Frenemy’s already! How to deal with this?

[GingerbreadMumsy]

I was hoping for my girls to be older before all the “frenemy” crap started but at 7….here we are!
DD has been friends with a girl in her class since reception. Other girl has always been a bit bossy, a bit too fond of getting her own way/me me me while DD to my frustration allows her to take the lead with games etc and always lets her friend get her own way. They always seemed to get on well and be happy to see each other so although there have been times I’ve internally raised an eyebrow at friends behaviour, and have just reminded DD that she’s allowed to speak up and say “I don’t want to” or “it’s my turn” etc when we talk about play dates with her.
Earliee this year the friends entitled and unkind behaviour ramped up, examples being her beginning to enjoy telling DD off, for ridiculous things. Examples being while in a pizza restaurant together her shouting to tell me that DD “was drinking lots of water!!!”, rushing to tell a teacher DD was wearing a necklace on mufti day hoping to get her in trouble, when on a walk chastising DD loudly for “picking grass and dandelions!” basically every couple of minutes I would hear her telling DD she was doing something wrong, and any time DD would do a cartwheel, sing a song, basically do anything, this girl would announce she could do it better and “everyone watch, everyone watch” 🙄
I asked DD if the friend was like this at school as well and she said yes and that she doesn’t really like playing with her that much. Told DD I totally get why she doesn’t enjoy her company when she acts like that and maybe try playing with other people/we’ll cool off the play dates for a while.
This hasn’t really worked as they carry on playing together at school 🙄 but DD continues to complain at home about her. She says she doesn’t really like her but doesn’t know how to say she doesn’t want to play with her (we have role played it a million times to no avail). The latest is that DD has got the nativity part the friend said she wanted and in the nativity rehearsals every time DD has a line, this girl and another girl in her class will turn round and whisper/laugh at DD. She has also told DD her sister (my other daughter obviously) is weird - she’s autistic.
all in all, a bit unpleasant and not a kind friendship.
Has anyone been through similar and able to offer advice on how to support DD/how to help her build more positive, equal friendships? She is a lovely, lovely girl but worryingly passive and I fear whoever she is friends with they will quickly recognise she is an easy target who won’t tell a teacher (why!!!) and won’t tell them to do one, and will instead silently put up with their unkind behaviour and then come home, offload to me and I end up feeling a mixture of sad for my little girl and seething. I’m constantly trying to build her self esteem, role plays of how to stand up for herself in a way she feels comfortable, we talk about what makes a good friend etc but she still seems no stronger and this girl treats her like dirt. It’s not a precedent I want set for her as she gets older. Would really appreciate advice!
Thanks!

You need to tell all this to the class teacher. They can intervene but they won't know all the background or what damage is being done to your daughter unless you let them know. Ask for the girls to be separated so that they can both make new friends.

One of the really annoying things as well is this girl is the teachers pet 😂 always drawing pictures for the teacher, getting “star of the week” certificates, I often hear her referred to as being “so sweet” etc etc etc 🙄🙄🙄
so I don’t know if the teacher would actually believe me when I say she’s (sneakily) quite a “mean girl”

Some of this is normal age-appropriate stuff, such as telling tales and being ridiculously bossy.

Your DD being a bit people-pleasy is also common, keep encouraging her to stand her ground.

You're attributing more to this stuff than is necessary for most of it, but these bits: every time DD has a line, this girl and another girl in her class will turn round and whisper/laugh at DD. She has also told DD her sister (my other daughter obviously) is weird - she’s autistic should be reported to school as bullying.

Unfortunately kids are not great in primary, but keep teaching your DD about this stuff and also ask school to separate them where possible.

You don't say she's a 'mean girl' - she is only seven and is still learning.

You state the facts, what impact it is having on your DD and what you want to happen.

Be mindful you only have your 7yo's side of things, so keep your adult head on.

