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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel betrayed and pissed off?

48 replies

lizpi · 26/11/2023 20:13

I know a woman who I have been friends with since high school (aged 11) albeit not overly close for a good few years, but we were back then.

Our DC have both started reception together and are best friends. We've become much closer, doing things with the DC and I've been giving them lifts to/from school when it's raining etc. as she doesn't drive. We've confided in each other about our ExDP's (fathers of our DC). I've told her how crap he is, the way he's made me feel etc.

ExDP picks DS up from school 1-2 times per week if he can be bothered. It has come out that friend, ExDP and the two DC spent an evening together after school, going to various parks and then all went for food together.

The four of them then met up on a weekend and spent the day together at a farm. Today DS had a birthday party that ExDP took him to, and when he picked DS up from my parents' house, she was in the car with her DC.

None of this has been mentioned to me, DS told me and it's been confirmed. They both say nothing is going on between them. Just "mates" apparently.

They had never met prior to September, it's literally just through the school run.

AIBU to be upset about this? It feels like a betrayal from her.

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 26/11/2023 21:34

She can do as she chooses...but...i go by the friend code and sister code... never go with anyone a friend or female member family has been with. Yuk

Coconutter24 · 26/11/2023 21:42

Whether there’s anything romantic or not at the point of you sharing your feelings about your ex she could have easily mentioned something about their friendship/relationship.

Dymaxion · 26/11/2023 21:48

ExDP picks DS up from school 1-2 times per week if he can be bothered.

And now he has found someone to do it when he can't be bothered, at least its someone you used to like and know ?

Justleaveitblankthen · 26/11/2023 21:50

I would feel like she punched me in the stomach 😠
Imagine listening and lapping up as you confided in her.. and then very clearly starting a 'relationship' with him.
Utter betrayal.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 26/11/2023 21:50

Well she can do what she wants, but that would be unequivocally the end of the friendship for me.

WhatYouWearing · 26/11/2023 21:54

She's a twat. Hope it rains for a month. No more lifts. He'll just use her.

AnneElliott · 26/11/2023 22:07

Yes agree she is not your friend. Back off and don't give her any more lifts.

Dymaxion · 26/11/2023 22:12

She's a twat. Hope it rains for a month. No more lifts. He'll just use her.

I think sleet is forcast ?

Fannyannie · 26/11/2023 22:12

She is a horrible calculating bitch. Cut contact for your own sake. The kids can stay friends , just resist having her child back to your house.

This is not a coincidence. Sorry you are dealing with this. Do not offer help.

Tigertigertigertiger · 26/11/2023 22:15

I don't think it's a big deal

ZoChan · 26/11/2023 22:17

😉

gamerchick · 26/11/2023 22:18

Stop with the lifts. She'll drop you like a stone. Users usually do.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 26/11/2023 22:20

That would be the end of the friendship for me.

I'd be polite and civil, but no more lifts or chats.

It would feel like a kick in the stomach tbh

Codlingmoths · 26/11/2023 22:26

Stop the lifts. If asked why you just say calmly it’s a bit awkward for me. I just don’t hang out with anyone who’s that close to my ex really and after the conversations we have had I feel really uncomfortable now. Maybe he will give you a lift if he ever wants to have his children overnight and take them to school.
don’t add anything like I might look your ex up for a coffee date and snuggle though, that would be petty and childish 😁

CheekyHobson · 26/11/2023 22:29

Absolute cowbag, I’d be letting her walk rain, alley or snowstorm from now on.

Fummymummy · 26/11/2023 22:32

Playing a bit of devil's advocate but it may just be one of those things that she's genuinely interested in him, and that's fine, they are both single and you fall for who you fall for - even if she knows it's wrong in terms of your friendship, perhaps she genuinely believes she has a chance for happiness and I wouldn't begrudge anyone that. However, the very least she owes you is honesty, and if she's really your friend she would have told you straight away or maybe asked you if it would affect your friendship. Saying this as I've been in a sort of similar situation myself - a long time ago now but I fell for a friends ex (not a close friend, and I didn't meet him through her - but I knew who he was). They'd been split up for over 2 years, no children, she subsequently went off travelling. I pulled her aside and was honest with the friend and did tell her about it and given she was in a new relationship honestly thought she might be ok with it. Not so, she never spoke to me again. Fair enough. He is now my husband, together 10+ years and we have 2 children together so I can't say it wasn't the right thing for me - but I did at least have the honest conversation with the friend.

SMabbutt · 26/11/2023 22:33

Are you sure it isn't just that, because your ds and her dc are best friends, they ask to spend time together after school? It would be a bit hard to tell her dc no you can't go to the park with your friend because he's with his dad and his mum wouldn't like it. Same with them both being at a party. Why wouldn't your ex offer a lift? Even going for a play day at the weekend isn't odd behaviour for parents of children who are best friends.

