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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be cross that DS' teacher didn't say one positive thing at parents evening?

30 replies

zisforzebra · 12/03/2008 23:19

DS (6) has been getting extra help and has been having some pretty intensive speech therapy at school since september. His speech has improved massively and he's tried so hard but that doesn't seem to have made an impression on his teacher, she just talked about how he was behind in reading, writing, spelling, number work etc and didn't say one positive thing.

The thing that's made me cross the most is that she said because he doesn't always do what he's told to first time they've started keeping their requests to him very simple! He's easily distracted but he's not stupid! He was asking DH if your soul is stored in your DNA yesterday so he's definately not stupid!!

Okay, so he's not progressing as fast as the rest of the class but he's never in any trouble and is a bloody lovely kid (I know I'm biased but everyone else says so too!) and it would have been encouraging to hear that recognised.

Sorry, just needed to have a good moan!

OP posts:

emkana · 12/03/2008 23:23

You're absolutely right to be upset, I really feel that teachers should make an effort to find something praiseworthy, and it sounds as if in your ds's case there's plenty to praise!

soapbox · 12/03/2008 23:23

Did you say to her that you were disappointed? I think it is important to articulate these things.

I would have said 'Thank you for your feedback Miss XXX, but I am feeling a little bit disappointed that you had not one positive piece of feedback about DS. I am wondering whether DS gets positive feedback from you, or are you as negative with him as you have been this evening?'

Deliver it with a huge smile and listen attentively to how she responds!

Heated · 12/03/2008 23:26

Would hope his written report would be more reflective and balanced.

milkgoddess · 12/03/2008 23:29

soapbox, thats a super response, mind if i nick that off you? you wise woman !

Original poster

zisforzebra · 12/03/2008 23:36

That's a good response soapbox! I'll remember that for next time I speak with her! (might be thinking more clearly then, this evening I was just trying not to burst into tears as she laid out his perceived failings )

OP posts:

TenaciousG · 12/03/2008 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsPontipine · 13/03/2008 00:10

Wow!! Just wanted to say I think your ds's question was blardy incredibly marvellous!!

Original poster

zisforzebra · 14/03/2008 20:19

Thanks TenG and Pontipine.

He's very keen on questions like that and I wonder if he's so busy thinking about stuff that he genuinly doesn't hear his teacher when she asks him things or when he's supposed to be practising his writing. If she'd asked him what your blood cells do he'd have been able to give her chapter and verse but unfortunatly that doesn't seem to be in the year 1 curriculum!

I've bought a book today about how to encourage your child and to help them get the most out of school. We've always been very free with praise and encouragement but now I feel like we need to double our efforts to make up for what he might not be getting at school.

OP posts:

Alambil · 14/03/2008 20:27

zisforzebra, my DS is in Reception and recently had his second parents evening.

It was horrendous - I cried for 48 hours afterwards because it was so bad.

She started with "I am deeply concerned" which didn't bode well and then had a 20 min non-stop barrage of negativity aimed at me and DS's "failings" (things like not getting changed quickly for PE and poor hand control - that has improved since last PE night)

There was plenty to say in praise, IMO - his reading is superb (on track if not slightly ahead) yet she didn't say ONE nice thing - just heaps and heaps of crap about how awful he was doing and how if he didn't change soon, he's going to fail in his school career.

The child is 5 - there's no telling what he'll be like academically later on in school!!! I was SO SO angry so can totally sympathise with you.

I hope you have more guts than me and can tell her how she made you feel... I am gutless and chickened out

Scotia · 14/03/2008 20:40

YANBU.

Great advice from Soapbox too - I will keep that one under my hat for future reference - I'm sure I'm going to need it!

Niecie · 14/03/2008 20:40

zisforzebra - even if the teacher is talking to you about your DS in a negative it might be that she is trying a bit harder with him. She was being honest with you (too honest maybe) but that doesn't mean to say that on a day to day basis she isn't praising him. I hope not anyway.

I had something similar with my DS last term. He has a few mild sn as well and I don't think his teacher managed to say a single positive thing either. She doesn't seem to understand him at all - I thought we were talking about a different boy. However, they get merits at school for good work and when you get enough you get a certificate and he still seems to be getting those so it can't be all bad for him at school.

Problem is that I am now feeling very defensive about her attitude and I am already planning my questions in response to the next barrage of negativity at our next parents' evening on Tuesday. I may well borrow Soapbox's response too (if she doesn't mind please)

whirly · 14/03/2008 22:18

Oh dear!
If your DS has Speech and Language difficulties, it will of course have had repercussions for his literacy and numeracy learning. And his concentration. Unfortunately not all teachers are knowledgeable / interested in Special Needs and looking at an individual child's own progress. Too concerned about what they'll score in the SAT's and how that will reflect on them / the school.
Does he go to one of those schools where nearly 100% get level 4 or above in Y6? Or is the teacher quite inexperienced?
I hope she doesn't make your DS feel like he's not making progress, or is not good enough....

