Who is in the wrong? Me for finding him ridiculous and laughing or her for constantly bowing down to his every need?

[LolaTheShowgirl]

I am taking my mum to the theatre as she begged me to take her to see this one show, so I said I would, and as she has little money, it will be my treat.

I was going through the dates the show is on with her and suggested a particular date which she isn't working and neither am I. It is one of the very few dates that our shifts don't clash.

So this one date she rejected because she said "My DH doesn't like to be left alone". I was like, WTF, how old is he?!?! He came over from abroad last year and is an arse. He does nothing for my mum but they're still together obviously.

So she wants to go on a date that he will be working so he won't have to suffer being left home alone. He refuses to come to the theatre because he finds it boring and he can't smoke in there.

I laughed at this not wanting to be left alone business and jokingly questioned it and she called me a bitch and really went off on one! I feel sorry that I laughed and said a few words (nothing nasty or cursing) about how a grown man is like that but really, an almost 40 yr old man doesn't like to be left alone for a few hours?

when my mum asked if I would go with her to see the show initially before any dates were arranged, the DH kicked up a right old fuss because he doesn't like her going out.

What makes me really mad is that he gets arsey about any time I spend alone with my mum and as a result, everytime I see my mother he is always with us and it has got to the point where if I ask my mum to come for a girly shopping spree with me, she won't without him and he puts me down all the time and constantly speaks over me even though i've asked him numerous times not to.

I invite him to most things but not having even a minute of time alone with my mum kills me inside. I probably will go on the date he is at work just to keep the peace, but is it unreasonable of me to be pissed off at this situation?

It seems that all she thinks about is him and his needs. It is like fuck the rest of us that were here long before him!

I know this probably seems petty for my to be moaning about such a trivial thing, but there have been many things regarding my mother and her DH and their attitude to my family that has troubled me. Oh, how it's good to get it all out!

Of course YANBU, she's trying to placate him and not being reasonable. But I think you are doing the right thing going on a night that she is happy with. At least you can honestly say you are doing your best to keep a relationship alive between you two.

It must hurt that she puts him first so much, and I guess you have tried to discuss this with her before.
He is obviously very insecure and jealous of your years with your mother before he came on the scene.
Maybe as time goes by he will become more settled and less demanding of your mother, and hopefully if you've kept the way open for a relationship between her and you, it will be better then.

YANBU. He sounds hideous and quite probably v controlling. It's important though that you don't let him alienate you from your mum.

Hi Lola, Sorry to hear this. Family crises are not good things to go through. I'm assumming this man is your step-father, and in my experience when this type of relationship goes wrong, it does so in a big way. I too have a step father. Now he's 74 and my mum's 64. he and I had a big fall out, and while the whole thing was complex the base line was that my mother listened to what was being said and failed to intervene. He spoke to me without respect, and basically used the situation to try to make me look like a fool. In the end it nearly finished me and my mums relationship. I told her I would never have a man speak to me like that. But it was hard for her too. She's caught in the middle of grown up kids and him. She has 3 kids who she loves, but got married for a second time 4 years ago and loves him. He is good to her, but I don't totally trust him. I find him a pain in the arse, a real burden on my mum.

When I walk into my mums house, he won't say hello or anything until I would say hello. He'd go and make himself a cup of tea without offering me one, or he'd ask me 'If you putting the kettle on, I'll have a coffee.'which is inerpreted as 'make me a coffee'. My sister and brother also think he's a wnker. Ignorant man.He even charged me £250 for 'helping me out' by cutting my lawn and servicing my lawn mower - £10 per hour! Friggin more than i earn. He makes me so so angry, as I'm sure you can tell!! Sorry, I'm meant to be helping you!

Have you spoken to your mum about this? You need to tell her how it's affecting your relationship with her. Is your mum bullied by him? Does he not trust her? It sounds to me (and I may be totally wrong here) that he is insecure, wants to control her and keep her all to himself. But that's not healthy for any realtionship.

Enjoy the show as best you can. Good luck with everything!

he sounds a real control freak to me...with a large dollop of insecurity on the side...
your mum will need you to be the adult i'm afraid cause they arent being very grown up

and if it gets you a night out with her having fun then i would do what you have done

Hi all, thanks for replying

Your stepfather sounds horrible too daisy. What a complete and utter w*nker!

I try to tell my mum when she is all over him and his family and treats her own (me and my aunties, my uncles and cousins) like shit but then she totally turns on me screaming in my face that I am being unreasonable.

It really pissed me off about the theatre though. We both could make Saturday night and that would be a great night to see it but because he is home and will be alone all night, it's really ridiculous so we have to go another night now that he will be working and that, tbh is going to be shit after I have worked all day. I will be doing what she asks though, just to keep the peace. It really is freaking stupid as he goes online for 3 hours every night to his mother while my mum has to sit alone watching the tv and as the show at the theatre is only on for 2 hours and he would usually be online all that time anyway, it is just stupid. I shouldn't really be suprised though, This is from the mother that sends his family (her IL's) hundreds of pounds every few weeks because 'they have nothing'. Well my mother is in debt and is barely able to provide for herself and this makes me mad too. See, she bends over backwards for his family and is any of us (her blood family) complain about it, we really get blown up at by her but then if we (her family) need anything, even the tiniest thing, she will refuse to do it.

