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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: Left Alone with Concussion

26 replies

Concussed · 30/11/2023 09:31

I had a head injury on Sunday evening that suddenly became a one-sided headache, confusion and dizziness on Monday evening. I couldn't bend my head or lay down without it become more intense.

I called 111 who told me to go to A&E. I moved house a week ago, didn't have any cash for a taxi (drivers refuse to accept cards here) and would need to have looked for an ATM late at night.

Called my mum asking if I could get a lift to hospital. She told me to go to bed and see how it was in the morning.

Next day, even worse by lunchtime. Call 111 again and can't string a proper sentence together. They tell me I should have gone last night.

Go to A&E and get diagnosed with concussion. Get a leaflet about needing to stay with someone for 24 - 48 hours in case things get worse and expected symptoms. Told not to read, watch tv etc for a few days and gradually return to work after at least 7 days.

Parents left me alone for several days. They popped in for literally one minute on Tuesday and one minute yesterday. On the Tuesday I was so unwell I couldn't get out of bed to answer the door, so they let themselves in with a spare key. I was in the dark and could only answer with yes or no. Same yes or no answers yesterday.

Feeling more normal today, though really resentful that I was left alone without being able to wash the dishes etc. I had no plates or cutlery. My bed was delivered a few days ago and I was too unwell to make it, so I've been sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I'd told them I can't use my oven because turning it on causes the power to the full house to cut off. They brought me a frozen meal in response. All I ate yesterday was a packet of crisps.

In contrast, they've spent full days with my sister who had a baby two weeks ago. She lives in a city around 90 minutes drive away (I live 10 minutes drive from them), both mother and baby are healthy, she has a husband she lives with 24/7, both off on full pay, both sets of grandparents involved and she has several close friends who have children.

I know it's near Christmas but this was the final straw for me. I've been neglected by them at various points in the past and it's had a long term effect on my other relationships. I stayed with a controlling and emotionally abusive boyfriend for three years because it felt familiar.

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 30/11/2023 09:36

I'm sorry to hear your parents weren't there for you when you needed them. They are probably a bit preoccupied with the new baby. In a way, baby's have priority over adults really.

In any case you said yourself this was the last straw so hopefully you won't have to deal with them again.

Hope you feel better soon.

PortalooSunset · 30/11/2023 10:17

I think a lot of people view concussion as a really minor thing - a bit of a headache, maybe a bit dizzy. Few people realise how severe and debilitating it can be (have a friend who is still affected years later, I definitely didn't understand how bad it was for her at first).
Your mum's "sleep it off and see how it feels tomorrow" is pretty standard advice from the older age group ime.
Maybe you need to be "can you do x,y,z for me?" rather than waiting for them to offer. Because you do deserve their help Flowers

TheSandgroper · 30/11/2023 10:29

When you find it possible, take as many notes as you can about your experience for future reference.

Concussion in women and girls is often underestimated in its seriousness.

I hope you feel better soon but do try to take care of yourself meantime. Concentrate on what you can do and don’t even look at what you can’t.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 30/11/2023 10:32

Did you not tell the hospital you lived alone, they could if admitted you

Original poster
Concussed · 30/11/2023 10:33

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 30/11/2023 10:32

Did you not tell the hospital you lived alone, they could if admitted you

I told them I lived alone.

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 30/11/2023 10:34

They sound very uncaring, and I understand why you are upset, I would be too.

When hospital discharged you saying you had to stay with someone, did you tell them there was no one for you to stay with? I've always been quizzed about who I'm going home to and if they actually help or would expect me to be doing domestic stuff, whenever I've been discharged post operatively. Did they know you couldn't comply with the advice they gave you?

Original poster
Concussed · 30/11/2023 10:37

The most frustrating part is it was my second concussion. That makes it more not less serious.

In my early teens, I had an accident on holiday which my parents were aware of. Only after several hours of asking where I was (and being shouted at) they had taken me to a hospital, where I was kept in for 24 hours with amnesia. They took me to a pub first.

I had long-term effects - migraines for years, developed a mood disorder etc.

OP posts:
2dogsandabudgie · 30/11/2023 10:40

I'm sorry your parents didn't help you, but you should have let them know you had no one to look after you and that you lived alone. They should not have let you go home, and I'm surprised they did if they knew.

