SS and my good friend - WWYD?

[Nc09818]

More a WWYD than an AIBU really -

I have a good friend, let's call her Jane.

We have very very different lives but bonded over a mutual hobby a few years ago.

Jane has had quite a few referrals to SS. I have known her through a few. She has a substance misuse problem and last referral had a 'safety plan' put in place at some sort of meeting (not sure what that actually means) but she recently told me she isn't following it at all and is worried about SS finding out.

I am unsure what to do now I know that bit of information and am quite conflicted. I love Jane and value our friendship but feel uneasy now.

WWYD?

If there are children being put at risk, then they come before any sense of obligation you feel towards their mother - that's a no-brainer.

It all depends if there are children at risk. In your eyes do you feel worried for them?

How old are the children?

Echoing above, she's telling you she's putting her dc at risk.

Imagine these were your children that she was meant to be looking after.

What would you want someone to do to protect your children?

The children are under 5. I don't feel worried about them or think they are at immediate risk, I know she cares for them and they are happy but she makes bad choices and isn't listening to advice. I think what stresses me is that in my world if SS were to tell you not to do something, you just don't do it - you follow advice and stick to it.

What was it SS told her to do that she isn't doing?

I'd just leave it for SS to take action if they feel it's appropriate. They'll presumably have some sort of follow-up and a method to check whether their plan is being followed, otherwise it's pointless them having agreed one.

What are the bad choices she is making ? And what advice is she not listening to ?

Support your friend as long as she is taking good care of her dc and the 'issues' don't overtake their care Plenty of 'substance' abusers do manage to raise good kids/adults with or without SS intervention.

I'm not one myself but I've known and know a few such parents, some are very close friends after decades.

Depends on the substance she's abusing before considering what further remedies/actions to take.

A safety plan would be things like keeping needles, substances etc out of children’s reach. Who she would contact if she was struggling. Maybe services she should be engaging in. It is specific to the situation that they were previously involved for.
It maybe that the risk to the children wouldn’t be immediately seen if the plan isn’t being followed but by not following it the risks to the children increase (they could be injured by drugs, something might happen to Mum and the people around her wouldn’t know etc)

SS have assessed the risk and feel that for the children to be safe enough certain things need to happen. It’s not within your expertise to re-asesss. Children’s needs are paramount. It is your duty to report. The children can’t and are powerless. Sorry. I know this is hard but you must.

This is poor advice. The OP can’t assess the safety of the children. SS have and have put a plan in place. If that plan isn’t being followed then the children are at risk. It’s not our job to question that. We can’t possibly know if the OPs friend is managing to be a good enough parent or not. You can’t undo the damage caused by developmental trauma easily. The OP needs to report. The children are powerless and need the adults to advocate for them.

I agree with this. Google the name of your local authority and 'children's safeguarding', disclose what you know to them and then they will assess what to do. M they need all information possible to make an informed decision on the children's safety.

All you need to know is share information, not make any decisions.

Would you let her look after under 5 year olds?
Actually regardless, SS plans tend to be quite lenient and if she’s not even doing that the bare minimum, I’d be concerned. And probably report.

She has told you she isn’t following the plan SS have put in place to keep her children. A good friend would want her children to be safe. You know you need to call SS for the sake of the children but also for your friend, imagine how she would feel if something bad happened to those children.

Is she seeing a person whom SS have asked her not to? I would report with specifics ASAP.

If it’s something like keeping the house clean, I’d step in and try to help before contacting SS.

With all due respect, unless you've seen the SS paperwork, you have no idea what their concerns are. You know what she has told you and what you have observed through your friendship. We all have a duty to safeguard and it's her responsibility to safeguard her children. She is openly admitting she isn't. Your duty, IMO, is to report.

Children may be at risk - you call social services - so that she and the children can get help.

So not immediate risk for but still at risk? The children's safety comes before friendship

This is horrible advice.

plenty of the adults raised by addicts are good people. That does not mean that they escaped childhood undamaged by the choices of the parent. We are good people in spite of our parents.