Growing resentful of being in the same position

[Smmdc]

Met my other half through work almost 8 years ago, we were friends for 2 years and then finally got together. A few months later he was let go from work due to ongoing issues with hitting productivity. No big deal I thought, he'd been there for 2 years.

In the 5 years since he's had 10-15 jobs (could be more I've lost count at this point) and either he's treated unfairly and let go, he's unlucky and let go or he just doesn't make an effort and is let go.

I went part time before we got together as I was also studying part time and we moved in together a couple of years ago, immediately after which he lost his job and covid hit. It was a rough few months as I also fell pregnant towards the end of the year. We've managed to make it through but every time things look up and he gets a decent job again something happens and we're back in the same position.

I can see how much it gets him down but at the same time I know he doesn't always help himself and he can't just be constantly unlucky. He's not afraid of speaking up about things and I've tried to tell him sometimes just bite your tongue especially when you're new as you're the easiest to get rid of.

By contrast I've had 2 jobs in my life and I've been at the current one for 8 years so it's just fundamentally a lifestyle I can't empathise with. I'm in a position to apply for a full time promotion at work and I'm looking forward to it but he's just found out that his current temp job has no hope of going permanent and will be over after Christmas.

I'm now feeling less excited about this full time position as I thought we'd finally have some extra cash but it looks like I'll be picking up his slack again.

To make it worse he just broods rather than talking about it and puts me in a bad mood like it's my fault he can't get his shit together and sort his life out at his big age. Plus his friends all have well paid, stable jobs and he compares himself to that all the time.

I'm starting to get really resentful as I'm fed up of constantly stressing and having to pick up his financial slack while dealing with the brunt of his moods.

I don't know what to do from here.

AIBU? Should I be more supportive or sympathetic? How can I help?

Will he have an honest and open conversation about this with you? Otherwise it might be worth investing in some sort of coach, because something is wrong. Sometimes you have a bad run of luck, but 10-15 jobs in 5 years is more than that. From what I can see he either

• is incompetent
• has poor social skills
• or a combination of the above

Does he have any learning difficulties? Is he possibly NT?

If he can't be honest about why he is let go, or doesn't understand then I really don't know what to suggest.

🚨 COCKLODGER ALERT 🚨

He is a father. He needs to step up and take responsibility for the human he has created. Like you are doing. Life isn't about him and what he wants or likes or doesn't like anymore. He has to suck it up, keep his head down, STFU, and keep a bloody job.

If he can't do that, you need to leave him (and I completely empathise, I had to have a very stern convo with DH a couple of years ago when he fell into a similar but less extreme rut where he was failing at being self-employed. The chat worked, he pulled his socks up and got a job and as a result the kids can go to soft play whenever they want and I only have gasp a little bit at the price of clothes for them rather than not buy them at all).

Does he have any learning difficulties? Is he possibly NT?
Yes, I suspect he is completely NeuroTypical. Sorry OP.

If he's lost that many jobs I think it's unlikely he's being treated unfairly or is unlucky, that would be extremely bad luck! I think he probably needs to look a bit closer to home and take some ownership of his situation.

What's his attitude when it happens op? Oh I'm a victim, find me a blanket of doom whilst I sit on the couch for a month but pls, don't expect me to pick up any housework because I'm so hard day me to. Or fuck it, in job centre next day, trying his best, picking up extra slack at home because you're working and he's not?

He's obviously doing something well to be recruited so often. If the current job merely doesn't have capacity to keep him on (aka it's not a HIM issue) is there anyone there he could talk to informally for some advice?

If he’s lost that many jobs, it’s not coincidence, or being ‘badly treated’ or ‘unlucky’. I’d end the relationship, take the FT position, and stop picking up his slack.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale he's more than competent, he has good social skills and above average intelligence. His problems are mostly:

1. He can be quite confrontational, whether he means to be or not his tone of voice needs work. And as a result he can clash with people a lot.

1. Lack of drive. He has drive when he feels good about something but if he doesn't enjoy something or doesn't find it a challenge he just checks out mentally which is where problems arise.

1. Lack of self discipline. In a few of his work places he's been let go for taking too many sick days or having too much time off or been late too much. Often relating to when he doesn't feel fulfilled in a role. But as an adult you just have to get on with it.

Sometimes i feel like he mentally stopped developing as a teenage boy. He has great leadership qualities, he's very charismatic and likeable - he thrives in a physical or a sales job. But he also has some quite narcissistic tendencies, he lives in a fantasy world where he's always right and everything is a problem because of other people, never himself.

We've had a lot of conversations around it and each time it ends with him deciding he's going to sort himself out and do something worthwhile with his life. But then changes nothing.

His problem is he's never happy working for someone else, but doesn't have the funds or the self discipline to start up something for himself.

Obviously there have been some times where its been unfair to him and I get that, and other times where he's had to take the first job he could as we needed money which turned out to be nothing like what was advertised but as a father you have a family to look out for and if you don't like a job you just have to stick it out.

Sorry, the average person doesn’t have that many jobs in five years. That means he’s averaging six months per job. Ie. The probation period.

i’d be seriously questioning my future with him. Why can’t he hold down a job? Why is he quitting? Not making the mark etc? Also, why isn’t he applying for permanent jobs?

After reading your second post OP, I'd end this relationship. This is not going to change. The problem is his attitude.

@SleepingStandingUp he mopes for a day or 2 but then he gets back on the search. Although he definitely doesn't pick up slack at home when he's off. As I'm part time he seems to think it's my responsibility but also is under the impression he does everything around the house because he cooks most of the dinners and washes the sheets. I do all the parenting responsibilities, plus my job plus studying and I refuse to be that woman who picks up after him like a child but I do have ADHD and I struggle with the chores/can be quite messy at home although I am the one who does pretty much all of the cleaning, it's just somewhat chaotic.

@Riverlee he usually goes for whatever has an immediate start which is often temp agency work in warehouses. At the moment it's Christmas temp work so I know this time isn't his fault, but he's always under the impression that he'll be able to go permanent after. He rushes to find a job as soon as possible so falls into the wrong thing a lot.

Due to him earning more than me when he is working he pays for the rent and I cover the bills/shopping/everything else if we're being honest, so when he does find himself out of work there's that worry of being able to keep a roof over our heads as I don't have the income to subsidise what he pays. He's always under the impression he'll have a job in a week when from experience he should know he ends up being out for work for a month waiting to hear back from interviews and for start dates, hence the temp roles with immediate starts but short contracts.

When he’s in a temporary job, surely he should be applying for a more permanent role during that time, and not hoping that the temporary job turns into something more permanent. Ie. Be more proactive. He seems to have a very laissez-faire attitude. He seems to be drifting through life, whilst you seem to be taking all the responsibilty.

Sounds like he is in a cycle of having to rush into crap jobs with no prospects. He needs time to find a different line of work, but has to keep a roof over your heads so is stuck in this rut. Those type of jobs tend to treat you like shit too.

I have sympathy for him too, he needs a stroke of right place, right time luck. Maybe if you dump him he could move back in with his parents and retrain or something. He may be happier once he can sort this predicament out.