Having friends but being selfish?

[Linguistmum]

After having DCs it has been clear but also painful to realize that If I had to, I would always prioritize the needs of my DCs first. And I'm sure most parents would agree and do so with theirs. This is not to say I would give my dc's everything they want, but rather, that I would go the furthest way to help them, worry about them, support them.

I don't know why but this makes me quite upset at times. I have a small circle of friends but I feel uncomfortable thinking that friendships are so fragile because of what I wrote above. For some reason it really upsets me to think that friends are only for good times but we all end up turning our backs if times got tough. Is there any evidence we would really support our friends if that contradicted with the well being of our dc's?

I don't know why this upsets me so much 🫤

How often does it arise that you cannot support your DCs due to your friendships? I cannot think of a time that this has happened to me in nearly 12 years of being a parent.

No me neither.

I’m confused by this as I can’t see why I’d only be there for the good times just because I have kids. Since having kids I’ve needed to rely on friends more than ever.

I think it's painful to you because you thought you would feel differently. I had extremely close friendships in my 20s and didn't have DC until my 40s. It was quite grounding to realise the relationships I thought were unshakeable did not mean a fraction as much as I thought when I became a parent.

It's fine, it's natural. It doesn't make you a bad friend or person. You've literally got dependents and you need to protect them because if not you then who?

Well what has happened for you to draw this conclusion? Is there any 'evidence' that people do this?

Why is it one or the other?

And I’m not sure why you see prioritising your kids over pretty much everyone and anything as odd - surely that’s the default position?

I don’t really understand. Obviously your children are your priority, that’s natural. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about your friends though.

Has a specific occasion arisen where there has been a dilemma for you ? Where you were unable to help a friend because there was something that you had to specifically prioritise your DC over? If not then I think you are overthinking here. You would also presumably prioritise your DC's needs over your siblings or your partner ? I think that's perfectly normal - doesn't mean you don't care for your friends or the rest of your family .

I don't really understand this post, to be honest. There are always times in life when you have to choose priorities, it's got nothing to do with having kids. I don't have kids but if my one of my friends called me and said they needed support when I was in the middle of my working day, or if I was busy looking after my sick mum, or at a funeral, or taking my dad to a hospital appointment, I wouldn't be able to drop everything for them. That's life.

I don't get it either. I've got people in my life, apart from the kids, who I would prioritise over my friends. My mum, my husband, my cousin. I've also got friends I would prioritise over other friends. That's how it is for everyone, nothing to do with having children.

You children are utterly dependent on you and you have brought them into this world and assumed responsibility for them. This does not apply to your friends. The fact that you have a greater degree of responsibility to your kids to your friends (and would act accordingly) doesn't mean your friendships aren't real.

Baffling thread.

Thank you everyone. I think what makes me uncomfortable is the thought of how easily friends would 'have to' turn against each other in scarcity. I know this was provoked in my mind during quite stressful covid isolation. I suddenly 'knew' that if there was only one jab/food serving/what ever necessity left I would intuitively do my best to get it in case my DC needed one. It made me feel oddly vulnerable, selfish and conflicted. Even tough I genuinely like my friends' children (very much!)it came as a shock to understand that I would fight for mine first. I also knew my friends would probably act similarly, putting their DCs first. Since then I have had this nagging feeling like 'yes, you're having a good time w/ your friends now but remember that you may be in conflict any time, if scarcity'. And I feel like this thought makes me so disappointed in life.

You’re human 🤷‍♀️

Don't obsess about hypothetical situations. There are plenty of real life things to obsess about.

I couldn’t quite understand what was so painful and upsetting to you, but now you’ve elaborated and it seems like your upset is based upon a completely hypothetical apocalyptic scenario (I mean even at the height of Covid, no one was fighting for the last dose of vaccine or food) which is worrying.

It’s not normal to live in constant fear of conflict and scarcity. I understand you might be carrying a lot of trauma from recent years, as so many of us are, but your mindset is extreme even for that.

But what has actually happened to say all this, not made up fairy stories what has happened that has made you talk in code?

Sure I may be the only one confused but i still don't get it

A big part of the reason that humans have survived this long and done so well is precisely that we don't do that.

We're social animals, we look after each others kids, we share our food, our entire social makeup is built around forming communities and cooperating to achieve more than we could by ourselves.

We're (comparatively, compared to most of history) living the good life at the moment, so you don't see it so much, but people are still giving to food banks, giving to charity when they could keep that money for their offspring. Israel / Gaza is in the news because we care about what is happening to these people, despite the fact we can't do anything about the situation.

In the situation you describe OP, it'll be the people who band together who last longer, the groups who share with each other will be stronger, and will win out. Yes, if its my kids or yours getting the last bit of food, then I'll cave your skull in over it, but at that point it's just delaying the inevitable anyway, we're all fucked.

You’re massively overthinking this!

Honestly just get in with your life..

What @Bobbotgegrinch said.

I'm ND so maybe I'm completely missing the point here but I thought that everyone knew that people put their own children first (or that parents are supposed to anyway) that's why people are always so shocked and saddened my abuse and neglect of children by their parents, because it completely goes against the very basics of having a child?

I would prioritise my children over anything, doesn't mean I'll go out of my way to harm anyone else. That being said if there was a situation where I could give my friends child an advantage over other people I'd do that as well, just not above my own kids.

I'm not sure how to respond to you, but I wanted to try.
You have been getting many good answers already.

I don't have children myself, but I have many friends who have small children.
I don't go around thinking about how they would save their children before me. Of course they would, in the unlikely situation that they would need to make that decision. I love my friends, they love me, we care about each other and we help each other.
I enjoy spending time with my friends. Their families are first priority, but I know that they need me in their lives too!
And I would try my very best to save their children if I could, if something happened. But there is no need to think about hypothetical situations.

I know you wouldn't do that, but can you imagine walking in to a lovely party, where the guests are your beloved family, and your beloved friends and their kids, and say to them:
"You are alI great, but I just can't enjoy myself at this party, because I know that we would all turn against each other in the case of scarcity"
Again, I know you wouldn't say that, but it's not great to think it, either.

Do not be disappointed in life! Love your children and love your friends!
Your children are first priority in your life, but it's important to take care of your friends too!
Enjoy your friends!