AIBU to be a little bit sick of this?

Mistresstotheworkwife · 2023-11-29T18:06:15+00:00

Typing as I once again sit at home without DH in the evening because he's at work. DH works normal hours, but whenever possible likes to do overtime. Right now he's been away from home for 14 hours a day for two months, which will apparently continue until Christmas. We don't have children and I have friends I can hang out with, but I kind of want to see my husband and I'm getting a bit sick of him not being around. We aren't struggling so it's not a necessity for him to work this much. On the other hand, he works normal hours for about 3/4 of the year, so I think I'm BU, but it's been two months and I'm tired of being married to a ghost. AIBU?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 29/11/2023 18:08

Are you saving for anything?

Laiste · 29/11/2023 18:11

Have you had a chat with him about it?

My DH can be a bit of a workaholic, but we do need the money and we have got kids so i can't complain really ...

VenusClapTrap · 29/11/2023 18:11

I feel your pain, op. Mine is working 8am to midnight every day at the moment. He’s here in the house, but up in his office, and he even brings the laptop down to the kitchen table so he can carry on through lunch. I’m sick of it too.

LIZS · 29/11/2023 18:14

Is he definitely at work? Retail, hospitality perhaps?

Original poster

Mistresstotheworkwife · 29/11/2023 18:16

Nothing in particular. We have a mortgage so paying some off that is always nice, but aside from that not really. It goes in the savings pot which is nice for retirement, but I'd rather see more of my DH. We talk about this a lot, but it's a bit of an addiction for him and because it's not constant it feels like I don't really have any right to complain. Doesn't stop me from feeling lonely though.

OP posts:

Laiste · 29/11/2023 18:19

Maybe you could ask that the extra hours are not every day of the week?

Maybe keep Friday as normal hours and sat and sun work free?

Original poster

Mistresstotheworkwife · 29/11/2023 18:19

LIZS · 29/11/2023 18:14

Is he definitely at work? Retail, hospitality perhaps?

He is definitely at work. Seriously if he was cheating on me he'd probably be home more, I think having a mistress would take up less of his time 😅

OP posts:

Laiste · 29/11/2023 18:20

Is he a chef OP?

ManateeFair · 29/11/2023 18:22

I completely understand why this is bothering you, as the evenings must feel a bit lonely if he's basically never there for three months.

If you haven't already talked to him about this, you should definitely have a conversation to find out why he wants to take the overtime and whether you could find a balance where you get to see a bit more of him. Maybe he thinks he's doing the right thing by earning extra money and doesn't realise that the money doesn't matter to you as much as actually having him around?

You say he works normal hours 3/4 of the year, so does he have a job in a field that's particularly busy in the lead-up to Christmas? Does he do overtime because he wants to, or because he works in an industry where it's basically expected of him?

We aren't struggling so it's not a necessity for him to work this much

Do you think, though, that it's possible that the reason you aren't struggling is actually because he works so much for three months of the year? Three months of daily overtime must be quite a significant addition to his yearly pay, I would imagine.

Echobelly · 29/11/2023 18:25

If you're thinking of having children at some point this definitely needs addressing. Or indeed if you don't, because as you say, it's isolating and you want time with your partner.

Original poster

Mistresstotheworkwife · 30/11/2023 13:20

ManateeFair · 29/11/2023 18:22

I completely understand why this is bothering you, as the evenings must feel a bit lonely if he's basically never there for three months.

If you haven't already talked to him about this, you should definitely have a conversation to find out why he wants to take the overtime and whether you could find a balance where you get to see a bit more of him. Maybe he thinks he's doing the right thing by earning extra money and doesn't realise that the money doesn't matter to you as much as actually having him around?

You say he works normal hours 3/4 of the year, so does he have a job in a field that's particularly busy in the lead-up to Christmas? Does he do overtime because he wants to, or because he works in an industry where it's basically expected of him?

We aren't struggling so it's not a necessity for him to work this much

Do you think, though, that it's possible that the reason you aren't struggling is actually because he works so much for three months of the year? Three months of daily overtime must be quite a significant addition to his yearly pay, I would imagine.

Not a chef no. DH overtime is optional, they are incentivised to work extra hours, but it is not required; quite a few of DH colleagues work less hours. It does add quite a bit to his income, but even without that our joint household income is around £100k which I think is more than enough to be comfortable without kids. I think he just enjoys the idea of it and struggles with fear of missing out re money. This stint is at least almost over and done with.

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ComtesseDeSpair · 30/11/2023 13:26

What would you be doing together if he was at home? I’m not somebody who enjoys just sitting side by side on a sofa watching TV - which is what a lot of couples seem to do with their evenings. I wouldn’t give up extra money / the opportunity to further my career if that was all DH wanted to have me at home for. Can you suggest a compromise? Set days where he does overtime and others where he’s home and you’re doing something constructive together / actively being together?