:
telestrations · 01/12/2023 17:02

"a lot of the connection was trying to cure our loneliness and avoid real life"

This is not advisable but entirely normal

Then only thing you did wrong was if you weren't separated yet, which you haven't made clear.

But even then and I say this as someone whose first marriage ended with their spouse cheating and a great deal of hurt from it... I feel like we know how to get into relationships but not out of them, not kindly atleast both ourselves and ex-partners.

Be kind to yourself OP 💐

FinallyHere · 01/12/2023 17:05

So, I need some stern words to help me pull my socks up and grow the fuck up....

Another voice suggesting you have some compassion for yourself. How would you respond to a sister, a daughter or friend who was hurting? And trying to distract themselves, however ill advisedly.

Hope you find your way forward

Allthewallsarewhite · 01/12/2023 17:20

I agree with the others and one of the first steps towards healing is having some compassion for yourself rather than such focusing on "mistakes" and beating yourself up over them.
Whether or not it was a bad thing (you didn't actually cheat, cause you're separated from your husband) you just still live together because of the circumstances, you need to give yourself some grace for the choices you made, that's the only way to move forward from this. Regardless of everything that happened before now, you still deserve to be happy.
If you continue to beat yourself up, you will not allow yourself to grow and move forward, plus you'll be in a negative place mentally and that will affect everyone around you, including the kids.

pictoosh · 01/12/2023 17:25

"He has major stuff from his past and felt like he could be happier with me."

Translation: I'm a fucked-up mess and I'd like to put you on a pedestal and make you responsible for me.

No thank you.

Original poster
KM99 · 01/12/2023 17:28

pictoosh · 01/12/2023 17:25

"He has major stuff from his past and felt like he could be happier with me."

Translation: I'm a fucked-up mess and I'd like to put you on a pedestal and make you responsible for me.

No thank you.

I'm laughing as a lot of it was pure dysfunction. At least I'm laughing now!

OP posts:
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