When you’re in a toxic situation how do you know for sure?

[reallyfedup123]

Might sound silly but due to a neglectful childhood and dismissive mother who minimises everything I find it hard to know when I really am in a toxic situation or if I’m being a “drama queen” or “overly-sensitive”.

so how can you tell if it is toxic whilst you in the situation?

When you feel worse after being with someone. It makes it even harder if they love bombed you at the beginning so that you felt brilliant after being with them.

For now, forget how they were at the beginning and look at how you feel after you've spent time with them. If you feel really rubbish about yourself or guilty, or blame in many ways for everything that's gone wrong, that's a sign of a really bad relationship.

No two situations/people are alike, so it's hard to say how you can 'know for sure' whether you're in a toxic situation. I think everyone has a different notion of what 'toxic' means.

Ultimately, if you are in a situation with someone who regularly makes you feel any of the following things, I would say that's a situation or relationship that you need to get away from. It doesn't matter whether it meets someone's definition of 'toxic'.

• Scared
• Undermined/unsettled
• Humiliated
• Confused
• Belittled
• Used/exploited/taken advantage of/manipulated
• Unhappy
• Controlled
• Angry

Sometimes it also helps to say to yourself: "If a friend came to me and told me they were in this situation/relationship, what would I advise them to do?" If you'd tell someone else to get away from someone/something, then that's a damn good indication that you should take your own advice.

Some counselling/therapy around boundaries might help you.

Thank you both. It’s more of a work situation but honestly what’s been written is very helpful for other parts of my personal life too. I feel the environment is toxic and speaking to people in my life they’ve told me I’m actually under-reacting and they would have been really angry at the situation. Problem is I tend not to get angry for fear of being seen as overly sensitive but I really struggle with getting balance right!

I don’t believe in the overly sensitive label. It’s a label usually given by someone who is not taking you seriously or minimising your feelings. If something or someone has upset you then your feelings are real and founded in real events or behaviour. Believe in them and trust them.

Look up the freedom programme. If you signup its really worth it. You wont make those mistakes again

@Loubelle70 ive just googled freedom programme and it’s asking me for £12 is that the actual one? I just want to make sure incase I put in my details and it’s not the right one

Yes @reallyfedup123 . Its really worth it, you wont regret it. I work at Womens Aid, we recommend it. Its £12 everywhere sadly, but, worth a million times more. Xxx

Thank you!

The fact you feel confused, selfdoubting, "is it just me overreacting/imagining things/being too sensitive???" is a good sign.

There's no universal criteria for what's toxic. It's quite a vague thing that really just refers to something that isn't healthy for you. It'll be different for everyone.

It's best to try to learn to listen to and respect your feelings. If you get upset or angry about something, some people might say you're overreacting or being too sensitive. Does that mean you shouldn't feel that way? No. No one has the monopoly on how anyone else should or shouldn't feel. If something doesn't feel right, then it isn't right for you, and that's valid.

@yellowsmileyface thank you. That’s really good advice.

Do they treat you as an equal?

More difficult in a work environment if the other person is senior, but when it’s outside office work it should still be valid.

If you frequently worry that you have said or done the wrong thing and know they will never tell you but may use it against you later
If you find yourself feeling low or confused after chatting - like they are not on your side
If you hear them saying things about you behind your back
If they call you names or put you down
If they can't respect your own choices (over your body, mind, friendships etc).

Generally I find if I have more than one of the above I look at the friendship/relationship as if it may be toxic. Had a long friend recently fall out with me because she sees herself as low maintenance and me as high maintenance. We've usually got over differences fairly quickly but she spiralled this one out into 2 other arguments and accused me of things I hadn't even realised she thought going back months. In that case, not only was she being rude and insulting to start but it showed me she was harbouring grudges behind my back and not being honest. If you can't be honest with your friends about how things make you feel that's a no brainer for me.