To think he was waiting for this?

[PrancersDancer]

So, h and I have been been having marital problems for a while. Sleeping in separate rooms. Had previously discussed separation early last year due to an emotional affair I discovered he’d had. He said he’d leave and said neither of us were happy but at the time he couldn’t afford to rent or buy a place.
We carried on living in the same house on the understanding that he would leave as soon as he could afford to. At first I really struggled with it, but as time went on I stopped hating him as much and we plodded on ok.
since then I think he’s just decided that he’s happy as things are and has made no attempt to leave and any further discussion I have attempted to make just got ignored or a ‘I’m trying’ response.

We’re now almost 18 months on, he’s got a new job, making decent money. (Although he won’t disclose how much). After several conversations of asking him to contribute to the household expenses he decided £100 a week was all he could afford. That has been hit and miss, not had anything from him in nearly 3 weeks. Every time I’ve reminded him, he’s pulled his face and said he forgets. I told him to set up a standing order but he hasn’t. Every time he’s missed a week that’s it, I don’t get it, I just get the next one. He doesn’t pay what he’s missed. He knows I earn enough to cover the bills but that’s not the point, once they’re paid, I don’t have loads left over for myself. His money is all his at the moment, he says ‘but we’re not together’ I say ‘but you’re still living under this fucking roof’ 😡

Just one more thing, last week he was acting really suspiciously with his phone, looked like he was txting/messaging or something and had a stupid grin on his face. I commented and he said he was emailing work?? Anyway he’s avoided getting his phone out as much since.
So, tonight, I’d just really had enough, he brought his washing down threw it in the washer then into the dryer and pulled the washing that was already in there out and dumped it in the basket. So I asked if he he could sort out somewhere to go as soon as possible.
and the bastard said yes!! No argument, no question. I feel the the cheeky fooker as been bleeding me dry, using me and the house like a frigin hotel. Yes I’m glad he’s finally going to go but I’m livid that I think he’s manipulated me into this so he can blame me instead of having the balls to just leave 🤬
Sorry to vent, I don’t have any friends to moan to 😥

Good riddance

Work out what he has not paid and add it to what you want in the financial agreement.
Do not let him walk away without paying for his share of living costs.
Never let a man treat you like this again, remember this anger so you don't get fucked over again.

Sounds like he’s been planning it all along. And using the electricity/gas/water that you’re paying for.

For some reason I just can’t stay mad, I think it’s probably because it’s been over for a while and there’s a lot gone on. When he’s not in the house I’m happier. It’s when he’s home from work I start to feel the anger and resentment at him being here build.
he doesn’t do anything around the house at all, that’s not really new, he’s always been pretty lazy and will happily sit around and let others do it.

He hasn’t always been this way, he’s changed over the yrs and has got lazier, more selfish, secretive and shittier as a person. It’s been on ongoing thing, not just a sudden change but it’s taken me a while to see the red flags and the EA opened my eyes and made see how he’s been.

He generally makes me miserable when he’s around and I work from home, I have no friends so I think I’m at fault for trying to hold on to something for too long in the hope that he would change back to the man I met.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment x

has he been cooking his own meals, buying his own food?

anyway, i hope he goes soon.
best wishes

Do you own the house? Or rental?

Could you keep something of his until he gives you the money he owes you?

No he just eats whatever’s in. He’s usually home quite late from work so I’ve already eaten. He’ll either get something out of the freezer to heat that I’ve precooked or cook something simple if he’s not eaten out.
he did used to ask if there was food cooked when he got home like he expected me to cook meals for him, until I told him that wasn’t happening.

if I question anything he tries to turn everything into an argument, he’s a world class minimiser, everything is either ‘it’s just’ or ‘it’s only’. I’ve given up I feel to tired of it all x

It’s rented, the tenancy agreement is in my name. But he’s contributed to bills in the past, until he lost his job, so I’ve never treated it or thought of it as just MY home, I’ve always considered it OUR home until these changes in him that have made me feel the way I do towards him x

Tbf he doesn’t really have anything. He’s been out of work and couldn’t be arsed looking for a new one for ages. I’ve been the breadwinner for a long time and being in love before the shit of the EA came out, I tried encouraging him to look for something but it was like he didn’t want to work.

Whenever I asked him if he was ok and tried to talk to him he’d get dismissive and arsy. I tried my hardest to get through to him. I did eventually, he found something he liked but needed training and a car, so I bought a car, paid the the training course, hotels away etc and he loves the job and earns good money.

And yes, I am a dick, I’m a soft touch, he knew it and he took advantage of my good nature. There’s nobody to blame but myself!

It sounds like you’ve already got good clarity on your situation, and this is to your advantage.

Honestly, I'd be making life as difficult as possible for this lazy selfish shit.

I'm glad you're finally angry.

In the gentlest way possible, if you were separated and he had a comfortable life at home, why would he move out until he had another mug lined up?

At this point I'd try to make it easy for him to leave so that he actually does with minimal fuss.

Well he’s going to get a shock when he moves out and you’ll feel like a new person with all that freedom, more time on your hands and fewer bills - good on you!

Since you are the sole tenant give him notice to quit. A solicitors letter will do as will leaving his stuff by yhe gate in rubbish bags. Oh, change your locks. YouTube will show you how and the local locksmith/ landlord will show you which locks you need. Don't wait on him a moment longer.

Good luck!

Nailed it

Your post made me so sad when you said you don’t have any friends. Why don’t you? Please prioritise finding some lovely friends to spend time with, rant to, laugh with. Take care of yourself💐

If he isn’t home until late, put his bed on the street for someone who might really need it.

Just a thought.

Look at it as money well spent because at least you’ll well rid of the user.

I think it’s time to put his stuff in bin bags on the front step and change the locks.

I don’t really want to drag up all the past but he’s never really been keen on me having friends. It’s not that he’s stopped me having them, he just became my best friend I suppose and I just stopped seeing them over the years until we finally all lost touch.
people move on and my life just became more and more isolated as I worked from home, and I think he probably liked that. He’s the kind of person that is fine while everything’s just plodding along, but if I speak up or call him out on something he just gets such an arse, starts with the ‘well you did this and that, such a time, could have been years ago but he’ll still use anything to try to shut me down and shit me up.

I think I’ve just totally lost who I am, I used to be outgoing and bubbly now I just feel like an empty shell with absolutely no one to talk to.

I am on medication for depression before anyone asks.

I think in the future you will look back and think "I actually got off cheaply with him". If you get him out, and don't have to pay him anything (like half equity from a home) then you just move on and make your life what you want it to be. Win win all around. So maybe you have done just exactly the right thing.

OP, make sure you get his key back when he leaves, or when she kicks him out again, he'll revert to your spare room, And get in the habit of bolting the doors, just in case he has had a copy made.

A man like that is a taker of liberties.

How are you doing OP?
Make plans to get out a bit... start an exercise/ yoga or other class and build up new friendships.. 💐

Are we married to the same man?!