Did I do the right thing today?

[fedupfi23]

NC for this. Posted about my functioning alcoholic mother many times before. Always been a drinker but gotten much worse in recent years. Drinks daily after work, more so on weekends. I maybe have a 1 hour slot between her finishing work and starting drinking where I can talk to her, after that it's pointless. She's not a nasty drunk but she is irritating and behaves irrationally. She talks rubbish and doesn't remember things. I struggle to be around her.

Anyway today is dh birthday and we were going out for lunch. Invited her as I always do as she's on her own since losing my dad, and wouldn't have minded if she'd had a few glasses of wine with lunch as I guess that's 'normal' and expected from her. However she turned up to ours clearly drunk, staggering and slurring her words. This was at 11am so clearly been drinking in the morning. I lost my shit, told her she's meant to be out with her grandkids for Sunday lunch, why the need to drink beforehand? She replied she'd go home then and I didn't stop her. So she didn't come.

We went and all day I've felt guilty because she was dressed up and ready to go out. I could have stopped her from leaving and let her come even though I would have spent the meal irritated and on edge. She complains she's lonely and doesn't get out much yet when she gets the chance she does things like this.

The next step will be that we don't speak for a few days then she'll carry on like nothing happened. If questioned, her drinking is always because she's lonely or she's worried about something. But she won't ever seek help or do anything that might improve her life. She doesn't see that drinking is making everything worse. And because she holds down a job and pays her bills and keeps her house clean nobody really thinks it's that much of an issue. Including her it seems.

So I guess I'm wondering if I was unreasonable to not go after her and let her come with us today? I'm trying to be better with boundaries because I'm sick of her drinking and I also don't want my kids around it. But why do I feel so guilty about it?

I think you did the right thing. You put your children first.

It's only going to get worse unless she accepts she has a problem and seeks help.

Hopefully starting to see the consequences of her actions might help her to accept she has a problem - although it sounds like she is probably some way off.

💐Sounds really tough.

I really feel for you and you have been so good with tolerating this for so long, you clearly love your Mum very much, but you’re right and it’s now time to start putting those boundaries down.

Please don’t feel guilty, you did exactly the right thing, how could she have come to the meal in that state at 11am! … and neither should you or your family have to deal with that.

No. You weren't unreasonable.
Your children shouldn't have to have lunch with a drunk person and you shouldn't have to manage the anxiety that comes with waiting for the drink person to do something unreasonable.
Your husband shouldn't have to have someone drunk at his birthday lunch either.
I wouldn't be letting her get away with pretending that nothing has happened in a few days and would be making it clear that unless she seeks help, I would be significantly limiting contact.

I know that it is really not easy. I have been there.

Do not allow your children to be around someone who is drunk. It's a horrible example for them and it can also be very scary and unsettling.

Your mother is an alcoholic, and there's not a thing you can do about it. The only thing that might possibly get her to seek help is if she started facing consequences for her behaviour.

I am a relative that is the exact same as you OP. More times I've turnt up to lift them and they're drunk and I've told them to get out of my car and I've driven off to do whatever we had planned.

I'm a firm believer in natural consequences. It's tough when you feel guilty and believe me, I've felt guilty everytime too but I'm not listening to someone blabber on for hours on end clearly drunk.

Well done for sticking to your guns. Hopefully next time she will at least wait and drink to the evening when she's back home but I know in an ideal world she wouldn't drink at all.

Big big hugs from me.

I hope she did not drive to you and back.

You did nothing wrong. If no-one challenges the "normality" of her drinking she has no reason to try and stop. And your children do not need to absorb the "normality" of this.

Do not feel guilty.

Just as a side note. I did end up ringing the police on my relative as they didn't think they were drunk enough to be over the limit.

Drink driving is the most despicable thing to do in my book!

The police breathalysed them and that started a chain of getting social worker intervention and then help.

They also had to do community work. It was a hard thing to do at the time but it's been life changing for them.

You did the right thing. Perhaps try to talk to her about her drinking at another time, in the context of wanting to help her and what support she could put in place (AA, counselling, support group, quit lit).

You did absolutely the right thing. She's placing you in an impossible position by turning up drunk, although I'm sure that her genuine intention was to have one drink as it sounds from the above that you were going to accept her drinking moderately during the meal. Alcoholics can't have one drink. It isn't an option.