Original poster
Concussed · 30/11/2023 10:41

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 30/11/2023 10:34

They sound very uncaring, and I understand why you are upset, I would be too.

When hospital discharged you saying you had to stay with someone, did you tell them there was no one for you to stay with? I've always been quizzed about who I'm going home to and if they actually help or would expect me to be doing domestic stuff, whenever I've been discharged post operatively. Did they know you couldn't comply with the advice they gave you?

I assumed my parents would make more effort.

When I mentioned it after getting out of hospital, my mum responded "Well you'll need to go to (other city) tomorrow because we're seeing (sister)."

As if it was a minor thing where I could travel around / not be inconvenient.

I'm also in a profession where I don't get sick pay and I'm the only person paying my mortgage, so it was a scary time for several reasons.

I'm not blaming my sister, though if it had been me I would have said "Don't you think you should be looking after (sister)? I have my husband here to help me with the baby."

OP posts:
2dogsandabudgie · 30/11/2023 10:43

Did you tell the hospital staff that you lived alone?

Original poster
Concussed · 30/11/2023 10:44

2dogsandabudgie · 30/11/2023 10:43

Did you tell the hospital staff that you lived alone?

Yes

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 30/11/2023 10:51

So sorry OP, don’t have time to Rtft but it sounds like you’ve had a rotten time. Supportive online community over in the Stately Homes thread. Doesn’t change how bad it feels, unfortunately. I have a similar experience - broke a rib, lung collapsed, my mother appeared to take a picture of me naked then went off to participate in her hobby and when I finally called an ambulance (pneumothorax is painful and terrifying and they emptied a lot of blood out of my chest cavity as well) my dad walked out and asked why I was wasting NHS time in front of the paramedics. Loads of sympathy to you, head injuries can be so dangerous and they’re silent killers, although hopefully you’re out of the woods by now. YANBU at all to be pissed off and upset, particularly in context. My heart goes out to you. Hoping your recovery progresses smoothly xx.

heldinadream · 30/11/2023 10:51

Does your sister even know about your concussion OP?
I'm sorry, it sounds really rubbish. If I was your mum I'd want to be there with you making sure you're ok and at the very least getting the bed put together and you comfortable in it and fed.
Big hugs. Flowers

2dogsandabudgie · 30/11/2023 10:55

What was the hospital's response when they knew you lived alone, because when I have been in hospital each time they asked if I had someone at home to look after me, and a lady who lived on her own was kept in.

Original poster
Concussed · 30/11/2023 11:07

2dogsandabudgie · 30/11/2023 10:55

What was the hospital's response when they knew you lived alone, because when I have been in hospital each time they asked if I had someone at home to look after me, and a lady who lived on her own was kept in.

Sorry, I've answered this three times now. The doctor (who I saw for a total of maybe 5 minutes) didn't ask many questions once the tests were done.

I told him I lived alone and there were no follow up questions.

There was a woman in the waiting room laid out on the floor crying and being sick into one of those cardboard buckets for two solid hours.

OP posts:
3beesinmybonnet · 30/11/2023 11:21

You have my sympathies OP. Similar thing happened to me when I still lived at home - fell off a horse, banged my head and according to other riders I was unconscious for several minutes, came round said I was fine, got back on and fell straight off again - which to this day I have no memory of. Back home in a right state DM said I looked terrible and should go to A and E (DF showed zero interest as usual) before going off to look at some new furniture. Same with older DB only he went to work on his boat. 2 cars between them but no lift offered. I had a lump on the back of my head which was bleeding and was covered in bruises including my face, glasses were mangled.

2 days later got the bus to the GP who sent me straight to a and e. It took 3 weeks fir the blinding headache, whiplash and bruised tailbone pain to go. Over 40 years ago and I have never forgiven them! It's the sort of thing you can't help remembering when they're elderly and dying and want you to move in with them to be their carer aka leave you DH and family home 100 miles away!

