Is this parent rude?

[tutorswife]

DH is a Maths tutor - he used to be head of maths, SLT and education lead or something.

His waiting list is 2 years, he is inundated with enquiries and he has a strong local reputation.

He tutors from primary to A Level.

We had friends who we met through a mutual hobby. That hobby event was a one-off so we never see them due to the hobby but the shared interest and having a bit in common meant we became friends. They’re a few years older but had their daughter when they were 15. As a result, they’re not too dissimilar in age etc.

At one point, when socialising, DH spoke with their DD about maths as she was doing her GCSEs and DH noticed she was behind and would be on foundation. Mum didn’t realise (they also want their kids to be academically successful as they weren’t and they are now very wealthy business owners) and asked DH to tutor. He did at a discounted rate and she did her best in that GCSE - DH got her from a 3/4 to a 7 in a year.

Since, our friendship has fragmented. I have no idea why, she just ghosted me one day. She has to speak to DH due to tutoring but became more stand off with him. He is now tutoring the DD for Maths A Level at the same discounted rate. He is honouring it. Today he got a message from Mum because school have said she’s not performing as well in A Level Maths. This isn’t a surprise as she only got a 7 and was warned. She also isn’t working as hard as needed as she is doing all her teenage things (hobbies, job, driving).

Mum has said “you need to stay on top of this” but this isn’t his job? He is aware of where she’s at. He can only do so much.

She also pays weeks late (money definitely not an issue) and isn’t particularly nice even for someone who isn’t a friend.

How would you handle this?

You've been so good to them, already, with the reduced fee and the clear improvement at GCSE.

It's not so much about being soft as being fair and honest.

I don't think you could be accused of being unfair if you just treat the issue as a business matter. The CF has stated she needs to see improvement, in your DHs opinion improvements needed are not from his end. This is fair grounds to stop the arrangement and allow her to find another tutor who hopefully sparks some sense of urgency in her to put the work in.

Your DH clearly has a fab reputation and is great at what he does. Replace her with a child who really wants/needs him and who you will receive full payment for, OP. It sounds like it's what's best for all involved.

As an aside - if you do break the arrangement and you meet some resistance I do think you could spin not tutoring her as 100% what's best for the CF's daughter by saying 'I know DHs subject knowledge and teaching is very good but his demeanour is rather gentle - sometimes kids need someone with a firmer style to help spark motivation' etc

Just keep spinning, OP! CFs cannot argue against what is being sold to them as being in THEIR best interest and once her slot has been filled by another child, it's been FILLED!

Thank you everyone.

Ive spoken with DH and he read the thread. He doesn’t want to get rid of her because he wants to help her and doesn’t want the daughter to be punished for mum’s behaviour.

We are trying to respond to the text politely but also to get the point across that “you need to keep on top of it” isn’t fair / not an issue and he is on top of it. Any suggestions?

I think you are gluttons for punishment, but it's up to you.
She's not going to take suggestions her DD isn't working hard well, I can predict that much from her message, so prepare for a strop and accusations.

I think you respond with a simple - "I can only teach her the tools available in the time available the rest is up to her to work and develop. If A level maths is a struggle for her then she should reconsider options"

Dear x
Your dd may well be struggling as unfortunately a grade 7 is not really high enough to succeed in maths at a level. She will need to put more work in if she is to succeed. If you are unhappy with the tutoring I am providing and think someone else may be able to help her more effectively please do let me know.

I would either terminate, or send the mother a list of what she has to get her daughter to do, ie xx amount of time on maths etc as SHE is responsible for her daughter outside of the tutor session. Oh and by the way the rates have now gone up to whatever you charge normally

I think you need to turn the question round on them.

”I agree Amy’s maths needs to be a priority and at the moment I am not confident she will be ready in time to perform in the A-level.

If you’re not happy with the tuition it would be a good idea to look for another tutor who will be able to get the results you want.”

In fact I would simply say
I am of course doing my best but am happy for you to find a new tutor if you would prefer to do so.

Remind the parent that their daughter has some catching up to so because she was only at grade 3/4 a year ago. Suggest to the parent that they get some work books/practice papers and the daughter does some extra work between the tutoring sessions. Also tell them the DH's fees are going up in the new year.

'I am on top of it - I have given her x, y and z tasks, none of which she has done, plus tests on a, b and c in which she has performed poorly in, due to lack of engagement with homework. Unfortunately unless she is willing to do the work I set for her at home, and consolidate her learning by revising at home, she will continue to struggle and I'd suggest that perhaps she needs to set herself a study routine at home that you and her father can monitor'

I would say "Maths A level is very demanding. On top of the tutoring, she needs to be revising for at least X hours a week. Is she doing this? If not I suggest she draw up a timetable and stick to it. At A level, the expectation is that students must keep up with revision and practice on top of lessons in order to achieve a good grade." Something along those lines anyway!

