Dp & neighbour - Aibu?

[Ocholo93]

I am absolutely fuming right now and need opinions on if I’m being unreasonable or not. If I’m being honest I don’t care if I am, I believe I feel this way for a reason and have a right to be angry.

dp recently started ‘following’ a young lady that lives on our apartment floor. We are very reserved in our building and don’t interact too much with neighbours, just say ‘hello’ when we bump into eachother however this young lady was not someone we bump into often, in all the years of living here I have only seen her to say hello twice, one of which was today! So when I noticed that her and dp began following eachother on Instagram I instantly wondered how that situation came about.. they obviously had to exchange social usernames etc?

this is another issue, I am not able to follow him on social media / Instagram, he doesn’t want me on there. I don’t have social media anymore but I did in the past. To be fair it is a business account that he has, for his business. But it is still personal, he is still posting himself on there everyday, interacting with everyone, he follows absolutely everyone he knows on there. When I asked him how they began to follow eachother he told me that she followed him for his business (even though she is not a client).

this evening whilst sitting on the couch, I hear a light knock on our front door. Dp goes to the drawer, takes out a tool and opens the door very slight just enough to pass the tool out but so that I cannot see. I hear a girl say ‘thanks I will bring it back soon’ and then he closes the door. I immediately opened the door after to see who it was and it was this young lady that he follows. At that point I was very confused and instantly realised that they have obviously been messaging as she’s clearly messaged to ask him if she can borrow this.

when I asked dp how it came about he completely refused to tell me. I tried to stay calm but was fuming inside, I asked 4 times and he completely refused to tell me. All he could’ve said was ‘she messaged asking to borrow something’ but instead he refused to answer me and told me not to stress him out. At this stage I was so angry as he clearly knows it’s inappropriate as he couldn’t even have the decency to tell me.

dp Then storms off to bed, as if I have done something wrong by asking him. I hear her knock lightly at the door again (baring in mind she didn’t press our door bell at all, it was a light knock as if to be sneaky in my eyes) so I immediately went and opened the door. I could see she was a bit stunned to see me open the door and put on a nice smile and passed me the tool. I asked her ‘how did this come about?’ And she began to tell me she has an issue with her sink but I asked specifically how did this come about that she’s messaged my dp to ask him for it. It then turned into an argument she cited his ‘profession’ as if to say that means anything? His profession has nothing to do with a tool she’s messaged to borrow. I told her that I don’t think it’s appropriate, she could have just asked me to borrow something (especially as I saw her earlier today) instead of texting her neighbours boyfriend’. She then was rude and told me ‘no one is interested in your man’ and swore at me as she walked off in which I equally swore back.

now I will admit I’m now regretting engaging in an argument. I have never in my entire life argued with ANYBODY, I have never sworn etc I am the most gentlest soul and the calmest person, everyone tells me this. I don’t know what came over me but I felt a rage.

dp did not come out of the room whilst this happened, I then went to him and told him to tell me what happened and he completely refused. He told me that he is not interested in her and that i have brought trouble to my door now, that she is a dangerous person and her friends. I then told him HE has brought this to our door. We don’t get too personal with our neighbours, he would never let me borrow things to neighbours as he likes us to mind our business and stay out of trouble, so if he thinks this girl is trouble then why would he willingly go out of his way to borrow her something. I reminded him that if this was the other way around he would go mad! But he just proceeded to tell me that I am immature and basically crazy.

I am now sitting here unsure of if I’m in the right or wrong. I would never fight anyone and I would especially never fight another woman over a man. That wasn’t really my point, my issue was the way they sneakily exchanged at my front door, she felt comfortable enough to knock on my door like that, that clearly they have messaged eachother etc. in my head I just don’t think this is appropriate, this is not just a neighbour that we are close with etc.

have I made a mistake? Have I embarrassed myself? I’m slightly mad at myself now, my issue is obviously with dp and I perhaps shouldn’t have taken it out on the girl but equally I feel it’s right to be territorial over my home and my kids home and I had a right to question. I couldn’t imagine texting a neighbours boyfriend asking for something, especially if we are not close at all with the neighbours.

I suppose you might look at it that your boyfriend is probably the 'tool' she wants to borrow & he wants to lend.

Remember it's a malfunctioning 'tool' at best & you'd be far better off looking for one of better quality.

Then end the relationship. You're insecure with this guy and always will be and so you'll never be happy whilst you're with him.

Wow. What are these awful replies bashing the OP? Whatever her insecurities, her boyfriend and neighbour are clearly being inappropriate and secretive. Messaging someone of the opposite sex is fine - being sly about it is not. Her partner is taking her for a fool. He sounds like a controlling, gaslighting bully.

OP first step- go back on SM and stop allowing him access to your phone.
If he complains, tell him he's not letting you anywhere his, so why should she be allowed yours?

Ideally dump him, obviously.

I think you both need to grow up, social media seems to turn adults into insecure children, I've read threads like this time after time...........

Your mistake is to focus on this woman. She isn't your issue, your partner is. You say you're insecure, well, that's understandable given you have a partner who sneaks around, refuses to be transparent, then hides away in the bedroom like a coward while two women argue about him. Not to mention the classic preparing his story by telling you she's 'crazy'. It's regrettable you chose to address it with the young woman, but it's done now. All you can do is make sure that doesn't happen again. Turn some of that assertiveness onto your partner instead. If he can't or won't answer your questions and you don't trust him, it's surely time to part ways?

I don't really think it is a question of the OP being 'unhinged'. The OP appears to have been with a controlling and abusive man over a long time who has undermined her confidence in herself. The situation with this the neighbour has brought her (understandable) anger up and she is directing it at this woman rather than her husband where it rightfully belongs. The behavoiur between the husband and the neighbour does seem extremely furtive so I think the OP's reaction is understandable. Please don't undermine the OP who is already struggling and is under the control of an abusive man

Yup. I think some people on here may be in for quite a shock if they persist with the naive view that everytime a man is thought to be up to no good he's innocent and and it's all because his partner is 'insecure'.

This is not a healthy relationship. The fact that you having a perfectly normal social media account that he pestered you into deleting is pretty awful. The fact that you know he's flirting with other women on his and won't even be friends with you if you did have social media.

Your bf is also her neighbour so there's absolutely nothing wrong with her messaging him to borrow a tool, especially as you don't have any social media for her to contact you on.

You need to have a long hard look at your relationship. Absolutely nothing you have said about it makes it sound normal or healthy.

So he won’t let you have access to his social media, but what you have seen is flirty etc, but he has complete access to yours, questioning you over everything and giving you a hard time, to the extent that you have to delete social media. Then all this business with this girl!

The quiet door knocking is suspicious rather than just ringing the doorbell. The question is, is this because of your insecurities or is it another example of his bad behaviour?

Whatever, this does not sound a healthy relationship. It really doesn’t. Please try the freedom programme on Woman’s Aid. I suspect he’s quite controlling, possibly abusive in other areas too, if we examine this relationship carefully. I suspect you tread on eggshells so as not to upset him, just like you deleted the social media so as to not upset him. I suspect he’s contributed to making you insecure, especially if previous relationships have been just as unhealthy.

X post, saying the same as the last poster.

This is a terrible relationship. It will only get worse. The question is whether you want to end it and escape now or whether you want more years of feeling like this. You have now alienated your neighbour now over your partner. This is not looking good.

I think you need to walk away, but I feel that your insecurities will not let you.

Why is knocking quietly at a door suspicious?

I live in a flat. We have lent other neighbors stuff and arranged for them to come and collect it over message so 2 mins later they pop up and lightly tap on the door. They are expected! No need to go to communal entrance and ring doorbell. Or hammer on the flat door.

And also not much need to do more than open door quick and pass thing and say cheers.

Honestly if they were shagging they'd just shag! Not borrow tools openly!

(The social media ban is odd/weird)

This relationship is unhealthy, he messages other women, flirting with them

He has social media which you are banned from looking at, but he wants to know everything you write on there.

Honestly there's more red flags than healthy

I would just leave him

You all sound really immature.

The fact that he literally had you blocked from his social media shows that he isn't using it in an innocent way imo.

My thoughts too.

I can’t believe the hard time you are getting OP
Yed you whet it but it sounds like there is a build up because of his behaviour which made you finally snap.
He doesn’t what you having social media so that you don’t see what her up too.
He’s putting onto you what he is actually going .
Blaming you for doing stuff on SM when it’s actually him.
You don’t trust him and he’s isn’t to be Trusted anyway. He is definitely communicating with the neighbour without you knowing. Anyone else would just chat the door to you both .

Matbe it’s best to re think this relationship

You cannot excuse OP’s behaviour.
It is controlling and not right.

If a man had been accusing his wife of cheating/being up to no good because she spoke to a male neighbour and he had a go at him asking why he spoke to her and not him and accused her of cheating because the neighbour knocked and not rang the bell etc - we would all be screaming to leave him because he’s so controlling.

We would not be trying to justify his actions by blaming the wife and saying she’s made him this way.

So you deleted your social media, but he continues on it and won't let you see what he writes on it? And he contacts strange women and has interactions with them, but won't let you even have social media?

Why are you with this complete idiot?

This relationship is a toxic disaster from top to bottom, and the best thing you could ever do for yourself is to leave him. I don't think you have a single clue as to what a healthy relationship looks like.

OP hasn't said that he banned her social media, she said he was intrusive about what she did on there. But OP were you doing the same with him? How did you spot the neighbour following him on SM if he has a lot of followers?

The bit that seemed OTT before the argument with the neighbour was the way OP rushed to the door to see who had called, even though her partner took the tool to the door to hand over to someone. Why not just say, 'Oh, who was that ?'

So not opening the door fully was enough to set OP checking on her partner and demanding answers. No wonder he brushed her off and walked away to the bedroom.

I am not saying he is innocent of any wrong to OP in the past, but OP was asking MN about this incident.

Ignore the nasty comments.
Red flags
He has no respect if it was innocent to even say of so and so asked to borrow tool n coming to get it or even to jus say o she messaged to borrow tool
Where is the respect in the relationship there! If innocent bcuz i bet u would do the same other way round ! Also the fact ur not allowed social media bcuz he has made it uncomfortable for u to have is a sign of coercive control
Ppl don't accuse unless controlling have a valid reason to distrust or have trust issues or usually because they are doing it them selves ! Always trust ur gut!

Thank you for all of the replies.

I will admit I feel very guilty and regret my actions this morning. I have never behaved in this way, although might sound hard to believe through this post. I have spent years putting up with all of these ‘little’ things and I just snapped. It should have been aimed at dp but he was giving me nothing, refusing to answer me or tell me anything, so I felt the need to find out myself. The reason I opened the door to check afterwards was because I knew he wouldn’t tell me anything, this is usual behaviour from him, unless I see for myself he will be shady about everything.

I do think she knew she was being shady too, as she looked slightly startled when I opened the door to collect the tool. Also, she is not a client, we are not close to any of the neighbours/no one really talks to eachother in all of the years, so this out of nowhere was just strange, especially as dp is very reserved with us not interacting with neighbours etc (just the basic hello).

I agree this is a very immature situation. This is actually one of the reasons why I tend not to bother dp about his sm or ask any questions as I feel it can be immature focusing on social media when there are bigger issues to focus on in life. Dp didn’t ban me from sm, but he had a problem with me being on it and I couldn’t be bothered with the stress so deleted it.

dp is not ‘secretive’ with his sm because of me being ‘intrusive’ etc. it was a sudden overnight switch, literally, from following eachother / being posted on each others pages and very open to suddenly keeping me completely hidden and blocking me. That’s when I did some digging and over the years have come across many issues, him messaging 20+ women at the same time, flirting, acting single etc etc. which is clearly why he doesn’t want me on there so he can portray himself that way and also so that no one he knows can ‘come across’ my profile. For example, I had tiktok and he told me to follow him recently on there, when I did he got annoyed that I had a photo of myself with the kids as the profile photo, so he removed my photo and removed me from following him. I know this is because people on his account may come across my profile, see my photo with the kids and put 2 and 2 together and realise I am his partner.

there are a lot more issues bigger than the neighbour situation, but when everything’s hidden and something so basic as a neighbour asking to borrow something and he still couldn’t be straight forward with me, it bothered me a lot. If I am being honest, this is not the First Lady in our complex for him to follow on sm. in fact it has happened multiple times. One young lady in particular, they would be liking each others posts/selfies and eventually a few years later he slipped up and told me that she had asked him out on a date…. Now that just confirms they had been talking, he had obviously entertained it.

I do feel terrible for the way I handled it, I do want to apologise. But I also wanted to stand my ground as I didn’t think it was appropriate and it was obviously done in a sneaky way and I don’t want her to think I will accept that either.

I am baffled as to why you are with this man. There is no way you are happy in this relationship.