Me or ex to pick up from school on a Friday?

glossypeach · 2023-11-28T07:45:46+00:00

It’s not really relevant but my ex was an abusive nasty person, and still continues to try and manipulate me into thinking I'm always in the wrong. So I thought I’d ask for an unbiased view. when my son was about two we had a court order made which states that his dad has pick up at 4pm every other Friday, obviously this was made prior to our son starting school. Ever since the court order was made, he never followed it and he has always picked our child up at 6.30 when he finishes work as he ‘can’t leave work early’ which means I have to adjust my time around him. Now our child is in full time nursery, he is refusing to pick our child up from school on the friday of his weekend with him. And he is refusing to pay for childcare either. This means I have to get our child, wait around for his dad to finish work to drop him. My day revolves around accommodating his dad. what do I do? Do I try and get it reassessed in court now our child is of school age? But I heard they don’t force a parent extra time they don’t want? But I can’t be going back to work fulltime and having to leave work early or paying for childcare on my end which is a lose lose money wise, whilst his dad gains his income unbothered.

Original poster

glossypeach · 28/11/2023 07:47

To note, this is every other Friday so only twice a month

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 28/11/2023 07:52

As you say, you can’t force contact.

Goldx2 · 28/11/2023 08:01

I look back to when my children were young. I worked full and looked after my kids. My ex. moved away and had the cheek to say I had to meet him halfway at a service station. I used to do this but now realise I shouldn’t have. If he wanted to see the kids he should have made the effort but I did it for them. Don’t drop your child off. Make him come to you

Crayfishhe · 28/11/2023 08:02

Realistically you pay for wraparound care at nursery and ask him to pay for the amount it costs for every other Friday. If he’s in wraparound care every day because you’re working full-time it’ll be about £20 a month for those two Fridays, which is annoying but far cheaper than getting another court order.

Tinkerbyebye · 28/11/2023 08:16

Why are you dropping him off? Treat Friday as you would every other day and take him home. His dad then picks him up from yours

yes he should be paying the childcare or he should get the order changed but realistically you know he won’t so it could just be a case of sucking it up if you want the child to have a relationship with him

Theunamedcat · 28/11/2023 08:19

You might have to go to mediation he would need to be responsible for childcare costs on his time or you have him overnight Friday and he collects Saturday instead this would mean one less overnight for child maintenance purposes

Peasnbeans · 28/11/2023 08:26

I had this.
I told him and after school club that I would only be booking and paying for the sessions I needed (ie. E O Fri). I sent him a list of the Fridays he would need to pay for.
I told school the weekends it would be him on a Friday.
He kicked off massively, said all the same as yours. I said well it's after school or not overnight, he doesn't get to pick. Child was only five so it was going to be a pattern set for next ten years if I didn't stand up now.
Will admit, first few times I was TERRIFIED that child would be abandoned.
Of course they weren't, and of course he MANAGED to make it work.
I'd try standing your ground - or you make a rod for your own back.
Good luck - the consistency is good for the child too. Hanging around in one house for an hour or two waiting to go to the other house, unable to relax, is agony for both of you.

2jacqi · 28/11/2023 08:44

@glossypeach why do you drop the child off?? surely dad has to collect the child from wherever?

Singleandproud · 28/11/2023 08:48

You can't force him to have contact even with a contact agreement.

To make life easier for your son and give him the stability he needs at tha age I would make sure I picked up from nursery and then ex pick up from my house (or agreed place). I wouldn't be dropping him off though as that sets a precedent should Dad move further away.

underneaththeash · 28/11/2023 08:52

Peasnbeans · 28/11/2023 08:26

I had this.
I told him and after school club that I would only be booking and paying for the sessions I needed (ie. E O Fri). I sent him a list of the Fridays he would need to pay for.
I told school the weekends it would be him on a Friday.
He kicked off massively, said all the same as yours. I said well it's after school or not overnight, he doesn't get to pick. Child was only five so it was going to be a pattern set for next ten years if I didn't stand up now.
Will admit, first few times I was TERRIFIED that child would be abandoned.
Of course they weren't, and of course he MANAGED to make it work.
I'd try standing your ground - or you make a rod for your own back.
Good luck - the consistency is good for the child too. Hanging around in one house for an hour or two waiting to go to the other house, unable to relax, is agony for both of you.

This is exactly what you should be doing.

Original poster

glossypeach · 28/11/2023 09:08

2jacqi · 28/11/2023 08:44

@glossypeach why do you drop the child off?? surely dad has to collect the child from wherever?

People saying that I shouldn’t drop him off and he should pick up from my home. For safety reasons, he isn’t to know my address. When I lived in my old home, he was threatening to set it on fire with me in it and threatening to have people come to my home to beat me up. So when I moved he is not to know my address. So we meet at a safe meeting point (Tesco carpark). which makes it so much more difficult as I wait until i get a message saying he’s nearby which changes each time as he travels from London.