I get you don't like your ex, and it may feel awkward given you've shared your difficulties with him with your friend, but I think it would be odd to expect the mum to avoid the dc spending time together because your ds is with his dad.

It would have been better if she mentioned it of course. Maybe she felt awkward given your feelings about your ex. But what would you have done if she said she and your ex took the kids to the park? Banned the kids from playing together unless they are at school or with you? Two parents facilitating their children's friendships shouldn't be an issue.

I do think your friendship with her needs to be altered because you obviously believe there is more going on, and definitely be cautious in what you share going forward, but please don't let this affect your dc spending time together. Just dial your friendship back to being pleasant because your dc are friends, as you would with any of the other mums. There doesn't need to be any great drama about it, just less openness on personal matters and keeping the emphasis on the children's friendship. They're the ones that matter.

WhatYouWearing · 26/11/2023 22:38

Codlingmoths · 26/11/2023 22:26

😂 or do add that last bit cos it would be funny as fuck 😂😂

funinthesun19 · 26/11/2023 22:41

Maybe they’re just doing these things for the sake of the dc spending some time together out of school? And at this moment in time maybe she doesn’t want to leave her dc with him because she doesn’t really know him? Perhaps she genuinely is just thinking of her dc having the opportunity to see her friend?

I admit it does all look a bit cozy from where we’re standing, but it might be more innocent than what you think. I think she can be in touch with both you and him if it means it benefits the kids. One of my good friends at school hates her ex, yet I have his number and he sometimes has my DS over for sleepovers. Why should my DS and his best friend miss out because DS’s friend’s parents don’t get along? I have absolutely no interest in him whatsoever.

LovedmyRaleighChopper · 26/11/2023 23:03

What an absolute cow.

Nicole1111 · 26/11/2023 23:27

The justification of this woman’s actions as the dc just want to spend time together is so weird to me. The dc spend time together regularly anyway as they’re at nursery and given that the op sees her friend and dc regularly it’s not as if the children don’t have the opportunity to be together unless it’s facilitated by this dad, who by the sounds of it puts in a part time performance at parenting at best.
Also find the they can be together if they want comments really weird. Of course they can but morally it’s pretty shite to begin a relationship and conceal it from the ex partner/friend but be fine to involve the dcs in these days out and activities with little thought for how awkward that might be for them, to be socialising with someone who their mum is friends within when their mum doesn’t know they’re spending time with them.
All either of them had to do was to disclose the friendship/relationship and then as shit as it is the op would have had to accept it and make a decision about whether she wanted to maintain a friendship. They didn’t though did they and I would question why, if this relationship is all appropriate and above board, either of them felt the need to keep it a secret and be shady about it.

catphone · 26/11/2023 23:52

shes dating your ex, father of your children?

melj1213 · 27/11/2023 00:51

Whilst I think it's a bit shitty of the friend to not have been up front with you about spending time with your ExDP after all you've told her about him, I don't see what they've actually done wrong?

How is We've become much closer, doing things with the DC and I've been giving them lifts to/from school when it's raining etc. as she doesn't drive any different from friend, ExDP and the two DC spent an evening together after school, going to various parks and then all went for food together ... then met up on a weekend and spent the day together at a farm. Today DS had a birthday party that ExDP took him to, and when he picked DS up from my parents' house, she was in the car with her DC.?

You have got close to her because your DC are friends - spending time together outside of school so your kids can play and hang out, and giving her lifts because she doesn't drive ... So why is it so terrible that she also spends time with your ExDP so your kids can play and hang out even if their dad picks them up and giving her lifts to events they are both going to because he knows she can't drive?

I get that you dislike your ExDP but unless you've also informed him every time you have spent any time with this parent in order to facilitate your DCs friendships then you can't really complain that he hasn't told you he's spending time with her.

I split with ExDH years ago, but whilst we moved away for Uni and then to work abroad for a few years we now live in the town we both grew up in, and a lot of the parents at our DDs schools have been people we went to school with. Additionally, as I have multiple siblings both older and younger and we all went to different schools for various boring reasons, the pool of people in my town between the ages of about 25- 45 that I know because I either went to school with them, know them socially as they were my peer group or they're a friend of/went to school with/did sports with one of my siblings is massive and if ExDH couldn't spend time with any of them due to their relationships with me then he'd be very lonely indeed. I have many friends that would fall into the "Good friend at school, drifted then reconnected at the school gates" category and I have never had any issue with any of them also spending time with ExDH so that our DC could spend time together.

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