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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD? Ex “bullying” my DD

23 replies

RudolphsFriend · 30/11/2023 22:12

Had a heart to heart with my DD (11) this evening, she told me that he has told her she is only allowed to cry if she’s bleeding.

She told me she felt like he is bullying her.

She stays with him on Wednesdays and every other weekend. She said she enjoys herself half the time but sometimes counts down the hours until she can come home.

She said she isn’t sure that she wants to reduce her time at his - I gave her the option and several suggestions. I think she’s worried about the repercussions of upsetting him.

WWYD? What can I do?

OP posts:

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 30/11/2023 22:14

How often is she crying when with him, and for what reasons?

Original poster

RudolphsFriend · 30/11/2023 22:16

She is very sensitive and does cry a lot over silly things but I don’t think that excuses his comment.

OP posts:

Original poster

RudolphsFriend · 30/11/2023 22:28

Perhaps she’s crying because of the way he’s making her feel?

OP posts:

jackstini · 30/11/2023 22:48

What a ridiculous statement from him!

I would assure your dd that people cry for all kinds of reasons and that is normal; confirm she can always talk to you when upset

If she enjoys going most of the time then I wouldn't cut it off totally, but definitely let her know if she ever wants to come home, she can

Do you and ex speak or not?

Original poster

RudolphsFriend · 30/11/2023 22:51

No, my ex and I don’t speak. He’s a nasty piece of work. It just feels so damaging to pack her off to go live with a bully every other weekend.

OP posts:

Original poster

RudolphsFriend · 01/12/2023 07:03

Bump

OP posts:

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 01/12/2023 07:24

RudolphsFriend · 30/11/2023 22:28

Perhaps she’s crying because of the way he’s making her feel?

That’s what i am thinking. I think you have to step in and have her go less often. Any way you can. He is damaging her. Take her to the go first. Have something on record just in case.

Original poster

RudolphsFriend · 01/12/2023 07:38

It’s so difficult as she has such conflicted feelings, not sure the GP can help with anything?

OP posts:

CalistoNoSolo · 01/12/2023 07:45

All you can do is support your dd. She's old enough to make her own decisions about her father. Make it crystal that you'll support and protect her 100% if she decides to reduce or stop contact, but beyond that there isn't much you can or should do.

jeaux90 · 01/12/2023 08:33

This is so hard OP.
You really want them to find their own voice at this age and have good boundaries. All you can do is support her to give her confidence around both of those things.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 01/12/2023 08:54

She is crying a lot. She is being bullied by her dad. Her gp might refer to counselling. Or theres online counselling. Something to help her not be impacted by trauma her whole adult life.

Original poster

RudolphsFriend · 01/12/2023 09:05

She is already seeing a therapist privately.

OP posts:

Rosecutting · 01/12/2023 09:18

I think at age 11 your DD is indirectly asking for you to step in and do more to protect her.
That's why she’s come out and described her dad as a bully.

It’s there in black and white.
She wants you to support her in not going to his place.

As a victim of abuse ( why does she need therapy? That’s a red flag in itself ), she needs you to talk to your ex and tell him she doesn’t want to go.
You don’t have to give him a reason.

I would take the pressure off your DD and tell her you’ll talk to him and reassure her she doesn’t have to go.
Why would she, if it feels like bullying??

She is vulnerable and needs you to speak up for her.

Yes she is old enough to make the decision to spend time with him or not. Sounds like she doesn’t want to but doesn’t want to upset him or you.

Original poster

RudolphsFriend · 01/12/2023 09:23

She’s in therapy for anxiety.

OP posts:

RockStarship · 01/12/2023 09:29

I agree with pp that this sounds like a cry for your help. She's scared to say what she really wants to happen so is wanting you to step in so she doesn't have to. Poor little thing.

Maray1967 · 01/12/2023 09:30

Oh lord, being with him isn’t going to be helping, surely? Can you reassure her that she doesn’t need to go, or could you pick her up early if she wants to leave? Does she have a phone? If not, I’d consider getting her one do she can message you. Nasty or not, I’d be spelling things out to him.

boomtickhouse · 01/12/2023 09:37

RudolphsFriend · 01/12/2023 09:23

She’s in therapy for anxiety.

It's it possible this is the cause?

Her therapist may have worked really hard on getting her to the stage where she can confide in you.

You have to take her seriously and take action.

Rosecutting · 01/12/2023 09:42

I wasn’t implying she is getting therapy directly due to abuse OP but even anxiety will be made worse by having to spend time with him.
You describe him as “a nasty piece of work”, she describes him as a bully.
Knowing this, you’re still sending your daughter to him !
She doesn’t want to go.
Help her to not go !
It’s a no brainer.
He might be upset by this ( his ego,more like)
but that doesn’t matter. Your dd is the priority here, not his feelings

It means you’ll have to talk to him.

At the moment your dd feels like she’s stuck in the middle between 2 non-communicating adults and she feels she has to please both of you, poor girl !

Worried2000 · 01/12/2023 11:28

Poor kid. Help her. Get her away from this horrible bully. You said yourself, he's a nasty piece of work. Are you scared of him, OP?

Original poster

RudolphsFriend · 01/12/2023 11:43

I’m in no way scared of him but she’s very conflicted, she still wants to go and isn’t sure she wants to reduce her time there which is what I’ve suggested.

If it was more straightforward and she said she didn’t want to go, it would be a lot easier.

OP posts:

Umbellifer · 01/12/2023 11:55

I think kids in this situation put themselves under a lot of pressure to be "fair" to their parents, I know mine do. It would be impossible for them to say they didn't want to spend time with their dad (he is also a bully), even if that's what they really felt. Us asking them is well-meaning, but whilst they're young I think we need to make the decisions; could you reduce the time by just an hour at the end of the weekend to show willing, and then see what her reaction is after a while, and then take it from there?

Stressymadre · 01/12/2023 11:56

I just wanted to say I have the same with my 12 year old DS and his dad. My son is conflicted too as he doesn't want to hurt his dad's feelings by not going. I'm just very factual and lay it out as is, if someone isn't treating you right and continues to do so, then it's not you hurting their feelings, it's on them. But, I agree, it's incredibly hard and I feel awful knowing my son is still going and is potentially very unhappy there. We had an incident a few weeks ago when he called me asking to be picked up and his dad refused to let me get him...broke my heart.
Sorry, not much advice really, except to state facts and try to empower her to make the decisions herself xx

Dutch1e · 01/12/2023 13:51

Would you feel ok about making a Firm Decision that she is now going every second week (or taking a total break for a month or whatever) and That's Final?

I'm just thinking about the times my own daughter needed me to be the bad guy and got stroppy with me for it while being secretly relieved.

I hope you can find a way forward, I feel for both of you.

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