To feel sorry for myself and dread Christmas

[50plusandfabulous]

I’m recently divorced and a relationship I was in afterwards with someone I loved very much has come to nothing. I live alone apart from the dog, all my friends are married and we aren't great going out people as we are more gym goers than drinkers.
I’ve just put my tree up alone, I will be waking up alone on Xmas day for the third year (DS and partner are coming for dinner later).
I’ve got a big family and lots of friends , but I feel so alone. My marriage was pretty rubbish and I really thought I had a later life chance of happiness. I have no interest in meeting anyone else, but I sit feeling absolute despair most nights.
I know I am lucky that I have a successful well paid career and a lovely home which is more than some people have , I am really trying to do things that make me feel better, when I’m working it takes my mind off it, but weekends seem so long.

Why do you have no interest in meeting anyone else? It sounds like meeting someone else is exactly what would be good for you.

Could your ds and partner come Christmas Eve and stay over night?

@50plusandfabulous been there. It’s so shit. But realistically you are likely to meet someone else. So this year I’d be hugely selfish and do lots for yourself, it’s still shit and I get it but it will be over before you know it and you’ve no idea who you might be decorating the tree with next year.

Oh OP, I feel you.

However, you have a DS and his partner and I don’t doubt you’ll make it a wonderful day.

I am recently separated, no NC (much wanted but didn’t happen) and not too close to my family so I think I’ll be either on my own or a pity invite from one of my close friends.

don’t think I will even bother putting a tree up this year which will be the first time ever

Sorry to hear this OP.

Would you consider planning your Christmas Day/ period to include helping at a lunch for the homeless or older lonely people, and / or going to a church service?

I realise one or both of these things might be completely outside your comfort zone, but I bet you'd be glad you went and they would give structure and meaning to the Christmas weekend/ day prior to your DS arriving.

DS and his partner want Xmas morning alone with their new cat, I wouldn’t ask them to change their plans.
I may go to church , I wouldn’t have missed years ago.
its not just the day, its the lead up and most weekends generally. I just feel so sad all the time.

i am so sorry you feel this way. It’s good that you have company for the meal but I do understand the loneliness.

I try to keep myself occupied when I feel like this.

church is a good idea if that brings you comfort. If you are cooking a full Christmas dinner that will also need time a prep. I blast the Christmas music when I cook alone on Christmas morning. The dog will also require a walk - I took the dog for a walk last Christmas Day and was amazed by how many solo folk were in the park doing the same thing. Lots of smiles and Christmas greetings.

The thing is lots of people have done lonely times over the holiday. We have been tricked into thinking everyone has the big house full of dozens of people and kids running around. It’s like that for some people at certain stages of life - but lots of people spend at least part of it alone.

it doesn’t make it easier though. Hope you are okay

But you're not alone, you have your dog! Can you not spoil him a bit? Wrap up a couple of new dog toys (dogs love tearing the paper off themselves!) and take him for a lovely walk? There will be lots of other people out to swap 'Happy Christmas!'s with. And when you get back you can maybe keep yourself busy baking and have fresh biscuits to share with your DS and his partner when they get there.

My heart goes out to you op as I can kind of relate. I’m divorced too and the relationship I was in after my marriage has also finished, leaving me heartbroken. I have young children so am busy but I am still desperately lonely even when I’m busy with kids/work/family/friends. I am dreading Christmas as I have to put a brave face on for the kids but inside I feel so sad. I miss my ex dp a lot. I don’t know what to suggest really, it’s a horrible feeling.

Hi OP sorry you feel so sad. Its not exactly same foe me but I did have long periods of my life when the kids would be at their dad's and I was alone alot.
I worked for a few charities during those years and I can honestly say it really changed my perspective.. it doesn't make the loneliness go away but it does make you feel better in other ways
Reccomend Contact the Elderly and Crisis at Christmas
Local churches ofter have events running up to Christmas its a great way to get out of the house , and maybe do some good deeds..
Wishing you all the best.🙏

I know it's probably not what you want to hear but don't believe that everyone with a DP/DH and family at home is in a happy relationship... there are lots of people who would envy your quiet, simple life.... but are stuck in unhappy, toxic situations.

Sounds corny, but count your blessings. I echo other suggestions about finding out what local churches have to offer, I did some research last night and found at least ten events in local churches/cathedrals that sound lovely.

The grass isn't always greener.

It’s tough. You have a nice house, great job, big family, a son coming to see you at Xmas and lots of friends. On the surface you have a ‘lot’ but you can’t help how you feel inside.

Do you know any other single women? Could you book in a Xmas zoom call first thing on Xmas day?

Even if you are alone could you book in some theatre and museum visits in the run-up so you have something to do? Or will that make you feel worse?

i don’t know where you live but in London there are lots of city historical walks you can book into. Is there anything like that you can plan?

Volunteering and helping others can make some people feel better. Could you possibly set up a WhatsApp group for your street and collect toys for a local hospital for example?

I think creating some kind of timetable might help? To ease the pain of your loneliness. X

I don't say this to be unkind, but I think a lot of what you have said here is not unusual. It is very common for a first relationship after divorce to be the thing that really stings, almost as though there is a kind of deferred grief about such an enormous life change hurting all the more when magnified by fresh hopes.

It's not the hope that is wrong, but there are stages and parts of change that must be gone through. Take this year for yourself and do anything that you have always wanted to do. You will look back on it as a moment, not how things were just then going to be.

It is tough especially on grey rainy days

can you be bold and invite neighbours / friends for Xmas drinks? Book ticket for a show you like? Doesn’t have to be panto - anything you fancy.

Wise points @Ragwort

Christmas 😥 Dreading it already

This is very well put and wise advice.

That was @JennyForeigner

https://www.meetup.com/

Can you join your local meet up groups and try out the different interest groups until you find one you like. This is a good way of meeting people to fill your time with.

Local charities such as food banks, befriending services, hospices etc also look for volunteers at this time of the year.

Sounds like it's time to shake off the loneliness and get out and about. You don't have to meet a man, but you also don't have to be sitting on the sofa feeling alone.

Look at things that you've enjoyed in the past. I've joined a Philharmonic Choir for the first time in twenty years and despite it being HARD, I am absolutely loving every minute of it. It's only one night a week but it's just wonderful. I've not made friends as such with anyone there at this stage, and I may never be part of that side of the choir as it's not really what I want to do, but the 2 hours of music that just calls to my soul has been reinvigorating.

Perhaps you'd like to learn an instrument, take up horse riding, join a book club, a pottery class, learn to make silver jewellery, beginners welding classes, learn to do plastering or plumbing, join a French conversational class - absolutely anything at all that tickles your fancy! Lots of these things are super affordable as well these days - DH is looking at an evening welding class in the new year - 12 weeks for £140. Absolute bargain.

Good grief OP. Get on tinder and get yourself the ride.

I jest but why are you writing yourself off like this? If you’re lonely, don’t say you have no interest in meeting someone else. If you get hurt again, you get hurt. Or IT COULD BE AMAZING.

I think Christmas just highlights things we’re feeling slightly down about. Things that we cope with ok most of the time.

Id get a dog! Nothing loves you more or wakes up so delighted to see you every day. (joke, only if you love dogs!)

I get what you’re saying but the dog can’t talk and the dog can’t make her a cup
of tea or give her a foot rub. She craves human connection. It is ok to feel sad about things sometimes.

@Ramalangadingdong this is exactly right. I adore my dog, but I would love to have someone sitting here with me now, specifically my lovely ex partner who I miss very much. I work long hours, go the gym and try to keep busy, but I struggle with the solitude.