Toxic in-laws?

[AhItsSuperwoman]

Apologies in advance for the long post!
I (45F) married DH (45M) nearly a year ago. Prior to our wedding I'd met the in-laws twice as lived 8 hours away. I sent birthday gifts, occasional flowers and updates as I don't have an extended family and would love that connection with them. For context DH was close to his family but has been treated as an incompetent all his life and his sibling is favoured in everything. In-laws make it a point to say DH couldn't produce offspring and SIL gave them grandkids. DH is neurodivergent and has some quirks but is by no means incompetent and is a highly skilled professional (and a nice human). DH had no boundaries with them in the past. SIL "couldn't" make it to the wedding as it was a Friday and the kids (18 & 14) couldn't miss school. They were invited to our very intimate wedding 6 months in advance, we offered to pay for their stay at a hotel, etc. SIL (and parents) was very upset we didn't change our date to accommodate her. DH and I had a significant disagreement 2 weeks before the wedding and the in-laws were quite nasty to me about it, SIL was inappropriate. DH disinvited them to the wedding. Fast forward nearly a year. I extended an olive branch as DH was too anxious to take the first step and missed his parents. He's had therapy and has learned to establish boundaries. Now MIL is demanding an apology to SIL as if we've wronged her. They also make a point of not acknowledging our son as their grandson because DH adopted him and he's biologically only mine. We recently hosted MIL and FIL and it was all superficially lovely. AIBU for thinking the in-laws add nothing to our lives?

Well, you might feel they add nothing to your life but you also say that your DH missed them when he wasn’t seeing them so they may well add something to his life.

You are not unreasonable if circumstances are as stated, but your husband seems to crave a relationship with them. Therefore, keep them at polite arms length but don’t completely sever contact - leave husband to do most of the communication. Don’t apologise though (for what I don’t know, it was your husband who uninvited them to wedding!)

They clearly add something to your DH's life.

I'm not mad about my in-laws butttt they arey husbands family so you put up and shut up to some extent.

One thing I would say is this was poor form.
SIL "couldn't" make it to the wedding as it was a Friday and the kids (18 & 14) couldn't miss school. They were invited to our very intimate wedding 6 months in advance, we offered to pay for their stay at a hotel, etc. SIL (and parents) was very upset we didn't change our date to accommodate her

i actually think planning on a Friday if you wanted everyone to attend was very thoughtless especially as it was so "intimate". Book it when the kids aren't at school.

We checked dates with all key family members and I think this is very standard behaviour.

I think you're being unreasonable considering you booked the wedding on a school date when clearly the children wouldn't be able to make it which seems to be the start of the whole thing. It sounds like you probably do have something to apologise to SIL for, regardless of whether or not she also has stuff to apologise to you for. There's nothing wrong with being the bigger person.

We did inquire with everyone previously if there was any time that was inconvenient it being only family and everyone said they had no preference. So no, that isn't the case.

After the visit DH said he's not bothered about the relationship now as after therapy and being with them again he sees it all in a different way. I'm in a quandary as to how to proceed.

I'm sorry OP, but I think you and your Dh are at fault here, notwithstanding any issues that may have been brewing between him and his parents.

Of course it's not okay to insist on a wedding on a school day when there are a 14 and 18 year old involved. They're at that age of focusing on GCSEs and A-levels and schools are banging on constantly about not missing school. And frankly, if someone says, "tell us dates you can't make" and I have children, I sort of assume they'll understand I can't do weekdays.

Then your DH over reacted completely and disinvited his parents to your wedding.

I am more than willing to see that there might well be a lot of history and issues here from the past which are problematic, but as standalone events, you and your Dh haven't behaved well.

And as for your son - it's lovely that your DH has adopted him and I would absolutely hope that your in laws will embrace him as a member of their family. But in light of how things have been over the last few years, I can see why that relationship has not developed.

I don't understand the comments here, your In laws, with out doubt, are unreasonable at every point. DH needs to figure himself out, he is married and needs to learn to be a strong husband versus some kid who still needs his mommy. I get it, in Indian family or others, sometimes certain kids are over looked and this is a cause for huge trauma, this happened to me and continues to happen to me, I set boundaries and choose not to care, its very very very very tough but at the age of 45 I expect myself to be wayy stronger and have my emotions in check. In laws are separate from you, if they have an issue then they need to solve it. If they are reasonable to talk to I would bring up the the problem, but it doesn't look like they are, so you and your DH, need to come to an understanding and DH needs to stop being a little traumatized child. He adopted the kid, take responsibility and love the child, if in laws are against it, then let them suffer in silence and don't let them affect you guys. DH needs to get on board this ain't a game, this is life. Stop being a baby.