OP posts:

Original poster

glossypeach · 28/11/2023 09:14

Peasnbeans · 28/11/2023 08:26

I had this.
I told him and after school club that I would only be booking and paying for the sessions I needed (ie. E O Fri). I sent him a list of the Fridays he would need to pay for.
I told school the weekends it would be him on a Friday.
He kicked off massively, said all the same as yours. I said well it's after school or not overnight, he doesn't get to pick. Child was only five so it was going to be a pattern set for next ten years if I didn't stand up now.
Will admit, first few times I was TERRIFIED that child would be abandoned.
Of course they weren't, and of course he MANAGED to make it work.
I'd try standing your ground - or you make a rod for your own back.
Good luck - the consistency is good for the child too. Hanging around in one house for an hour or two waiting to go to the other house, unable to relax, is agony for both of you.

Thank you for telling your experience. I think if I did that, he would refuse to pay and then wouldn’t pick our child up and then blame me and make it out to be my fault that our child was waiting there with no one. I think because he was abusive and still is very toxic and abusive in certain ways even though we’re not together - I do everything to avoid conflict and to keep the peace. I wouldn’t put our child in the middle of that either. He’s never even stepped foot in/near our child’s school and said that he will never pick him up as he works so I’m just stuck. He lies to child maintenance as well that he doesn’t earn an income and as he’s self employed he gets away with not paying. So whilst he gains money from working and doesn’t contribute, I’m losing money to accommodate him and his work

OP posts:

Peasnbeans · 05/12/2023 01:41

Hi @glossypeach
So, by NOT collecting his child from school or arranging after school care, he's really saying "I'm unable to have them".
I know it seems impossibly hard now, but in a few years you will be brave enough. So, for now, fake it until you make it. Tell school, factually and unemotionally (the office reception, as well as teacher, pref in email, cc people) so your truth is out there.
Go back to the legal decisions, you have protection there. Write to him and say that from X date, you expect him to collect child from school at finish time / 4pm. That you will NOT be paying for or arranging care for the child on his weekends, and that if school phone you to say that child is not collected by him / someone he has arranged, then child will not go to him that weekend.
I have done this, it is absolutely terrifying. My ex twatface is also an abusive, lying bully. But I wasn't prepared to let him control the way I wanted to live my life, moving forwards. He IS also barred from my street, never mind house.
Dig deep, OP. We are here to help.
Worst case - your DC is left at school 30min one Fri with his lovely teacher, you collect him, have a snuggly evening and you tell CMS his father is having him less overnight.
Best case - he MANAGES to arrange pick up, your child goes straight to his dad's after school which is better for you and them, as school will act as an 'airlock' .

BlueEyedPeanut · 05/12/2023 02:16

Personally, I would stop meeting him on the Friday as you are no longer available at 6:30. The child will be available for collection at 4pm as per the court order and the child is to be collected from nursery. If he gives off about it he can take it to court and explain to the judge why he doesn't feel like he has to pay for childcare during his contact time.

YOU can't make him do anything.

Heybearu · 05/12/2023 02:33

Peasnbeans · 05/12/2023 01:41

Hi @glossypeach
So, by NOT collecting his child from school or arranging after school care, he's really saying "I'm unable to have them".
I know it seems impossibly hard now, but in a few years you will be brave enough. So, for now, fake it until you make it. Tell school, factually and unemotionally (the office reception, as well as teacher, pref in email, cc people) so your truth is out there.
Go back to the legal decisions, you have protection there. Write to him and say that from X date, you expect him to collect child from school at finish time / 4pm. That you will NOT be paying for or arranging care for the child on his weekends, and that if school phone you to say that child is not collected by him / someone he has arranged, then child will not go to him that weekend.
I have done this, it is absolutely terrifying. My ex twatface is also an abusive, lying bully. But I wasn't prepared to let him control the way I wanted to live my life, moving forwards. He IS also barred from my street, never mind house.
Dig deep, OP. We are here to help.
Worst case - your DC is left at school 30min one Fri with his lovely teacher, you collect him, have a snuggly evening and you tell CMS his father is having him less overnight.
Best case - he MANAGES to arrange pick up, your child goes straight to his dad's after school which is better for you and them, as school will act as an 'airlock' .

This, 100%
Its time to take your power back ir he will be controlling you for the rest of your life. ❤

Codlingmoths · 05/12/2023 03:03

Peasnbeans for the win here. It will seem hard now but will make your next decade of ‘co’ parenting so much easier. School pick up or he doesn’t get his child.

Peasnbeans · 05/12/2023 21:47

(Thank you everyone for your support - I needed a 'me' years ago!)
Don't let him continue to control you for the rest of your child's school life. What about when you get a job with longer hours / a sexy partner who wants to whisk you away on a Friday lunchtime?

Are you going to say, 'No, sexy partner, I have to wait around for hours, pick up my lovely son so we can hang around, and PREPARE him for whenever twatface ex can manage to make it from his oh-so-more-important-life to collect child from the place he has decreed I must take him to wait around'?

No! You are going to say, 'I put my child first by showing him he is important enough to me that I have developed a ROUTINE and I will stick to that routine, even on times when it is an inconvenience to me (like a random INSET day or Mothers' Day or whatever). My child knows that everyone is entitled to live a life chosen by them, and that whilst the child is important, his ADULT father is expected to bend his selfish life to fit him in.

Hold firm! Let us know how you get on. I remember posting on here (under another name many years ago) at 2:30pm, 3pm, 3:15, 3:16, 3:17. - eventually at 5pm something I phoned the After-school club "just to check" and they said, "No, babypeas never came, her dad emailed last week and said he would collect directly from school.
Ha!