10 Years of In Laws….I think I’m done

[XMummyX]

Warning this has become an essay!

After Suffering DH’s parents for 10 years I think I’ve finally reached my limit!

DH doesn’t have a close relationship with them, but as an only child often feels guilted. Both have previously been in poor health but fit at present, however they like to lean on him over basic things they are very capable of. They are fussy, particular and selfish. They want everything their way, meal times, arrangements etc. Our entire relationship they’ve made me feel inferior, even though I’m better educated and earn the same as DH. They are rude to my parents and continually slight them. At each turn I have smoother things over and accepted it to keep the peace.

DH not bothered about speaking to them or having them over much. Out of obligation I have always hosted them and invited them to everything.

I recently gave birth to our first baby. It was a very tricky pregnancy and a very traumatic emergency C section. I lost a lot of blood and nearly died in the operation and a second time 2 weeks later. When we came home from hospital the first time, rather than empathise with me or say a kind word they fussed over my DC and asked me to collect books they are storing in their garage! I was honestly a bit bewildered.
After the second hospital stay they came round for lunch and expected me to cook and clean up a few days out of hospital with a newborn. They sat whilst I cleared the plates. They’ve never been the type to help but I thought they might lend a hand to DH & I. They then came 3 more times when DH was at work. They were difficult about times and seemed to insist on meal times. At this point I was lucky to be getting 2 hours sleep a night and was still really struggling health and recovery wise ( my parents live abroad so not around to help).

For these visits I did not prepare meals, as I wasn’t up to it, just tea and biscuits. They spent most of the visit morning about the traffic and the drive (40-60 mins heavy traffic). They have an issue with times and arrive 30-45 mins early for everything. Not a problem if informal friends & family but a huge issue for people who expect to be treated as “Guests” and have things like coats taken etc.

Next we invited them for lunch when DH was home as though I could manage that. We ended up getting a cold which wasn’t great as DC was only 8wks old. DH often works weekends which makes it hard to reschedule etc. I felt bad at them missing out on seeing DC so sent a text saying we’d love to see them and please come over in the next few weeks. MIL replied to say they are far too busy the next few weeks to come and in any case would prefer to visit when DH is at home. However I can visit them with DC ( still not able to drive following the complications so this is very insensitive).

DH replied with a date a month away, and they were annoyed asking to come earlier, but he stood his ground and pointed out they wanted him present- which they agreed. When they came I greeted them, made them some tea and left for an appointment ( I did leave a freshly made cake - albeit bought!) I didn’t make a lunch and I didn’t stay and smooth things over and listen to their boring stories with interest as I normally do. DH is quite quiet and not one for small talk, so he told me there were a lot of silences. I think it might have started to dawn on them how much i contribute to making it nice for them. However not enough to be nice. I text to thank them for a present they gave DC - MIL read it and ignored me for a week. She then messaged our group chat and I’ve ignored her since l. DH rubbish and messages, so not really replied. She’s now hounding with messages, but honestly I feel done with them and she’s interest. It’s like something had snapper in me and I’m done!

They are sadly coming for Christmas, and made it very clear they are still coming. For the sake of DH I wouldn’t I invite them, but dreading it and don’t know how to move forward with them.

It feels cathartic to write this down. Apologies for the length and if I’ve rambled!

What do you mean "you're done"
What are you asking us?

Good question. I think I’m asking it fair to be done with them, cut them out. Or do I need to keep the peace for DH & DC but not go out of my way? I hate conflict and this type of thing is out of my comfort zone

Shocked at the people voting YABU.
They have showed little interest in you and the attitude towards you after your traumatic experience is appalling.
Sadly, I don’t know how possible it is for you to cut contact with them. Have you spoken to your husband about your feelings?

You say 'done' a if it's a binary option. It's perfectly possible to be civil without going out of your way. They are your husband's parents, so you don't actually need to do anything.

I had in laws like this op and I did exactly as you are doing. I think you've already gone above and beyond, frankly!

Enjoy your freedom!

YABVU to your DH and DC to cut them out, unless DH wants to cut them out?

Just continue with what you're doing.

Reply to messages when YOU want or have the time.

No more making tea when they come over, I'm sure they know how to use a kettle.

Don't fuss over them just be busy with your baby.

Let your husband entertain them, if that means lots of silences...so be it.

Hopefully they might stop coming.

I voted YABU because you’re BU to have ever invited/cooked for/pandered to them when your DH isn’t bothered and there isn’t much of a relationship there. His parents, his problem. YANBU to be “done” because you shouldn’t have been facilitating anything in the first place. I’m pretty distant with my parents for good reasons (but see them on my terms) and I’d be mightily pissed off if my partner started inviting them over!

Hi,

This book is good:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Susan-Forward/dp/0060507853

Your husband should be playing interference, they're his parents. You aren't being unreasonable to do less, you have the baby as an excuse. It might be good for your husband to have a talk about how they've fallen short and new expectations in the future.

A different perspective, I take your points about your relationship boundaries. Thankyou

YANBU. Just stop bothering. They have treated you appallingly so you owe them nothing. It's up to your DH how much he wants to involve them. Don't worry about DC, they won't know any difference, it will just be their normal if don't v often see grandparents. It's down to PIL and DH how much effort they want to make. If they visit, you can be civil but it's not your job to organise everyone.

