Another MIL one

[Cailiflowercheeeese]

NC. MIL seems to have a hard time letting her grown adult son have his life. She has 3 sons but her eldest (my DP) seems to be the hardest for her to cut the apron strings.
When DP was with his ex wife MIL hated her, she told everyone she stole him from her and that she was an evil woman. She told him she wished he was never born when he moved in with his ex wife. She didn’t go to the wedding. She banned her from the house so rightly so DP refused to visit until they dropped the grudge. Ex wife understandably got fed up and left because MIL made her life hell. Even now 11 years on, MIL makes comments about how she only had 2 son’s because one was stolen from her and she hopes I won’t be like her.
When I first met her I assumed ex wife must have been a terrible person based on her comments and that DP was defending her, but now I realise for myself MIL is the issue I’m feeling the same way ex wife must have.
DP and I have been together 7 years now and we have a baby, our wedding is spring 2024. MIL was lovely until we had our baby. She then began making comments about how she’s lost her son again and she needs to be involved in her grandson’s life to make up for that.
I’ve noticed text messages from her pop up on DP phone saying that he’s forgotten who his family are and that he should be ringing her daily to see how she is. She expects us to visit every weekend despite knowing DP only has Sunday at home so we use that day as family time for the 3 of us. She refuses to come to us. Then she moans that our baby will be at school before she sees him again. She tells him what to do and has a tantrum if he doesn’t. DP has started to become quite short with her because he’s naturally worried he’ll lose me too because of his mother’s behaviour. I’m a tough cookie and won’t let her beat me down, but there is only so much a person can take. Particularly after her nasty comment that my son doesn’t look like DP so basically implying he’s not his son ( he is and my family say they are like twins).
DP is getting really miserable feeling under pressure to be the perfect son while being a dad, fiance and working full time. He’s considering ending a relationship with his mother but I’ve told him he should speak to her about her issues and give her one opportunity to get help. DP cancelled visiting on Saturday as he can’t face her and MIL thinks it’s my fault and that I’m controlling him and preventing him from seeing his family. He finds her suffocating and doesn’t want to see her regularly.
It’s got to the stage where enough is enough. We used to text each other through the week and I’d keep her involved with my pregnancy and the baby, now she never responds so I stopped bothering. She invites DP to Sunday lunch but not me or baby. She purposely chose my birthday for a particular appointment that DP helps her with every year, he asked his brother to do it instead so we could keep our plans and she was so angry. Told him he’s not her son and threw away a photo of him she has because he didn’t go.
Why do MIL’s do this? I hear it more and more these days. What advice should I give DP to support him? I know I can’t actively do anything about this but DP is struggling and I need to be there for him without waving a red flag at MIL. Thanks if you made it this far!

Sorry, but your MIL is not your only problem.

Your DP should be taking the lead in this, and havjng lost one wife due to his Mum he has been very slow to catch on!

Use your tough cookiedom to make it clear to your DP that she has no right to treat his partner , the mother of his baby, nor him, like this.

Every time he tries to establish a boundary she does something vicious or emotionally blackmailing.

He can’t make her happy. He will feel a lot less under pressure if he drops the rope and cuts contact.

Your DP needs to understand that his mother isn't 'pressuring him to be the perfect son' - her demands aren't about anything he, as a son, is doing - they're about what SHE wants him to do.

The notion of "a perfect son would do things my way always" is something SHE has made up as a way to manipulate, control, and bully him.

He therefore needs to be very clear that he isn't failing in any way as a son, she is drastically failing to accept a proper mother/son relationship.

My former MIL was like this. The ONLY thing that worked was putting her on a very long time out, after telling her why, then once contact was resumed, any sign of the former behaviours put her back on the "naughty step". After a year of absolute boundary enforcement she got with the programme (mostly) and things were very much better. It took that long for her to learn that tantrumming, manipulation and bullying would no longer work. We literally treated her like we were teaching a child boundaries.

Your DP may need some support in learning what a normal, healthy relationship looks like, he may need a lot of reassurance that HE isn't the problem. This level of emotional abuse is deeply entrenched and hard to get over. But he can. He just needs to ignore her, and her voice that's in his head, telling him HE is the issue, and retrain himself to know the problem is her.

I've walked this path - he's going to need you as his biggest ally, his voice of reason, and his staunchest supporter to reaffirm that it's not him.

It sounds like you're the one to take this, and her, on.

Good luck.