Does she have any desire to stop drinking? I'm speaking from a place of empathy for both of you and AA of 16 years behind me. I was your mother and my daughter could have been you ❤️.

No she didn't drive. Ironically we moved areas to be closer to her when my dad died thinking that having us nearer would be a help to her, and that seeing her grandkids regularly would be good for her. But as it turned out we hardly see her at all. Contact has naturally reduced because there are only very limited times I can go round or ring her without her being pissed. She has a victim mentality and doesn't seem to see that her behaviour has caused this.

I would have done exactly the same as you ,no way is it acceptable to have her around your children like that .
And how disrespectful to your husband on his birthday.
Don't backdown and keep firm boundaries she may think about making changes when she realises she will be excluded from future family occasions because of her disgusting behaviour.
You have nothing to feel guilty about , she does though.

You did the right thing. I have an alcoholic sibling and since the last birthday meal out where they were in the same state as your mother when they arrived and proceeded to drink throughout Sunday lunch I've refused to do it again.

I simply told them I found it embarrassing to be seen in public with them for a lunchtime meal when they were so pissed they were slurring and dropping food everywhere and I would never do it again.

It was for my DDad's birthday and I've told him and DM that I won't come out in public with my DH and kids again if the sibling is coming. Sibling did this at DMs birthday in the summer, and again at DDad's in October. I'm done with them. I won't be celebrating Christmas with them. They are a drunk and spoil things for others.

Yep she absolutely would have continued to drink more during the meal and would have ended up in even more of a mess. How is that pleasant or acceptable for anyone else to be around? I'm just so sad. Either way the day was ruined because even though she didn't come I've been feeling sad and guilty about it ever since.

She has no desire to stop drinking. No desire to get help with anything. She is allegedly worried about health issues and this is why she drinks but she won't consider seeing the doctor for that either. I don't think she is happy in her life but I also don't think she will ever take steps to change it.

You did the right thing but for the benefit of adhering to your boundaries in the future maybe communicate them really clearly to your mum during one of her good hours. Explain you love and support her and if/when she’s ready to get help you’ll be there, but you’re not going to allow her to present as under the influence in front of your children so if she turns up again like that she’ll be asked to leave. If you’ve communicated these expectations really clearly and she makes an active choice to present in that way then she’s been given every opportunity to make a different choice, even if it is hard to see her making the wrong one.

We don't really talk about it when she's sober. But she knows how I feel about it. When she's sober I'd say 80% of the time she's very negative and defeatist about life. Sometimes I can go round and she'll be in an alright mood but it's hit and miss..

I'm certain she's probably depressed but she isn't interested in getting any help. She had bereavement counselling after dad died and used to drink after the sessions because it was difficult for her. She was prescribed anti depressants and never took them, just chose to keep drinking instead. I honestly feel like I can't do a thing to help her unless she wants to help herself. And she doesn't.

You did the right thing OP.
Imagine if you'd put up with it during the lunch.

You absolutely cannot do anything to help her unless she wants to make changes and so it’s really important you protect yourself and your family as best you can. Set your boundaries, adhere to your boundaries, give what you can emotionally and practically and don’t feel any guilt for recognising your limitations, because in the long run you’re more use to her offering limited support consistently than burning yourself out and having to cut contact. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You can access al anon if you need more support.

Thank you I've been looking into al anon but there is nothing locally to me.

There are online Al Anon meetings and there's an 0800 helpline number too. I wish so much that your mother would consider joining us in AA. You don't have to believe in God (I don't). I also know that nobody can do anything at all until the alcoholic is ready to stop. Sending you a huge hug.

You absolutely did the right thing OP, well done.
If you want to talk to anyone call DrugFam - they're brilliant and will give good advice and strategies for dealing with an addict in the family.

Thank you for the replies. I'm feeling really down and anxious tonight. I have lots of other things going on and sometimes just feel like I need my mums support. But then I'm reminded that she's not the mother she once was.

Can I ask, how long has your dad been gone?

5 years. It was sudden and unexpected, a big tragedy for our family as he was so young and fit. And I understand that her drinking probably started from a place of grief. But her whole life she has used drinking as a crutch to get through difficult times. I remember it as far back as my childhood. It's just never been as prolonged and severe as it is now. Probably because my dad isn't here to keep her in check - they argued about her drinking a lot as he hated it too. It would break his heart if he could see how she is now and how little effort she puts in with the grandkids who he adored.