Oh dear. Your daughter's managed to bag herself a friend who is a swat, kiss arse and a telltale. She sounds obnoxious. But I wouldn't get too involved. You've been a brilliant mother and supported your daughter so far. You've given her the tools to cope. Now she's only 7, so she needs time to apply what mammy has taught her to life. I would still not be doing playdates though. But your little girl must learn how to deal with these types because they become arrogant bullies in adulthood. She will learn. Keep an eye on it because it's looking like a bit of bullying is creeping in. If that happens then you'll have to talk to the teacher. Surely the teacher's noticing her taking the piss in the nativity play rehearsal?

There will be nice girls in the class (unless you're extremely unlucky) Could you invite one of those over? Also flag it to the teacher so she doesn't put them together.

Honestly, I’ve had to speak to the school in the last school year about someone being horrible to DD so I’m certain I’m going to be known as “that parent” if I rock up again this time stating it’s someone else who is picking on her. And as mentioned this other kid is thought of as some sort of bloody poster child for the school 😂🙈 she’s always spoken about in such sickly sweet terms as I stand thinking WTF do they actually observe anything about this girl 😂🙈

Maybe they do observe this girl. You don't at school as you're not there.

Kids are their own best spin doctors. Someone else has picked on dd? Possible she is unaware she isn't being particularly nice herself? You only have dds version of events.

Speak to the teacher. It is helpful for them to know for both the girls' wellbeing. There be other parents who have reported instances of this kind of behaviour and the teacher will be able to see it's a pattern of behaviour.

She may also know things about the other child and her behaviour that you don't know.

You can just describe what's been happening as you did in your op and ask the teacher to keep an eye on it and if possible keep them separate.

@Goodornot Totally take on board your point as you don’t know DD, but I do and I have watched with my own eyes this girl be for want of a better word a real madam to DD while DD literally does nothing. Trust me when I say she is seriously passive and has huge difficulty asserting herself.

They always are - they can manipulate adults onside with such ease.

Ask your DD if she wants you to raise it with the teacher and then say to the teacher “this is what DD wanted me to raise with you” and leave it at that. Keep doing it until it’s resolved.

No one cares if you are “that parent”, all you need to do is advocate for your daughter and show her you are supporting her. Quietly seething and coaching her at home isn’t really going to make a difference if she’s only 7 and hasn’t learnt to speak up for her self yet.

You know what you know, so keep working with your daughter to assert herself. And please do notify the teacher and report it as relational aggression. They may balk at recognizing it as bullying but they might accept being pushed towards your viewpoint.

I would also end free playtime/playdates and only permit closely supervised but high value activities. So take both girls out and correct mean girl every time.

Does your DD go to her house?

Are you friends with the mum? Does she have a view?

But you absolutely can advocate for your DD at school

We used to have very regular play dates but DD began to complain about her behaviour and to be honest even if she hadn’t, I’d seen enough of it with my own eyes and ears to want to discourage it. Friends mum very much believes her daughter to be a cut above in every way. Not naive to not think this is probably where some of the behaviour comes from, continually being told how much better she is than others/pressure to be better than others/nose out of joint if anyone else shines at anything.

Be that parent OP. For a start stop the play dates,stop all out of school contact with little miss bossy,This will give your dd breathing space away from the noise and hassle.Encourage new friendships out of school with different families. Do you know the mother well? A slightly passive aggressive odd comment or two at drop off or pick up worked wonders for me..such as "oh goodness i see your xxx is laying down the law again (meaning child) do you mum ever get as tired of it as we all do? with a tinkly laugh to follow with a well timed eye roll from you! Be your own dds champion always,you owe nothing to anyone else and often if you can embarrass the parent you would be amazed at the changes!!

My Dd had a similar problem at around this age (although DD and other child weren’t friends to start off with). We spoke to the teacher about it, who was brilliant and reminded DD that this girl was NOT the boss of her and it was fine for DD to point this out to the girl. The girl hasn’t completely backed off but it’s a lot better than it was and most of the time my DD just rolls her eyes and has a “whatever” attitude. Also we encouraged DD that if she was in doubt about what was doing - was she allowed to do it or not - then to ask the teacher for clarification and that it’s got nothing to do with the other child.

So definitely speak with teacher (I suspect not all teachers find this child sweet) and keep reinforcing that this child is an equal and has no power over your DD.