Did having children make your anxiety worse or better?

[Sallybegood]

Was having a conversation recently with a friend who has kids (I don’t currently) and she was saying how it has stopped her sweating the small stuff because you just can’t, e.g. she stopped worrying about things being a bit mucky or germy as they inevitably will be as small kids aren’t brilliant at hand hygiene, etc.

I can see how it could work that way, but also understandably a lot of people seem to say having children made them more anxious as you care so passionately about someone without 100% being in control of how they are. Logically it seems to me that, assuming you are a person with generally good mental health, having children just would make you at least a bit more anxious than you were before, because it does dramatically increase your responsibility (along with all the wonderful aspects of parenthood obviously).

But if you are a person who suffered with anxiety before having kids, I am wondering if you feel it made your anxiety better or worse? Not to drip feed: I’m asking partly because I suffer with anxiety quite a bit and I am wondering if that makes it irresponsible for me to think about becoming a parent, as I wonder if I would cope and be the parent that a child deserves (and also hang onto my sanity for my own sake).

YABU - being a parent won’t significantly increase your anxiety/might even make you less anxious, more joyful, more focused on the big important stuff - you should go for it

YANBU - if you’re struggling a lot with anxiety already, you won’t cope with parenthood

I think it's both, you don't worry more or less but just about different things. I think stuff to do with work I have less time to worry about (and care less tbh) but anything regarding my son I worry more about. I would say overall I'm more balanced but I had a severe bout of anxiety when DS was 2 months old. I think it's important to keep a check of yourself as the focus on children can sometimes disguise anxiety and other MH problems as you don't focus on yourself as much.

For me: a lot better, but that is also because it gave me the strongest incentive I've ever had to really tackle my own anxiety. It's really inheritable and I can't change the component of that that may be genetic, but I can try my best to limit the component that is taught behaviour. I will say that I find modern motherhood culture - which absolutely idolises anxiety as proof of love - often actively unhelpful in this. I have often been made to feel on MN that I am not as good a mother as others because I choose not to actively embrace irrational fear.

Different. I'm able to overcome a lot of my anxiety

I agree with this

It puts other stuff into perspective.

But it also brings new things to worry about. I found the teenage years far more difficult to negotiate than I ever imagined it would be.

This^
and this new stuff is bigger and more serious and endless

Worse. But I'm a lone parent with no support. I don't have anyone to bounce off and put things in perspective
.

Suffered from GAD since I was 6 and becoming a mum has by far been the best thing for my anxiety. Actually a total gamechanger. I wasn't sure motherhood was in my future because of my anxiety but from the second I found out I was pregnant it's like I'm a totally different person. I think for me personally, becoming a mum gave me a greater sense of self. I was dangerously in my head before and having a lot of space to think about myself was not healthy for me. Since having my daughter, when it comes to me I only get the most basic package of thoughts in my head. She helps to give me perspective and I just don't have the capacity to think how I used to. I know everyone's experience is different but for me there isn't space for anxiety in my life like there used to be! Of course you have the natural worries for your child but I feel as though that's healthy and how it should be:

Feel free to bounce off us if it helps x

My DM said something similar to me when I was expecting my DC. That I “won’t have time to be anxious once the baby arrives”.

Absolute bullshit. My anxiety went through the roof on day one and hasn’t come down. Being a parent is terrifying. Before, I just worried about me and could control some of the things that made me anxious. Now there’s a person I have almost no control over (now a teen) wandering about the world who I’m perpetually worried about!

I was scared during baby phase (SIDS, choking, a car would mount the kerb and hit the pram…), primary school phase (choking, falling, drowning, abduction, being run over…) and high school phase (bullying, mental health, drinking, drugs, social media…plus all the primary school things) and now the little sod is about to start driving which may well finish me off.

Yes, I’m medicated. Yes, I’ve been in therapy for years. But I did have both PNA (severe) and PND as well as birth trauma-induced PTSD…

Yay. Parenthood.

Worse. Oh so much worse. I now have to take medication.

At first it made me worse, then it made me better. It gave me a million more things to be anxious about, and way less time to be anxious in. I hadn't really appreciated how much I had arranged my life to cater for my anxiety/ allow me to avoid without really admitting it to myself, until having to do stuff for my DC forced me to do stuff I'd avoided. But no one can really tell you what it will be like for you.

Yes. I was awful initially

I think it made me realise I was really anxious and keep thinking I should probably go back to GP and raise it again. Mine was really ill early on though which I guess triggered a lot of the anxiety

Before having my baby my anxiety was under control, didn’t really think about it much to be honest. In my late teens / early 20’s it was awful though. So I’d had a good few years and then had a baby and I do feel like anxious and intrusive thoughts creep in more and more. It’s different though. I guess because it’s all based around this little person rather than anxiety for myself, if that makes sense.
But, I would take the anxiety hit 1000 times over to have my son. He’s the best thing.

