to ask about Love...?

[LolaLouise]

Do you think you can truly love more than one person in a lifetime?

Do you think you can ever be happy with someone, if you love someone else?

Do you think love fades? Is it possible to "get over"? Or is it something you carry with you forever?

Context - I have had 2 relationships in my adult life. i was with my ex husband 2003-2014. Looking back i never truly loved him, i respected and cared for him, we were great friends, but it wasnt love. I was with my ex partner 2015-2019. I loved him to the absolute core, i would have done anything for him, he was my perfect, it turned out he was my my perfect because every aspect of him was created and fabricated to be that exactly. He wasnt real, he wasnt who he said he was, it was unforgivable, so i left him the day i found out.

Ive been on my own since Jan 2019, I'm 40 now, and tired of having no male company, no adult conversation, no one to go away with, no one to laugh and cry with, no one to talk about a tv show with, or how my day at work was, no one to share my dreams for the future with, no one at all really. I miss affection, intimacy, feeling wanted and valued. I have my kids, and i have put all my effort and attention into them for the past nearly 5 years, ive gotten to where i want in my career, but I'm lonely. My children are all over 16 now and need me less and less. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

But i still hand on heart, love the man i was with, not who he is now, but who he was then. I know it wasnt real, i know that person doesn't exist, but my feelings do and even 5 years later i think about what i had daily, and long for it to return.

So AIBU to ask if it is possible to start dating, to start looking for love, and a relationship, if you are in love with something or someone that doesn't actually exist. Can any relationship compare to one that is completely manufactured to be your perfect?

(I have been to therapy, it changed my outlook on blaming myself and wishing i had stayed, i know my worth is more than a man who lies and manipulates. I know it was about him, not me, i know none of the failings of that relationship were my fault. However, although therapy rationalised, the "loss", it didn't change my feelings for the "man" i lost, despite understanding and acknowledging he wasnt real)

Yes I think you can probably love more than one person at once as well

Do you think you can truly love more than one person in a lifetime?

Yes, of course. You can absolutely love someone, lose them and then love someone else. Millions of people experience this.

Do you think you can ever be happy with someone, if you love someone else?

I think you can probably love more than one person at once. I don't think that you can be truly, completely happy with someone you don't love if there's someone else out there that you definitely do love.

Do you think love fades? Is it possible to "get over"? Or is it something you carry with you forever?

You can absolutely fall out of love with someone and yes, you can definitely get over it. Again, this happens to millions of people. I loved someone very, very much when I was younger and I carried a torch for him for a very long time, probably around seven or eight years, even though we weren't in contact for most of that time and he'd hurt me extremely badly. I did, however, definitely get over it! If I were to meet him again now, I'd probably actively dislike him, to be honest.

FWIW... I was crying over that man (for the millionth time) pretty much the day before I got together with my current DP. I already knew DP, I went on a social event in a group of which he was a part, and something just clicked, and we've been together 21 years now. I pretty much immediately saw something in him that made my ex look pathetic by comparison. We're still together and we're incredibly happy.

I'm assuming you mean sexual love - not friendly love.

No, you can't be completely happy with someone if you are in love with someone else.

And yes - you can love several people in a lifetime. In fact, sexual passion often doesn't last the course and in a long marriage you have to have something else. I know some people manage it, but I think most long marriages have replaced the excitement of sexual passion with companionship, trust, mutual understanding and affection. Not necessarily a problem if you are happy with that!