DH apologising to children

[Nexttimewillprobablybethesame]

DH does not like reprimanding his children.
When he is "forced" to be an adult and pull someone up over something (could be anything, big, small, e.g. coming home late, banging doors, waking younger siblings), he does so begrudgingly, making it clear his arm has been forced.
Subsequently, we have a house of sulkers and hunger strikers who refuse to play nice and interact until DH has taken the first efforts to break the ice and soften them up.
I find it infuriating. I have mentioned it multiple times in the past, but I'm told that I'm always so negative and have nothing nice to say.
In my head I'm beginning to check out of all things related to behaviour and common decency.
His way of dealing with bad behaviour/attitudes is very much making them cunning, manipulators who have DH wrapped around their fingers.
AIBU to think that after a child/teenager has been reprimanded, they should be the ones to apologise, not DH?

I think it depends.

What you say does sound frustrating, but could it be that you are extremely harsh, and he feels the need to compensate for that.

Does he feel that you go to town on them whilst reprimanding?

Are they your children too?

Hard to say. It’s a blended family with a large age gap between oldest and youngest, I assume? Are his older DC living with you full time?

You clearly have different parenting styles. I’d also say it’s very different parenting a teenager to a toddler, in terms of how you enforce rules- there does need to be much more of an element of cooperation and compromise. Forcing apologies from
anyone is not ideal.

There's not much to go on here, it's all very vague.

How old are the children? What kind of things are they being "reprimanded" for and is he only doing that because he feels forced into it by you?

They are our children, as in, we are the parents.
If I have an issue with anything, I say, then move on, e.g. Arthur, your sister has just tripped over the shoes you left in the middle of the floor, it would be helpful if you tidied them away. All done, move on, bigger fish to fry.
DH will ignore, ignore, ignore, ask nicely, ask nicely again, then lose his shit. Tears, sulks, slammed bedroom doors. Then DH feeling bad. The DH apologising. Then they continue to do the same thing they were pulled up on originally.

An apology draws a line under a situation and allows all involved to take responsibility and move forward. I wouldn't force an apology out of a child/teenager of any age. I'd probably expect one though, and if not forthcoming, a further conversation about expectations.

That is quite pathetic.
Haven't you caught the ick for him yet?

Why are you with someone who regularly loses his shit over pretty minor incidents?

Well, yeah, that does sound shit.

Is your DH aware his interactions aren’t the best way to deal with it? Because it’s something he can work on with awareness and a desire to change - it’s probably rooted in his own childhood and experience of being parented and might need some help unpicking it, with therapy or counselling. But if he doesn’t think there’s a problem that’s more of a problem.

How tedious he sounds.

No wonder you are checking out and probably getting the Ick.

Hard to have any respect for someone so wet and so shit at parenting.

Sounds like a very stressful, unpleasant environment.

If he is losing his shit then it’s good to apologise. I apologise if I say or do something wrong and I would definitely count that in the category of ‘losing your shit’. So well done to him for saying sorry, it models good behaviour, however you’re 100% correct that the run up that happening is wrong and it shouldn’t get to the point where he is getting so angry at all.

Have you talked to him?

Ignore the ridiculous suggestions you should leave your dh because of this, honestly wtf. And no helpful advice along with it. Sounds frustrating Op. Is there a chance you could sit down with dh alone and discuss this?

You're being serious? Kids/teenagers repeatedly do something they've been asked not to, DH eventually loses his shit with them because he's sick and tired of asking and being ignored, and you think he should be the one to apologise? I think it shows a complete lack of respect on the part of his children. And its no wonder they have zero respect for him, as he evidently agrees with you and is making a rod for his own back.

Um…. If they’re leaving things around and repeated behaviours they’ve been warned about then it sounds like they ignore you too. You’ve got kids who haven’t learned to listen and follow rules. That’s both your faults.

I've only been pottering around mumsnet this weekend as I'm in hospital after an op and DH is holding down the fort at home. Obviously, too much time on my hands.
I'm actually shocked that on pretty much every thread here, where people are interested in an alternative perspective, there is repeated advise to divorce. Wtf?
If the answer to everyone's problems is to divorce, it's no wonder there are so many stepmums/dads fumbling around and trying to iron out the fuck ups of previous relationships.

Not really, they listen to me, I'm not the one who has to repeat themselves on a daily basis. I'm not the one they get negative attention from. Too old and too tired for that shit. I give credit where it's deserved.

Weird choice of language. "His children" and "our children as in we are the partners". Are they biologically yours? Still not clear.

That sounds very frustrating, but my dh is the opposite which is worse imo, he nags the dc over every little thing and is far too quick to reprimand them.

DH has 3, I have 2, we have 1, they are all "ours", as we are the parents and they all live with us both, full time.
While they are all "ours", his are the ones he feels he has to apologise to. Mine, including our youngest, have no respect issues with myself or DH. DH children have no issue with respect for me. It's the dynamic between himself and his own children that is the problem.

But I assume that, at some point, you’ve told them not to leave their shoes out. They still leave their shoes out. So they have to be told every time. Which means they don’t listen to you.

Not really. It's normal to have to remind children about that kind of thing. As long as they move them when reminded it's fine. Hopefully as time goes on they'll remember more often

Regularly ‘losing your shit’ isn’t normal. So yeah, I think he should be apologising. But there are different ways of apologising and he should be apologising for screaming at them, not for asking them to do something they should already be doing. I apologise to my children if I lose my shit because I don’t think it’s an acceptable way of dealing with anyone, no matter their age. It shows a loss of control. Your DH has a problem with his parenting, it’s not him apologising that is the issue here. Apologising for ‘losing your shit’ is a mature thing to do which models good behaviour. The run up to that point and the screaming are not good. That’s where your issue is, you’re focusing on the wrong thing here.

The issue isn't him apologising. He's losing his shit at them. He should be apologising. Surely the issue is he's losing his shit at them??

Teenagers often need repeating at.

It is tedious.

Getting deeply irritated is a hazard too.

I suppose it really depends what loosing your shit means?

It is very open to interpretation on MN.

Me loosing my shit was turning off the wifi and locking the door where the box was.

Funny how quickly stuff gets done when there isn't wifi available.

I certainly never apologised for it, but have on other occasions if I felt I was in the wrong.

But apologising for being pissed off that I been repeatedly ignored?
Nope.

6 children is a very full house especially if you have 3 teens that are seriously lazy and generally hard work.

You have my sympathy because it reads as very stressful, for your 3, especially if he is not open to improving things.

He's right to apologise for "losing his shit" with them. It's not necessary or acceptable behaviour, especially for an adult. What he needs to do is work on making himself heard before it gets to that point, and you need to be backing him up, not running him down.