To say no more

[Spottyplant]

Have name changed. Daughter is 25. Lives in same city as me. Shares a flat with her boyfriend
Never hear from her unless she wants to stay over. She leaves mess and damages things presumably by accident. Spare room redecorated white walls. After she left chilli sauce on wall. Grease stains on bedding. Food wrappers hidden under bed.
When she stays she spends all the time in the spare room so not here on a visit.
I don't want to only be contacted when she wants something and no contact in-between. No falling out. No depression and no boyfriend problems.

Go out for a meal - neutral territory! Coffee? Suggest it. I’m assuming you contact her. Go out for a day.

I didn't contact her. She only gets in contact when she wants something. There is no falling out I just don't want to ve used.

Yuk! This is almost a “change the locks” situation. I think you need to be brutally frank. She’s not a little kid and is treating you and your home very disrespectfully.

Do you contact her? Just ask her out for a coffee.

What do you mean, used? She's your daughter. Sounds as if sometimes she needs a bolt hole. Have you asked her if everything is OK? And why she needs to stay over?
It all sounds a bit odd, is there more to this?

She likes a break from her boyfriend who is absolutely lovely but I don't think she can act like a slob there.

I do contact her but she takes days to reply. There has been no drama or falling out. She moved out years ago and is happy.
I just don't like her being a slim here and only contacting me when she wants me to do something for her or to stay for a few nights.

Sorry OP but she sounds like a dirty slob, was she always like this? How has she got to the age of 25 thinking this behaviour is okay? I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to set some boundaries and ask her to respect your home etc but it’s quite late in the day to be doing so if you haven’t before so I’d expect quite a lot of resistance…

She has always had the tendency to be a slob. I was relieved when she left home as she is a slob. Last time she came there was drama about a lost bank card. I had a new microwave and asked her to use the bowl cover in there. Of course she did not so a new microwave became filthy. Also noticed chilli sauce on white wall, grease on bedsheets and rubbish under bed including food going off.