I don't know if he is insecure at all but she NEVER goes out without him. For this one time she asked me and of course, i'd love to spend some alone time with my mum. I feel like i'm being awkward by being angry that she said we can only go on the night he is working so he won't be left alone, but I am sick of the world revolving around him.

I just wish I had the balls to say to her that she can stuff the theatre trip right up her arse because if she is going to put him first AGAIN, then I don't want to be the one who is on the sidelines whenever she wants something but I don't and I know as usual that I will give in to her so she and he will have their own way.

think you hit the nail on the head chick,its nothing to do with him not liking to be alone it cause he doesn,t like her to go out more like...another control freak if you ask me

Do you think herny? If he is, he is really subtle about it. Just like when my mum asked me to take her to the show on the car one day, he started moaning. Just before she asked me she had been out for a few hours one evening to see a show with her sister and he had said to her that how can she leave him etc etc. I once took her to a show in the city and we stayed in a hotel overnight. I asked him numerous times if he wanted to come before I booked but he declined each time and then when the time came he was complaining that we were leaving him.

I am starting to hate my mum. I know it is a strong word, but it is true. How she can just let me down like this but do anything for him or his family makes me really upset. Sometimes even suicidal if i'm honest.

I am tempted to tell her when she gets home what I really think (I have done a few times before and it's just resulted in a huge argument with her siding with him and sticking up for him) but I am so fed up. But then I think that it will bring no results, just another argument and me feeling rejected.

One time at around 3am my mum couldn't sleep so came into my room as she knew I was on the internet. I let her stay on my laptop while I got into bed til she felt sleepy again and was on for about 20 minutes when all of a sudden he just barged in to my room in the middle of the night! She told me the morning after that they hadn't spoke that night after they went to bed again as he was angry and was certain she was up chatting to men on the net. WTF?! She never does! She was actually playing some game online!

He also 'play fights' with her punching her, but when she calls out for him to stop and tells him that he is hurting her, he just continues. I challenged him a few days ago about it when he was doing it and he said aggresively to me 'Shut up, or I will hit you too'. My mum laughed at this

Just a few examples of why I am constantly angry with them both really. I ask my mum if she is really happy with him and she insists she is, so thats ok because its her life but it is not ok when she is affecting her own family.

Does anyone think I should tell her the night out is cancelled and the reasons why or should I just go along on the date she wants?

I wish I had the guts to show this thread to my mum but I don't. Maybe the day I move out, I will because then neither of them can get to me!

I think you have posted about him before. Aren't you moving soon?
Perhaps it would be a good thing to bite your tongue now to keep your relationship intact as its bound to be better when you move out and she may value your support more in the future.

You obviously want a close relationship with your mother but she's not being fair on you at all. She sounds as bad as he is to be honest. I think the way they want to treat each other is ridiculous but to then be threatened with physical violence and have your mum laugh at that is totally unacceptable. You are in a very difficult position because you live at home. If your mum continues to press the issue of a show then go along with her dates and try to keep out of any arguments in future. When you do move out I would try and keep contact to a minimum. It's simply not going to work until your mum realises she is damaging your relationship and SHE wants to do something about it. For now it's a battle you cannot win.

YANBU. If you are paying you have the right to choose the date that suits you best.

He sounds a real gem, still hopefully he is only in the marriage for a passport and will sod off soon .

Has your mum always kowtowed to men?

Is he a bit funny in the head not wanting to be left alone?

grin and bear it till you leave - then cut links with your mum and her husband...

it will hurt, but will save you later from suffering more!

take care.

You need to move out asap...then let them get on with it. Don't waste your time trying to figure it out or 'save her'- instead put your attention onto yourself and make sure you don't end up in a similar relationship. Put yourself first. If you don't, chances are you will always feels disappointed and second best. This is her problem (no matter what she says/how defensive she is- she will realise that she has a major problem) to sort out. She may never leave him and always put up with him crap- you need to come to terms with this. (very hard, I know) x

him=his

You're mum is either blind to what's happening or is intimidated by him.

It's hard for me to agree with the 'cut links' and to a degree I can understand the 'let them get on with it'. It's hard when you feel for your mum and appear genuinely concerned for her. She is being bullied by him and she needs to see that for herself. As for him threatening you - that's a threat which should not be ignored. It sounds like your home life is full of tension and is terribly unhappy. Your mum needs to have respect for herself. She may have a low self esteem by allowing herself to be controlled to this extent.

Yes even though my Step Father is a wnkr, he at least does look after my mum, allows her to have as many nights out as she wants, and he has his own interests and hobbies (he started to learn to fly at the age of 72!!!lol!!)

When you move out into your own place at least you'll experience an 'out of sight out of mind' situation. MAybe then you can speak to your mum but have the rules that you don't talk about her hubby - that it upsets you too much.

If all else fails you could always ask Jeremy Kyle to help sort it out

Best of luck!