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AIBU?

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Original poster

Porn

24 replies

Theaviator · 25/11/2023 22:48

Been with partner 10 years and in this 10 years I’ve found porn on his phone sooo many times. He either lies or says he put it on but he didn’t do anything to it which is ridiculous considering i wasn’t born yesterday. It’s not porn that’s the issue, it’s the lying. We’ve had a few problems with his lying and he’s still lying about something so small. I’ve said to watch it together and he said no it isn’t even an option as he doesn’t even watch it but he does. Now I’m thinking I distrust him even more because what else can he lie about? Is this a situation where i just have to deal with the fact he’s gonna do it and hide it and basically get over it. Again it isn’t the porn that’s the issue, it’s the fact he lies to me about it even when I’ve seen it in black and white…

aibu to be pretty annoyed ?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2023 22:50

Why are you searching through his phone?

Whiteday · 25/11/2023 22:50

He's a liar, can you live with that?

If not, leave.

I couldn't live with a liar!

hotcandle · 25/11/2023 22:50

Why are you going through his search history? We are all allowed privacy online. He obviously doesn't want you knowing he watches it so if it isn't a problem, don't mention it.

You're not the porn police. Leave the man alone!

MarleyandMarleyWoo · 25/11/2023 22:51

You can say it’s the lying and not the porn that’s the issue but that’s not really true is it? You’re repeatedly looking through his phone and confronting him about what you find.. that’s very controlling behaviour, especially when combined with your strange offer of allowing watching it together but it’s unacceptable if he watches it alone.

Flickersy · 25/11/2023 22:54

If you have an issue with the porn, that's your boundary and you need to leave.

If you don't have an issue with the porn, it shouldn't matter that he's watching it and you shouldn't be interrogating him or going through his phone.

He's allowed privacy.

ScattieHattie1 · 26/11/2023 02:15

Your bigger issue than porn is you searching through his phone.

VioletPickles · 26/11/2023 02:21

This is why I’d never check my dps phone. I don’t know what I’d find. No good can come of this. I hate the idea of my partner watching porn. And that’s ok. You don’t have to like or even say it’s about the lying. You can hate both.

Are you able to have a chat with him about how him having it on his phone makes you feel?

Original poster
Theaviator · 26/11/2023 08:15

He has an iPhone which is linked to one of the kids iPads (my iPhone is linked to the other) so it isn’t a case of looking through it, I was using it while my phone was charging and that’s how I saw it (looking for Xmas presents for him then deleting it from the history so he didn’t see)

OP posts:
BrieEncounter · 26/11/2023 08:30

I'm trying to work out what the right thing for him to do in this scenario is...

If you're ok with porn but not the lying then should he nip in the kitchen and tell you he's going upstairs for a wank over the iPad everytime he wants to watch it? Or when you confront him do you want him to nod eagerly and say yes, he watched some the other night, it was great?

I think if you accept he watches porn and are ok with it then by its very nature it's a private solo thing and he should be left alone about it

I suspect that you're actually not ok with it though and that's the problem?

C1N1C · 26/11/2023 08:51

Unlink the phone from the ipad or set up different privacy options. Of course you don't want kids having a chance of seeing that.

As for the porn itself, he clearly doesn't want you knowing about it. It's private. I'd lie too. If you were looking watching porn, would you want to make him feel insecure? Would you want him to feel that you're settling? He's probably feeling the same for you. It's very rare that a partner would want to watch porn with a partner either.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 26/11/2023 08:53

Theaviator · 26/11/2023 08:15

He has an iPhone which is linked to one of the kids iPads (my iPhone is linked to the other) so it isn’t a case of looking through it, I was using it while my phone was charging and that’s how I saw it (looking for Xmas presents for him then deleting it from the history so he didn’t see)

I find this rather hard to believe

Cloudysky81 · 26/11/2023 09:14

I'm more concerned he doesn't know how to hide his search history.

TheClitterati · 26/11/2023 09:38

So your kids can access his porn on the iPad?

I'm pretty sure that is illegal & child abuse.

FlamingoFlamboyance · 26/11/2023 09:42

Your thread should be more about the fact you found it on your kids iPad!!

applesandmares · 26/11/2023 09:55

BrieEncounter · 26/11/2023 08:30

I'm trying to work out what the right thing for him to do in this scenario is...

If you're ok with porn but not the lying then should he nip in the kitchen and tell you he's going upstairs for a wank over the iPad everytime he wants to watch it? Or when you confront him do you want him to nod eagerly and say yes, he watched some the other night, it was great?

I think if you accept he watches porn and are ok with it then by its very nature it's a private solo thing and he should be left alone about it

I suspect that you're actually not ok with it though and that's the problem?

I completely agree with this. You say you're ok with it, but he might feel like you're being insincere if you confront him about it whenever you find it.

I'm ok with my partner watching porn, if I came across it (which I don't because I don't think it's typical to be on your partners search history/devices often) then it isn't something I would even mention to him, it's private. If I did mention it to him and he lied, I would assume it was because he was embarrassed about being confronted by something quite intimate. I wouldn't then assume he was lying about anything else!

