Secret smokers

[ellie09]

AIBU to be annoyed with bf being a secret smoker?

He used to be a smoker and had given up before we met and was vaping, like I was.

We both decided to give up vaping and have done so, and I will still have a vape on holiday, if I'm drinking but everyday vaping is gone.

The last few months I thought I smelled smoke on him, but as we dont live together I maybe put it down to being around smokers in work, and when he visits his mum etc she is a smoker.

The smell of smoke was getting worse, even when I kissed him, I swore I could smell it.

My suspicions were realised when he had said to me I could use his washing machine while he was at work (mine is broken) and I found a half empty pack of cigarettes on the kitchen counter that he had forgotten about.

I also walked in yesterday and a pack was om his table, I said nothing and when I came back, he had swiped them and hid them thinking I hadn't seen them.

I know I cant dictate if he smokes or not and thats very much his choice, but how do I tell him to mask the smell better and how do I approach the subject that I am very much aware?

I don't know how a smoker wouldn't know that they can't disguise the smell, smokers stink. It's in their skin, mouth, hair, clothes. Impossible to miss. My mother still thinks she can cover it with mouthwash but its literally seeping out of every pore.

Well you either put up with it or you don't

He hasn't stopped whether openly or not

Is it bothering you that he hasn't?

You're right. Its on his clothes, his breath, his house (though I am pretty sure he is doing it outside)

Its not so much the smoking that bothers me, its the constant smell of smoke when I am at his house.

It's simple - smoking actively dulls taste and smell. Combine that with always having that smell on you, and your brain tunes out what little it can still detect.

Because when you smoke you can't smell it the same as everyone else, you get used to it.
Same as people with bad BO often don't realise it's as bad as it is you become 'nose blind'
We all do it with various smells
Also when you give up I think you get more attuned to it after a while and then can smell it really well.
I'm an ex smoker (gave up many years ago) but I'm much more attuned to the smell than DH who wasn't a smoker.

but how do I tell him to mask the smell better and how do I approach the subject that I am very much aware?

Am I missing something here?

I mean he can't mask the smell anyway, but why wouldn't you just tell him you found his fags and you can smell it anyway??

Just tell him you can smell it and you know he's smoking again.

I had given it a while to see if it was maybe a quick relapse, or the odd one there and then but its obvious its not as its been consistently for months now and its putting me off even going to his house. At least if he started vaping again, theres no smell.

I'll probably just tell him that I know he's smoking again, I'm not cross or angry about it but let him know to be more conscious of brushing his teeth, changing his clothes etc before he sees me.

I just honestly can't stand the smell of it.

Put it this way, I would have agreed to date anyone that smoked when I was single. But he's quit before and I want to give him a chance to correct it again (as I dont think he's a heavy smoker as he went 5 days without when we were on holiday)

Well he's a grown man so he can do what he likes. This includes having gross habits if he so chooses.

He's probably lying so that you don't moan at him, let's be honest!

I quit years ago. Long before I had my children. But very occasionally maybe once or twice a year on a night in/out with my very old group of friends, when we get together and on the wine we share a pack of Marlboro Lights (or rather, "Gold" these days!) over the course of the evening like a bunch of naughty teenagers.

DH thinks it's amusing to 'catch me out'. I don't hide it or lie, or actually even mention it. Its none of his business any more than it's his business if I had wine or gin that might.

I will have some gum and wash my hands after because I prefer to, and I know full well my coat/hair etc will smell of it so will need washing.

There is nothing more irritating than coming in from a nice evening to 'You've been smoking! I know you have, I can tell! Oh it's such a dirty habit' blah blah blah like I've committed some sort of terrible crime

So fucking what?

Adults don't need permission or blessing from their partners if they want to have a cigarette. It's not illegal drugs!

If it's a relationship deal breaker for you, then that's absolutely fair enough, entirely up to you. It's not a habit I'd like to have again full time, or one I'd like DH to have either due to the cost and obviously health risks (aside from the smell). I'd certainly never allow it around or in front of my children. But if DH randomly chose to take it up? Well, that is up to him.

Adults are allowed to adult!

I agree it smells unpleasant as an ex smoker myself, but if it's really bothering you that much it sounds like it's a bit of a deal breaker and you should consider parting ways if you feel that strongly about it.

I was a smoker from age 13 - 23. After a few weeks I smelt my coat and it absolutely reeked of smoke. I couldn’t believe I’d walked around smelling like that for 10 years. Absolutely disgusting and I can’t bear the smell now.

I’m a stinky smoker, DH is not. If his smoking is a deal breaker for you then might be best to split now. It’s a tough addiction to break and there’s alot of temptation to try to cover up and fib so that we still get our fix but don’t annoy our partners, plus its embarrassing to admit I’ve failed to quit - again! Also how would you feel having kids with him further down the line if he couldn’t quit the blasted things - not happy and I wouldn’t blame you.

I tried to fib to my now husband when we first met as was trying to quit and thought I’d put him off. He busted me within a week - you’re a smoker aren’t you. Luckily he thought some other things about me were so awesome he overlooks the stinky smoking and accepts me as I am (the lovely nutcase). I’m glad he did because otherwise I would have been lying, covering up, getting stressed because I’m addicted and that’s a rubbish foundation for a relationship.

He needs to pick up the e-cig again. Some ppl can go smokefree forever & some just can't, it's an incredibly complex 'addiction'.

Don't be mad at him, it won't make any difference. Just encourage vaping again, he might give that up one day in his own time, he might not, but it's the smoke that kills you in cigarettes. The combustion.

(I've a lot of experience in this field, not talking out my arse ;))

Wanted to add - you're hypersensitive to the smell cos you went through a period vaping so you reassociated the sensation/behaviour/habit. Smoke smells much much worse to you than a cold-turkey quitter so you aren't being unreasonable about that but are BU being mad at him

I was a smoker until recent health issues made me stop overnight so you’ll definitely smell it . Don’t stress about it just say to him I know you’ve been smoking and would you try vaping again .

To some of the replies, I am well aware he is an adult and can do as he likes.

I likely wouldnt end the relationship over it as long as the smell is dealt with more as it makes me feel really ill.

I spoke with him yesterday. I said I seen the cigarettes and noticed the smell so I know he is smoking again, whether that be frequently or just one or two. I told him its his choice 100% but that I would prefer it if he went back to vaping if he feels a nicotine urge to avoid the smell.

I just said the smell really turns me and could he perhaps not smoke if he knows he is seeing me later that day (I know he's not in the throws of addiction yet as he went 5 days without when we were on holiday). Right enough, it was the first day I hadn't smelled any smoke in MONTHS which was great.

As an FYI, I am not opposed to smoking/vaping. I would buy a vape if having a particularly difficult day to help me unwind or cope.

With sympathy. He probably feels a bit of a failure. Maybe he's also to some extent hiding it do as not to start you smoking again too.
Just tell him you know he's smoking again and he doesn't need to hide it or be ashamed of it.

Yeah he did say he felt ashamed and guilty because he had given up for a couple of years. I think giving up of the vape has sent him back again.

Ive told him (just my preference) that I'd feel much better if he used a vape again rather than smoke but if he felt like he wanted to smoke more then thats also his choice to make.

He threw out the packet in front of me and said he's quitting again. I did tell him there was no pressure to do so if he wasnt ready but he said its embarrassing and that he wants to.