How to stop shyness ruining my life?

[shyness232]

I’m in my early 40’s and very shy. I thought I would “grow” out of it but seriously when?!

It impacts my life massively, I haven’t progressed in work because I am terrified of speaking infront of people or going to work night out. I don’t have many friends. I married a cold unloving man. In my youth I was very attractive and did attract a lot of attention but my shyness really stopped me, I never had a boyfriend before DH. I feel really upset looking at old photos I had so much potential. But how can I be confident and overcome shyness when at 20’s I couldn’t? I am now 5.5 stones overweight, so how can I possibly have self-esteem now when I couldn’t then?

I don’t know how to stop it. I have really tried in the past. At age 28 went on my first and last work night out - got drunk as I was shy and completely made an idiot of myself. I wasn’t invited again.

Serious answer, could you afford to talk to a therapist working with CBT techniques to unravel your thinking around this. You’re blaming everything negative in your life on yourself - and this one specific aspect of you - when plenty of not shy people also have few friends, a crap husband etc.

How does the shyness manifest day to day? When do you feel most “comfortable” v most uncomfortable?

Thank you. It manifests day to day like when people talk to me and I respond I can feel other peoples eyes on me judging me. I feel most comfortable on my own or with my kids. Groups make me worse but one to one I’m fine. I just don’t know sometimes how to stand or how to relax my face or facial expressions

For me to break my shyness:

I had to act like I didn't care.

I couldn't tell myself I didn't care what people thought as I knew this was a lie.. but I could act it.

I did it more and more and I am now much less shy.

In certain group situations I still need to act.

Act it until it becomes you.

Yes it is exhausting, but it does help me.

I can feel other peoples eyes on me judging me

Those are some impressive super powers.

More likely though is that this is a narrative in your head rather than fact - and you're changing your behaviour in response to the story in your head.

Change the story in your head to be less brutal, you won't get so panicked, and interacting will be easier.

Would you consider cognitive behavioural therapy?

I was like you, and basically i got shoved out into the world and had to get on with it. Not saying it's the best approach for everyone, but it allowed me to go to college, move to another country, and move to another city when i finished college. One thing i would say is though, go easy on yourself. Take it all at your own pace. I realise that's talking at cross purposes! But personally, i would have stayed in my shell if i hadn't gotten the push (shove) out of it. You'd be amazed what you are capable of like.

It's definitely held me back too OP I am in my mid forties and I feel that I have failed to reach my full potential in many areas in my life due in part to my shyness.
This book has helped me: www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-2nd/dp/1472120434/ref=asc_df_1472120434/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310973726618&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3067759952399857271&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045877&hvtargid=pla-416959137050&psc=1&mcid=b1cfed893d8237da83d7b7fa3ec89ed4

Takes guts to reach out, OP. I was absolutely crippled by shyness for decades.

Psychotherapy helped me explore and understand my story, and CBT-style support gave me strategies navigating life more effectively. Over time I became more confident, came out of my shell, connected with things that interested me and got an opinion… much to my surprise!

Sounds like you’d like next year to be different? Time to start making some changes, discover the potential you suspect might be in there, deep down?

Don’t be hard on yourself OP - some of us are born sensitive. It takes time to grow, but it’s so worthwhile. Get support. Find your tribe - eg social anxiety group - and take it steady, baby steps etc. You’re worth it ❤️

Fake it til you make it.

Other people (generally) couldn't give two shits about most other people. They're all too wrapped up in themselves. If they do think about other people it's fleeting.

The more you step out of your comfort zone the easier it will be.