This has been going on pre you being married to him- she is not going to change now. He needs to cut her out completely. How do his brothers manage her- will they still have a relationship if he stops seeing his mum? They must know what she’s like.

It seems like he’s more than ready to call it quits on their relationship- she’s not a good mum and probably doesn’t bring much to his life. Ignore her, go about your lives happily and without constant passive aggressive comments. Spend time with your family. I’d screenshot some of her more battier messages just in case any of the family fall for her lies.

How awful for everyone involved. Do you have a fil ? If do what's his take on this? If not perhaps your dh sort of took his role. What do the dB say, could you visit at the same time as them. I'd understand if he cut her off but she seems unwell and it's a big thing going no contact. Could someone perhaps try to get her some cbt to help with her unhealthy feelings. Good luck regardless

Im a MIL, I don't do this. If I even tried this my son would, quite rightfully, tell me to Fuck off.
Sounds like this person will never change.
Your options are to go NC or LC. Your DP has to put you both first.

He probably needs counselling, accepting that your own mother treats you horribly is not easy at all an as the guilt from cutting her off will be difficult for him

She is crackers.

Your DP needs to set the boundaries now. Either she gets her behaviour under control or you will all go NC.

She clearly has some deep seated issues that need addressing but they are her responsibility if she would like to maintain a relationship with her sons and family.

My MIL was not like this at all, she was lovely, thoughtful and kind. Your DP needs to tell her that she is too much, it has nothing to do with you and he should suggest counselling for her, she sounds very emeshed in his life. If he cannot say it to her face then he needs to write it down for her. The use of the word "stolen" is disturbing.

Is there a FIL? No one needs to ring their parent every day to check in on them unless they are unwell or want to ring. He needs to stop her behaviour and the only way is to tell her it is unacceptable to him.

Does MIL have a partner? Or friends? Or hobbies? I think she needs to be encouraged to find her own life outside of her children. Are there any groups/classes she could join to meet people and fill up her schedule?

DH needs to tell her she hasn't lost a son, but he HAS gained one and that he wants to be the parent to his son that she was to him so he needs to prioritise time with his child sometimes. There's no reason she can't be included in day trips and experiences still. He will still help her and see her as much as he can, but there are times when it is not possible to drop everything and cater to her needs.

History is clearly repeating itself the only way for this to work is for your dp no contact if you want your relationship to survive. She seems determined to drive you away like she did the last poor lady. What she like with her other sons are they married? I don't think someone like her can be reasoned with she's clearly a narcissist.

It sounds like she has big issues that aren't going to be solved quickly or with her present attitude, at all. You can do nothing for her when she doesn't acknowledge a problem. She has caused your partner enough grief and it's time to prioritise his right to a happy life and yours, and your family unit for the sake of your baby. He's right to think that ending the connection is the way forward for the time being. Encourage her to get help and perhaps she will, although it's unlikely.

I should be relieved to have such a person out of my baby's life and I would do it now, before she is a trusted adult.

“Why do MIL’s do this?”

No - that should be… ‘Why does this one person behave like this?’ - this isn’t about all MILs.

And the reason she behaves like this is because she can. She is allowed to get away with it. Your DH could put in strong boundaries but he won’t - it’s too late. So best bet is to go for no or low contact.

Thank you everyone, I’m just working my way through the helpful advice.
FIL left a long time ago so she has been single for the best part of 15 years. No friends or hobbies. She works from home and never leaves the house. Blames it on her bad back.
The comment about her using DP as a replacement partner could well be true in this case. Gross but I guess psychologically she may have depended on him in that way without realising.
His brothers both still live at home and they’re single and childless. I’m sure they will be treated the same when the time comes they settle down. I hope not, I hope she gets help before then, but as many of you have said people like this cannot be changed.
MIL is my son’s only grandmother so I really wanted them to have a good relationship. She is close with her great niece and treats her like a princess, whereas my son hasn’t had any attention from her.
I resent the fact DP’s family may believe I am controlling him and preventing him from a relationship with his mother, it’s not true at all. Even when DP tells his mother this isn’t the case she doesn’t believe him. I’m happy to never see her again but it would break DP as although she treats him badly he thinks the world of her. She has conditioned him to accept her ways since childhood so it’s taken a long time for me to open his eyes to healthy relationships.
Sorry I didn’t mean to offend with the ‘why are MILs like this’ comment, it was a general comment based on the fact I see so many posts about MILs doing things that overstep boundaries. I know there are many fantastic MILs out there.