At least you know now where you stand - I suggest you try to get some support systems in place locally, with friends etc in case of similar emergencies.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 30/11/2023 11:27

To the posters who are subtly implying that OP should have said more/different things than she has and that would have ensured she was kept in hospital - no, it wouldn’t. She had people who could be theoretically available and most doctors will assume that parents are going to rush to take care of their children in this situation. They don’t have any beds. The woman who was throwing up into bowls for two hours was lucky. I waited 21 hours throwing up blood last time I was in A&E and I begged to lie on the floor because there wasn’t any trolley space or enough available chairs. To make matters worse I was in one of the most prestigious and well-funded hospitals in the country. The NHS is in collapse. OP’s parents are the ones at fault here, not OP, who has responded honestly to the questions she has been asked by medical professionals. They are responsible but they don’t have the logistical or emotional capacity any more. Relatives, if they exist, are expected to fill the gap. OP’s didn’t.

Mariposista · 30/11/2023 12:12

Disgusting behaviour. Neither approaching Christmas (it's still 25 days away FFS) nor pandering to your sister should have taken priority over a head injury. So sorry OP.

ManateeFair · 30/11/2023 12:27

I've read and re-read your post and honestly? Yes, they've been absolutely shit.

Of course they're excited about the new baby but you are ill, in pain, alone and in a house you've just moved into with no bed or means of making a hot meal. That's fucking awful of them.

In a way, baby's have priority over adults really.

The baby was born two weeks ago, is presumably healthy and is being cared 24/7 for by both its parents, who live 90 minutes away. The OP has serious concussion and had no means of even getting to hospital, let alone looking after herself, and doesn't even have a bed to sleep on. So no, I don't think visiting the baby takes priority over, at very least, checking in with the OP a couple of times a day or preferably, offering her a bed at their house for 48 hours and making sure she was eating. And they weren't visiting the baby when she asked for a lift to A&E.

FartSock5000 · 30/11/2023 12:34

ManateeFair · 30/11/2023 12:27

I've read and re-read your post and honestly? Yes, they've been absolutely shit.

Of course they're excited about the new baby but you are ill, in pain, alone and in a house you've just moved into with no bed or means of making a hot meal. That's fucking awful of them.

In a way, baby's have priority over adults really.

The baby was born two weeks ago, is presumably healthy and is being cared 24/7 for by both its parents, who live 90 minutes away. The OP has serious concussion and had no means of even getting to hospital, let alone looking after herself, and doesn't even have a bed to sleep on. So no, I don't think visiting the baby takes priority over, at very least, checking in with the OP a couple of times a day or preferably, offering her a bed at their house for 48 hours and making sure she was eating. And they weren't visiting the baby when she asked for a lift to A&E.

@Concussed what she said is bang on.

Your parents are showing you that you are last on the list of things they give a shit about.

So, you need to now live your life accordingly. Don't make any effort with them. Don't do any favours, help or otherwise run to them for anything.

Your poor sister is their golden child even if she doesn't want to be. She can be their crutch when they need help.

It sucks and must hurt but you can't choose family. You didn't deserve them as parents.

I hope you are feeling better now and that you can build yourself a wee family of your own even if that is just a friend group.

You deserve to love and be loved back equally.

thesurrealist · 30/11/2023 12:38

In a way, baby's have priority over adults really.

Not when your adult child is suffering from a potentially serious head injury they don't.

HermioneWeasley · 30/11/2023 12:59

To put how shit your parents are in context I fell and hit my head this summer when I was out with my 17 year old DS. He didn’t leave my side all afternoon in case I had an injury (I was fine).

Original poster
Concussed · 30/11/2023 13:17

Thank you for the responses.

I've managed to wash the dishes now - leaning against the sink since still feel dizzy looking down and have nausea.

I'm the eldest by less than two years, so my two siblings and parents have always assumed I'll do care when they're older - despite also having a career with long hours. I'm the only one who stayed in the same city.

I'm making no effort now. It's been a wake up call.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 30/11/2023 13:35

A head injury is extremely dangerous and you should never have been left alone. You could easily have died.

Your parents are neglectful and uncaring. I would go no/low contact. When I had my TBI my husband worked from home (before that was a thing) for a few months so he could be with me 24/7. That's what a loving family member does.

Whatever is lacking in your parents' souls for them to act this way is nothing you can change because you did nothing to cause it. Please take care of yourself and if you can try to see a neurologist and a psychiatrist. That's what it took for me to recover, and it was still a long road.

Original poster
Concussed · 30/11/2023 19:44

It's almost 8pm and this is the total number of times they've checked in with me by text or call today: 0.

So last got a text from them yesterday afternoon assuming I was "fast asleep."

OP posts: