Sister baby name choice.

[Namechanged0987654]

I can’t believe I’m even writing this thread. I’ve rolled my eyes at so many baby name threads.

DS is due any minute, and announced the name of the baby today to the family. It’s the name of my incredibly abusive ex. Whilst it was some time ago - she was only 16 at the time, she never knew the full details, my family never knew the full details, but they knew it was bad. I fled domestic abuse that had driven me to suicide attempts. I had no support through that time (long story, narcissistic parents). I’ve refuse to give that man any headspace, but I can’t cope with a daily mental reminder of him. It’s not a particularly common name.

should I keep quiet and get over myself (and if so how?!) or say something?

YABU - stay silent and forever hold your peace
YANBU - say something

Also to add DS is clearly very attached to name and I honestly feel like I’d be a total cow to say anything. I’m so happy for her and don’t want to do anything to detract away from her joy.

I'd keep quiet.

I mean I feel awful for you but it'd be the same thing if someone of that name married into the family or something. You'd have to learn to deal with it, as hard as it is.

I can see why it’s brought up some old feelings in you but I think a gentle YABU.
Your sister probably doesn’t even remember the boyfriend you had when she was a teenager, especially if she wasn’t privy to the details.
Once the baby is born it won’t be your exbf name, it’ll be your nephews name and as you get to know him you’ll feel differently about it until it’s something you don’t even think about.
It might be worth finding a friend to talk it through with just to get it off your chest though, preferably one that doesn’t know DS

When you say not particularly common what do you mean? How uncommon.

If the baby hasn't been born tbh I'd say something. Once he's born and has the name on a birth certificate it's too late.

The name will soon become your nephew’s name, and not your ex’s name.

Old fashioned name, not met anyone called by it for a while. Might be making a comeback possibly but no idea!

Not in the same league, but my sister used my recent (2 months prior to birth) ex's name for my nephew. I was dumped due to wanting kids so it smarted at the time.

It hurt - a lot, however as others have said it will change the association and will become easier.

I'd keep quiet. Very soon, it will remind you more of your nephew than your awful ex.

Ouch!

I doubt she remembers that. Hopefully over time your nephew will heal the memory of that name, like how immersion therapy works.

Try look at the positives if you can. I think it could be another piece in the puzzle of healing for you. If hearing the name brings such a terrible feeling to you, it's time to face that head on and work on getting over that (I mean that in a nice way, not a bitchy way). Then, if you ever meet a stranger by that name, you will think of your nephew instead of your ex.

It might not be too late to say something like 'Kyle, oh just like Jeremy Kyle' (or insert other undesirable namesake) and ruin the name for her. You'll need to do it before child is born though.

hi OP, I wasn't going to comment but maybe my story can help. Similar situation - except with a new colleague joined with the EXACT same first and last name and he was reporting to me.

I was so triggered at first. But eventually, it actually helped. I now first associate the name with said colleague and the power of the name has been taken away. it may be a blessing in disguise.

@Namechanged0987654

your sister will get over it, she can choose a different name. Surely she wouldn't want you to be reminded of the bastard day in, day out.

be gentle but get her told!!

I would want to be told I think if I was your sister. However much I personally liked a name it wouldn't trump my sister's mental health at hearing it so often. I'm really not sure how best to bring it up though. Only you know how your sister is likely to take this.

I think within a few weeks / months your nephew will be the default for that name and you will get used to it.

I wouldn’t talk her out of it, and if you do, be prepared for a family fallout of mass proportions. It’s a lose / lose situation for her. She either has to choose a new name when she’s got her heart set on this one, or she carries on and uses the name knowing it will be hurting you.

If me or my sister were in your position neither of us would think twice about going for a different name. I couldn't bear the idea of putting her through that, even for a moment.

If you've a good relationship I'm sure she'd completely understand. Most ppl go through a 'no not that name, it reminds of this is dick I once once knew' anyway, but obvs yours is even more sensitive.

say something, there's so many names available they could pick anything else

It's not fair on your sister for this man's actions to affect such an important decision regarding her baby, especially so close to her due date. If she wasn't privy to any information at the time or since it's quite a big thing to disclose at a vulnerable time for her and she may not react well out of shock, confusion or disappointment. A family fall out wouldn't be your fault, or your sister's, it would be his for causing the trauma in the first place, but unfortunately a discussion carries that risk

I guess it's hard to be in your place.
However, when the baby is born and time pasts, that name will be your nephew's name and slowly will remind you less and less your ex.

Similar to PP, I've got bad memories of a person in my life with a particular name. This person really was despicable and hateful, ruining more than one childhood and making their name as horrible as they were.

But then the name became very popular and loads of parents gave it to their kids so I had to hear it a lot when my child went to school. And like other posters, that process made the name associated more with the innocent kids than the nasty child abuser. It wasn't fun and it took a long while, but I am "over it" and don't tend to think of the awful person if I hear the name now, it's more the kids.

It doesn't sound like your parents will step in on your behalf anyway, so you might have to just suck it up rather than potentially upset your DSis.

…and this is why I never announce my name before the birth.

i think you need to treat this as the birth announcement. Your sister hasn’t announced the name to invite feedback, she’s simply telling you what the name of her baby is. It’s not your baby and you don’t actually get a say.

I get that it’s an unfortunate reminder for you, but these are your issues to manage and it’s very unfair to put those issues on someone else.

Like others have said, you will come to replace any memory/association with the name to your nephew.

No my parents wouldn’t do a thing, in fact I can guarantee if I mentioned it to them they’d twist it totally and say I was making everything about myself.