Did he in anyway encourage her to opt for Maths A level?

Ha! Cheeky cow.

You’ve been far too generous. She’s done well (with your DH’s help) to get the GCSE. A level maths is another level, it’s a huge jump imo and unless she was doing well in it, loves it, then there’s no point. Plenty of other subjects to do.

A parents' evening type meeting. With the student there too.

Much of your husbands words/script need to be those you have posted here.

Your husband, just like any other teacher, can take a horse to water but they can't make it drink.

Your DH needs to recognize his worth. And so does the CF ex friend. Good maths teachers - and A level maths teachers - are becoming scarce. If this is his main income stream she is taking up the slot he could be charging (I'm guessing) double for and have a more grateful, easier client. Fair play to him for not taking it out on the child but at the very least I would let the mother know that you won't put up with any more bullshit. A PA if you're unhappy with the (discounted) service you're getting then feel free to use another tutor. And good luck finding a decent one at a similar price. This woman is not your friend so I would not pussy foot around her.

I don't think "polite" is a useful way to deal with a client under such a misapprehension about a service. What she needs is direct communication. It doesn't have to be rude, but it shouldn't leave room for doubt about what you mean.

Perhaps something along the lines of:

Dear X,

My tutoring service includes diagnostic testing, personalized coaching and exam preparation [or whatever it does include]. When students are motivated I am successful in ensuring they get the highest marks they are capable of, as we saw with miniX's GCSE results. I do not, however, provide cajoling and supervisory services and cannot improve a student beyond their capabilities. I am not in a position to police MiniX's adherence to study at home, I can only provide her with the best possible tutoring during her time with me, which I do. MiniX will need to prioritise studying for herself outside of her sessions with me far more than she currently does if she is going to reach her full potential in maths. [If DH is willing, he could add an offer to provide X with weekly updates with how well DD seems to be doing so X can "stay on top of things"].

I would also add something along the lines of:
While we are talking about staying on top of things, this is a good opportunity to remind you of the payment terms of our contract. x per week (a Y% discount on standard rates) payable on or before [whatever the term is]. This has not been well adhered in the past. If it slips again I will need to remove the discount you benefit from. Further failure to meet your obligations may result in requiring payment in advance of future sessions.

You can’t separate the DD from the parent.
And the parent needs to go….

your DH should recognise his worth and send a short note saying that he is tendering his notice and bitchface should find someone who can more adequately meet her DD’s needs.

if he cannot /will not do this
at a bare minimum he should add a dickhead tax onto the normal rate eg. If he is charging £40 and normal rate is £50 he should up her rate to £60 effective immediately.

He’s a tutor not a friend to this family. Tell them that the discounted rate has now stopped. Tell them that the lessons have to be paid in a block of ten lessons and at the latest a week before the first lesson. The dates and times are set and cannot be altered. Sickness has to be notified 24hours before the class otherwise the class is not refunded. They are welcome to try another tutor and he would welcome that.

But is he really helping this girl? It seems to me totally bonkers that she is doing Maths A level when it clearly isn't a subject that comes naturally to her. Wouldn't it be kinder to sit down with both parents and strongly advise that she is allowed to change to a subject she can actually do without tuition?

He didn’t encourage but didn’t discourage. He is a strong advocate for Maths. He warned her how hard it would be.

She is smart and does work hard, if he’d tutored her earlier I think she could have got an 8.

Maths was her only Grade 7 GCSE. The rest were 4/5 and one 6, so realistically, Maths was the only subject she was doing very well in. She has already dropped one A Level. I think she is now doing 2 A Levels and EPQ.

Thanks for all the responses. It’s so sad as we became close to the children as a result. He did tutor the younger brother but they cancelled him last minute for that (so I suppose it shows their lack of respect…) but the reasoning was fair - he needed in person. DH used to drive (quite far) for in person but they asked to go online originally and then were annoyed he wouldn’t change back to in person once time had passed (he can’t due to students online straight after now)

Mumsnet is always right and in the past we’ve not taken on board everything 100% and it’s massively backfired. We are too soft. However, DH won’t cancel her I know because he cares too much. So he’s got a message drafted which combines all of yours, if she is rude back he will cancel, otherwise he will continue.

It might also be helpful to point out that maths in particular attracts high numbers of students who are naturally gifted at it, and this girl is competing with those who are much more inclined to do well. They sailed through GCSE maths and might also be doing further maths. Set a realistic grade expectation for her and say that's as much as you can help her to achieve.

Glad you’ve found a way forward OP. You and your DH sound like lovely caring people.

Glad you have some agreed boundaries
just be sure to follow through should you need to

Is he increasing the rate? He really should.