This. You need to find your backbone! WTF were you doing playing at being a servant to them two days out of a bloody CS?! You're a mother now and need to put your health ahead of other people's whimsies! Your baby needs you to be well rested and happy.

Stop setting these precedents, say NO to them, block them on your phone when they deluge you with messages, just drop the rope. And uninvite them for Christmas, it's your house and your Christmas and you don't need arseholes.

Your DH can go to theirs if it bothers him (but I suspect he's actually been waiting his whole life for someone to stand up to them and will welcome support).

You are not being unreasonable. Clearly you’ve accommodated their entitled and rigid behaviour for years for the sake of your husband, and bit down your frustration for peace. My MIL was extremely demanding and critical with me. Bizarrely, it was only after the birth of my child I suddenly thought “no, I’m an adult, I don’t need to pander to this shit any more” I just stopped worrying about her. If she wanted/said something unreasonable I just pleasantly said that it didn’t work for me and briskly moved on. Made it clear she could take it or leave it. She got the message after a time, I didn’t cut her out or anything I just stopped bending to her whims and worrying about her opinion. Try that approach, it's quite liberating!

Out of obligation I have always hosted them and invited them to everything.

Why? You seem to have massively overstepped in your daughter in law obligations. Your role as daughter in law is to be polite and slot in with whatever relationship your DH wants with them.

It’s time to put your own family first now, no need to be a people pleaser to others anymore. Parenting and your own family’s happiness takes priority.

They're your husbands parents, why are you making such an effort with them. Just stop doing anything as far as they're concerned, let your husband deal with them.

DH not bothered about speaking to them or having them over much.

It’s clear to see why. You need to follow his lead on his parents and stop bothering.

YANBU to feel you've had enough, however, YABU to be hosting like this when you're recovering from childbirth, I don't understand why YOU were clearing plates away, surely your husband should have been doing this while you rested? Really, you shouldn't expect your PIL to lend a hand when your DH is there and presumably perfectly capable of carrying out household tasks in his own home?

I'm sat here wondering why you're ok with your husband happily sitting back and let his healing wife host to his parents? Doesn't that bother you?

But yeah, I totally get how you feel about your in-laws. I cut mine out before we even had children, didn't want my children exposed to them.

If your DH isn’t arsed, why are you forcing things? I don’t mean that in an arsey way, but nothing about any of the interactions you describe sound like anyone is enjoying themselves.

Let him manage his family, and you manage yours.

All families are a bit weird in their own way. The secret behind getting on with your in-laws is that you don’t mind their particular brand of weirdness, and your DH’s family would be a bridge too far for most!

Gah! This was exhausting to read! Stop it! Stop pandering to them. Drop the rope. You weren't forced to do anything but you did.

I appreciate you were trying to be graceful but you'd nearly died twice and then hosting them? I would have been firmly sat on my arse in my pj's expecting to be waited on, so yes, for God's sake, drop the rope!

You say yourself in your post that your DH isn't really that bothered about seeing his parents, isn't close to them and doesn't bother with messages etc.

There is, therefore, no reason for you to bother with them either. If he, their actual son, can't be arsed with them, you don't need to be either. You talk about 'obligation' but you are absolutely not obliged to do any of this.

If your DH wanted to be close to them and was keen to see them regularly, then yes, it would be good to support him course, but the obligation would simply be to let him make the arrangements and then by being jointly hospitable with him when they visited. However, he isn't bothered about them, so take his lead and step back.

What does he say about all of this when you discuss it with him?

If you, as a couple, don't want to cut them off entirely, then I think you need to a) agree with your DH what level of contact to aim for and b) get your DH to be a lot bloody firmer with them about what they can and can't expect from a visit.

For example, instead of pandering to their expectations re mealtimes, he needs to say "We don't tend to eat as early as that, so if you're likely to be starving by 6pm you might need to grab a snack. We'll probably dish up at about 7.30" or whatever. And when it comes to things like clearing plates etc, a "Tell you what, Dad, can you and Mum do us a favour and clear the table? Then XMummyX can go and check on DC and I can make us a pot of coffee" or "Mum, XMummyX is just getting the dinner into the oven and I think DC needs a nappy change, so why don't you pour us all a glass of wine while I do that? White in the fridge, red in the cupboard, whichever you prefer."

I have stopped facilitating contact with my in-laws for DH. I genuinely think the longer we’ve been together, the more socially lazy he has become. I will visit FIL only when he is in hospital (frequent flyer and there are reasons why I won’t go to his home - even if he is a nice man.). MIL is not nice and lives with her DH thousands of miles away. She has been so utterly vile to my kids and I and manipulative with DH that if she lived on Jupiter it would be too damn close. BIL & SIL are actually fabulous. I adore both of them and they know it. They also know why I no longer run around organizing birthday and Christmas presents for everyone and why theirs are always late.

YANBU just stop making the effort and driving the relationship. Let your husband take control of managing them. If it peters out it peters out and not your fault but his.