MeinKraft · 26/11/2023 09:58

Oh you need to stop looking through his phone. Either accept that he watches porn, or leave. But you're setting yourself up for a life of misery starting arguments about it, presumably telling him he's not allowed to watch it? Then he goes and does it anyway.

I would say to him though that he needs to start watching it using private mode so that the kids can't come across it when they're using his phone.

BrieEncounter · 26/11/2023 11:17

If I understand it, he's not using the kids iPads but as the devices are linked, by looking at the search history on the iPad, you can also view the search history on linked devices I.e his phone.

So yes, he needs to set up private browsing on his phone or unlink it from the iPads

Ollifer · 26/11/2023 12:03

Theaviator · 26/11/2023 08:15

He has an iPhone which is linked to one of the kids iPads (my iPhone is linked to the other) so it isn’t a case of looking through it, I was using it while my phone was charging and that’s how I saw it (looking for Xmas presents for him then deleting it from the history so he didn’t see)

I love these excuses people give for searching a persons history 🤣🤣 op he clearly watches porn, you're either okay with it or you're not, he's obviously embarrassed and thinks you're going to be annoyed.

Mischance · 26/11/2023 12:05

Bloody porn! What a scourge it is on happy relationships. The idea of being with a man who supports this exploitation of women and then - worse still - lies about it is not great. Does he think you were born yesterday?

jeaux90 · 26/11/2023 12:07

Mischance · 26/11/2023 12:05

Bloody porn! What a scourge it is on happy relationships. The idea of being with a man who supports this exploitation of women and then - worse still - lies about it is not great. Does he think you were born yesterday?

This. I would not be with this man.

JennyBee12 · 28/11/2023 15:26

I've been in a similar situation. Like you I found out accidentally as it was on his iPad which I would often use too. So it wasn't about sneaking or anything. He had it open on an incognito tab but forgot to close it. I felt so upset by it. We had never discussed our boundaries around porn prior to this so it was the first time that it was an issue (and we've been together since we were 15). I told him my feelings about it and I asked him how he would feel if I'd been looking at men in that way to which he said he would hate it. He promised he wouldn't do it again and I have complete faith that he hasn't because I know that he loves and values our relationship above anything else. It's not a control thing, it's a boundary issue. If he's in a relationship with me, it's just us. Looking at the bigger picture though, at the time we had two small kids and our sex life wasn't getting the attention it deserved so i can completely see why it happened and we both made the effort to focus more on that side of our relationship. Fast forward a few years and we have no issues. Please talk to your partner and let him know your feelings.

SwingTheMonkey · 28/11/2023 15:38

If, as a couple, you’re fine with watching porn, you have absolutely no right to demand he tell you anything. You also don’t have the right to insist you only watch together. He clearly likes a solo encounter whilst watching porn and wants to keep it private.

It’s absolutely none of your business.

BTW… your excuse of finding it on a linked iPad you just happened to be using, then deleting the history, is bullshit.

ManateeFair · 28/11/2023 15:49

YWNBU to feel that you can't be with a man who watches porn. If that's a dealbreaker for you, then so be it. I know lots of women who would feel that way and that's fine; that's their boundary.

YABVU to claim that the porn isn't the problem, while also going through his phone and then interrogating him about it. If you don't have a problem with porn, why would you say anything about it at all? He's clearly embarrassed, maybe a bit humiliated, and you're invading his privacy over something you claim to have no problem with.

I appreciate that you say you would happily watch it with him, but he's obviously not comfortable with that - which is fair enough. Not everyone wants to share every private fantasy and every part of their sexuality with their partner; we all have a right to an inner life and to private sexual thoughts.

You say that you don't understand why he'd lie about something so insignificant. But if it is so insignificant, why you would you keep going on at him about it? Why wouldn't you just accept that it's not something he's comfortable talking about?

Either a) you actually ARE bothered about him watching porn or b) you're just starting arguments for no reason.

ManateeFair · 28/11/2023 15:50

JennyBee12 · 28/11/2023 15:26

I've been in a similar situation. Like you I found out accidentally as it was on his iPad which I would often use too. So it wasn't about sneaking or anything. He had it open on an incognito tab but forgot to close it. I felt so upset by it. We had never discussed our boundaries around porn prior to this so it was the first time that it was an issue (and we've been together since we were 15). I told him my feelings about it and I asked him how he would feel if I'd been looking at men in that way to which he said he would hate it. He promised he wouldn't do it again and I have complete faith that he hasn't because I know that he loves and values our relationship above anything else. It's not a control thing, it's a boundary issue. If he's in a relationship with me, it's just us. Looking at the bigger picture though, at the time we had two small kids and our sex life wasn't getting the attention it deserved so i can completely see why it happened and we both made the effort to focus more on that side of our relationship. Fast forward a few years and we have no issues. Please talk to your partner and let him know your feelings.

But the OP says she doesn't mind him watching porn? Her situation is very different to yours.

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