I wasn't aware of any anxiety until I had DD. But my marriage as it was didn't help. I had a breakdown when DD was about 11. Just couldn't cope. I'm ok now, but there's a residual legacy. I'm a shy introvert, and I think some poor life choices tipped me into depression & anxiety.

This reflects my experience too.

Worse for sure. All your worries and anxieties become focused on them, but because you love them so much. However it doesn’t mean you’re not capable of parenting and I think it’s something than can be worked through. I’ve realised that I will always be an anxious person and that some anxiety as a parent is normal, but I’m trying to reduce it so that I don’t pass it on to my sons (unfortunately can already tell DS1 is anxious about things). I wouldn’t not become a parent because of anxiety though

You never know how you'll react so id never say having children will help, but I've had anxiety my whole life, looking back. Now with 3 kids, I can say I no longer have anxiety and haven't since having kids. Not sure why as life is harder! One has special needs. I've always been a terrible sleeper. Weirdly, having a young baby resets me. Breastfeeding, I sleep (slightly) better and long nights have more purpose.

It's made mine significantly worse, I'm in weekly therapy and very medicated to be able to cope. However, my DC had a very very difficult start to life, nearly died several times, and they have a lifelong medical condition as a result so I can't say what I'd be like if none of that happened!

What I would say though, is that it's been worth it, always. Crippling anxiety and all :)

Worse. I've always had anxiety, and it got much worse. Partly because I'm responsible for someone else's life, health, happiness, future outcomes, just everything falls on me and it's overwhelming pressure. I don't have a lot of support though, and came from an abusive/neglectful home growing up, so no example of how to parent well. So part of it is trying to overcome those issues. But also, after my last child my hormones were really unbalanced and I got PND bad. (It didn't happen with my first three- I was euphoric after having them) I don't understand why they call it depression, when in my experience and many others it's anxiety. But it's anxiety to the point of delusion. It caused OCD tendencies as well. When I stopped breastfeeding my hormones balanced out better and I started sleeping better without the night feeds, and the PND got better too. But I still don't feel like myself and sometimes the anxiety is so bad I physically shake. 0/10 do not recommend. However if you have good medical care it can all be managed. If you have anxiety and are going to be pregnant you can discuss treatment preemptively. My doctor retired right after I gave birth so our plan went out the window along with my sanity. I tried a few times to get help with my new doctor but they didn't listen and I wasn't in the frame of mind to advocate for myself. That's why it's so important to stick to the plan ahead of time. If you do end up with PND and you're not thinking clearly (for example irrational fear of baby being taken away if you speak up) that can hinder your treatment. It doesn't have to be like this though. It can be very straightforward and managed well! Good on you for researching too. I'm telling you all this bluntly not as a reason to not have children, but as an example of how not to do it. Have babies and go into it knowing how to manage your anxiety as well.

And mine too. Could have written this!

Also think the smiles and small interactions of the school run helps! Partly had a 3rd because I actually enjoy the walk to school and wanted to prolong the years I do it.

The birth of DC made DP's anxiety go through the roof. DC was very much planned and joyously anticipated, yet DP's lifelong GAD, which at that point was fairly straightforwardly managed, quickly morphed into something much more complex.

DP was well prepared, had read lots of books and attended classes to prepare for birth and parenthood, was well supported at work with an enhanced paternity package and looking forward to reducing hours for a bit. He was traumatised by my labour which was long and complicated, and completely knocked off course by the lack of sleep. A more resilient person would have had strategies to overcome this initial shock to the system, but DP completely internalised everything and became hyper-vigilant and couldn't stop worrying. What started as a sense of overwhelm became intrusive thoughts about the smallest of things, and came to manifest as strong compulsive behaviours quite quickly. Exhaustion became low mood which soon turned into full scale depression. He started self-harming secretly and eventually made a couple of attempts on his life. He'd sought help as soon as he noticed his mental health worsening, and received prompt medication and NHS CBT as well as brilliant therapy through his HR, but I'd say it was a hard road for the first two years and has continued to be challenging for him ever since, despite being proactive and conscientious about managing his anxiety.

I would also say it has definitely impacted our lives, including DC's, in terms of how we plan and make decisions. It is much, much better now, but I know DP is doing some serious paddling under the surface to stay afloat and keep on an even keel. That's his life now.

You worry about different things.

Worse. I’d never been particularly anxious before children - in fact always level headed and calm in most situations. Fine all through pregnancy - no anxiety and then BAM as soon as I’d give birth I became an anxious person. Anxious about most things. Many panic attacks. Normally over my health or my child’s health. I’ve had therapy for it which helped a small amount - now I just accept it that this is me now and there is no going back.