When does the love bombing stop?

[Crepesuzetteforone]

I have a younger DSis. She has been dating an older guy (15 years older) for a couple of years now and she’s pregnant. They plan to get married at some point.

He seems to make Dsis happy, and has always been very charming during the times I have met him. He also has a DS (10) who is a nice kid.

But I also know he has an ex wife who is very much portrayed as the ‘psycho ex’. Dsis seems to back this up- says she’s a nightmare. But other than some heated text exchanges about childcare, there’s nothing to suggest she has done anything that bad- in fact I’ve found myself sympathising with her frustrations.

I’ve now heard through a close friend who knows the ‘psycho ex’ socially that she is a nice person and it’s the bf who’s the vile one. He’s the one who was cheating- not her. As I understand it, he was also quite abusive to his ex ( not physically) but controlling and psychologically abusive.

but my Dsis thinks he’s the perfect guy. My parents love him, and he makes a big thing about being a caring, family guy who adores his kid. (Fwiw- my DH hasn’t warmed to him, and he’s usually a good judge of character)

I don’t want to tell her what I’ve heard - she won’t believe me. She’s also quite a bit younger than me and doesn’t like me ‘bossing her about!’, but is it possible that he has changed and that was just a toxic relationship? Or is he going to drop the mask soon? I worry that this is major love bombing and he’ll show his true colours eventually…but when ?

What you have described is pretty concerning, and there are red flags for sure. I'm not sure what you can do about it though? Stay on guard? Be there for your sister? It is difficult for someone to see when they have been taken in, and when they are infatuated, they even start ignoring their inner voice about something being not quite right. Of course if you say anything, then you're the bad guy. I'd probably be ever watchful and waiting for the mask to slip. Sorry that isn't much help, but if you were wondering if anyone would say "you're being so mean, he sounds lovely", I don't think you are.

What an awful situation to be in as a sister. I fully empathise with your worries. My dSis went through a long period of having extraordinarily bad taste in men- with some real shockers of relationships. To be honest the full extent of the problems (drug use, controlling behaviour etc) often didn’t come out fully until the end of the relationship as she protected their image to a certain extent whilst the relationship was still going. Could your sister be doing this? Has she got a history of poor judgement or boundary setting?

Thanks @giveituplucy12 …it helps to know that others would also have misgivings.

I think it’s because what I’ve heard about him is so different to how he seems to be.

I was a bit unimpressed by the age gap at first if I’m honest, but he’s quite young acting and my sis is very sensible.

I’ve just seen this play out with friends before and it’s almost always the guy who’s the dick head and the psycho ex is nothing of the kind.

That’s the thing- not really.

shes a lot younger than me, so not that many boyfriends. Didn’t seem to have much luck with blokes up to now.

Shes always seemed quite level headed- to the extent of being a bit boring! But I’ve seen friends who are generally sensible be caught out by horrible boyfriends

Say nothing at this stage. She won't thank you for it and it'll mean she stops engaging with you.

Keep maintaining a good, open relationship with your sister, so she has someone to speak to when shit starts to hit the fan.

Keep an eye out if the partner starts to isolate her, or signs of coercion. But let her come to you first.

With my ex it took 2 years for the mask to drop. Perhaps 3 for his next wife which is when she divorced him?!

On a side-note, what's the difference between wooing and love bombing?

In my experience pretty much as soon as the baby is born

@Sprinkles211 yes - I had wondered about that.@TherapyRocks I do also wonder if he has learned how to hide his behaviour completely, or has truly changed.

@NeelyOHara1 i don’t suppose there is one! I suppose if you are still a basically caring person, after the wooing stops. A bit like my DH no longer holding in farts!

Three years would be quite a long time to not let the mask slip at all. If there are issues your sister will be aware by now- she’s just not saying it. You will just have to stay emotionally close to her so that you can catch her if she falls.
On the other hand so many people dole out labels to their exes when the truth is that there are two sides to every story.
You are right to be cautious but he might be a perfectly decent person.