BroccoliSpears · 14/03/2008 22:26

Am very happy for your ds that he has a mum who knows that he is doing well despite what the teacher said.

My mum went to a parents' evening when I was a bit older than your son, and got nothing but negative feedback from the teacher. Instead of thinking for a moment about what she knew about her daughter, she was cross and disappointed and embarassed and absolutely bollocked me for not trying hard enough. She was furious with me. I was gobsmacked - I'd been working hard and trying my best all term. I knew the teacher didn't like me, but I never thought he'd turn my mum!

Bloody well done you for having confidence and faith in your ds.

rantinghousewife · 14/03/2008 22:34

I think I actually would ask for a meeting with this teacher and do the Soapbox routine, obviously not agressively, exactly in the way SB describes. She probably doesn't realise she is being so negative, perhaps it will make her think.
Whirly, it is widely acknowledged that children who have speech therapy tend to end up with an advanced reading age due to the speech therapy. My ds had speech therapy in reception and as a result (because of the blended phonics) he was an advanced reader by yr 2. So I don't think the speech and language thing is necessarily a bad thing.

musicgirl · 15/03/2008 18:44

zisforzebra - your son sounds like my brother was at his age. He won the dux of his primary and high school, got put in a gifted program, got a degree and a masters and is now doing very well in one of the best companies in the world. Your DS is obviously a deep thinker and will probably go further in life than his teacher ever will. So don't let her negativity get you down.

ladette · 15/03/2008 18:51

Every child has things that they need to develop. And they all have some thinga worthy of praise. I can't believe that some teachers don't get this. When you go home after parents' evening, it's so helpful to be able to say "you have to work on x, y and z but the teacher said you were absolutely great at a, b, & c", makes all the difference IME. It does make you wonder whether she is giving him positive feedback in school, zisforzebra, and I agree with soapbox. Perhaps try to have another meeting with her, and say having thought about parents' evening, you were wondering (what soapbox said)

mystified76 · 17/03/2008 08:59

This thread has made me so cross, i'm a primary teacher and i can't believe that someone else in my profession would be so negative...i think i must be the polar oppposite because i find it really difficult to say negative things to parents at parents evenings... as a general rule when i'm meeting parents etc i would try to say 5 positive things to 1 negative if there was anything negative to say that is. I find it shocking that she didn't say one positive thing..i'm sorry you have had this experience, but definitely say someting to the teacher about it as she needs to amend her own practice.

constancereader · 17/03/2008 09:06

I agree with mystified76. Do talk to the teacher. She certainly needs to think about how she deals with such situations in the future.

Best of luck with your ds, he sounds lovely with a very enquiring mind.

Original poster

zisforzebra · 20/03/2008 22:53

Thanks everyone, glad I'm not just being an overprotective super touchy mum.

We'll have another parents evening before the end of summer term so I'm going to be practising Soapbox's idea just incase we have a repeat of the last one!

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 20/03/2008 22:56

has she not heard of sanswhich effect!good then bad then good! im pissed but i remember that.

cheesesarnie · 20/03/2008 22:56

sandwhich

Heated · 20/03/2008 22:57

Also take a pen and paper and write down what she says. It makes me form my word with more care if I know I'm going to be quoted!

givemeloadsofchoccy · 21/03/2008 10:00

Hi I had the same experience with my sons Parents evening nothing positive, just the fact he needed extra help he don't sit still and other negitive things the only thing she said was he is a nice child in class and he enjoy's coming school. She don't seem to have confidence talking to parents anyway even tho she's about 50!!!

Nighbynight · 21/03/2008 10:09

The last parents evening here in Germany was so depressing that I dont want to go to any more. Just non stop gloom from all my childrens teachers.

ernest · 21/03/2008 10:35

I also had similar, but with a report written especially as a reference for a new school. It wasn't to inform me on his progress at all, but to give an overview to a prospective new school and it also didn't say one positive thing. The 1st paragraph had 3 sentences and 8 negative statments about him.

Not 1 postivie thing, despite being eg a great reader, top at maths, and imo generally a fantastic boy. I was furious. What did she have to gain? She could have prevented him getting a place in the school writing something like that. Yet I'd spoken to her just the week before and asked how he was getting on and she said fine.

I told her I was angry and disppointed and she re wrote it, but I've felt really cross with her ever since, it's really soured my relationship with the school, and I'm so glad my son is leaving.

I totally empathise and recommend a 2nd meeting as you've suggested. If we don't look out for our kids who will?

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