To think we need to meet up less?

[Meowlet]

So my best friend has three DC. She has two primary aged and a toddler, and I have a preschooler. Her DC and my child get on well.

The problem is I am not a fan of her children's behavior. Her eldest will ignore adults or run away when asked to do something, will lie on the floor flailing and temper tantruming if he doesn't get his own way (if he was a toddler, I would understand, but he's at primary school), talks back to adults and talks to them as though he is their equal, makes annoying groaning noises to get adults' attention ..etc. Her middle child is delightful tbh, no issues with her. The youngest, despite only just having turned 1, is lovely until he doesn't get his own way, at which point he screams the house down. This happens multiple times every time we hang out.

The kids are clearly the apple of my friend's eye, and she sees no problem with their behaviours. However, my child is starting to copy them. Aibu if I stop bringing my child around friend's kids? Friend is lovely, and I do like her kids as people, but no way am I okay with my boy behaving like her kids.

I guess I am wondering if I am being unreasonable/too harsh, and if her DC might grow out of this?

Her child may well grow out of it. Why not arrange non-child friendly evening meals out /drinks/theatre trips etc and meet up without kids ? (Mine are older but another friend pointed out when we had preschoolers, Mums would meet up with their friends with the children, Dads meeting up with old friends who also have dcs would do so without the kids in tow.)

assuming you aren’t both single parents, the solution to it not working to meet up with kids isn’t to stop meeting up, but to meet up childfree.

Are children not adults’ equals? Children should be the apple of their parents eye. Some of what you’re saying doesn’t make a lot of sense but essentially if you don’t want your child to copy her children then yes meet up less together.

Her oldest may have SEN from the behaviour you describe, or she may just be a very free range parent. I mean if a child is having a tantrum it is usually made worse by trying to stop it, better to let it fizzle out.

But yes do meet without the children sometimes if you want to stay friends.

Children are normally the apple of their parents eye. Simply teach your own perfect angel child how to behave so that they don’t copy this behaviour. She can’t be a terrible parent if her middle child is so well behaved. Some children are trickier than others as you may well find out when yours is older, or could have SEN. Also it seems a bit harsh to describe a recently turned 1 year old that way, if he was only a baby a matter of weeks ago.

@PercyPigInAWig @blushroses6 of course a mother should love her children, I certainly love my DC. However, whilst she is nice to my Dc and to her own children, she can be quite unfair with other people's kids and have much higher standards of those children than her own. She tells off other friends' children for minor infractions. The sad thing is her oldest does behave for other people, he plays up with mum because he knows she will let him.

Children are of equal value to adults, but they don't have the same wisdom or judgement as adults. Hence, they do need to be capable of doing what safe/trusted adults tell them to do

Children are not the equals of adults. They have neither the same responsibilities nor the same rights and privileges.

That's why every human culture has developed coming-of-age rituals. Because there is a distinction.

I'd distance, OP, unless or until her child shapes up. It doesn't sound pleasant or a good use of your leisure time.

@Meowlet if she is telling off other people’s children that’s not on.
Kids behaving for everyone else except parents is not uncommon, their parents are their safe person.
I agree that children are of equal value and that they need to listen. I disagree with shutting them down just because they are children. People talk about answering back negatively, I prefer to listen and guide, I don’t have an issue with children speaking as equals (different to allowing them to do everything they want but sometimes I think why not do what they want).

@PercyPigInAWig it's the fact that he talks to adults condescendingly and rudely, as if he knows better than they do, and tries to order them about. He's a sweet boy when he's good, but I definitely don't want my child thinking that that's how you treat adults.

It's not that he is expressing that his mum is his safe person sadly, it's that she has ceiling high standards for everyone else's kids, but will let him get away with murder. He is a nice boy by nature, but being given that level of free range to behave badly is spoiling a child who is capable of behaving better

Some friends are best kept as adult meet ups only.

One of my oldest and dearest friends had a DC who was awful to be around (i had DCs the same age) and for a good few years i managed to keep our meet ups child free.

How old the primary child, the age gap between 4-11 is huge. It would be far better to know the actual age then just say primary

@maxus he is 6

Meet your friend without the kids.

So she has one well behaved ,nice kid, a not even yet toddler who tantrums (and you see that as bad behaviour in need for discipline?) and a 6 yo who seems to have some issues.

Foes she parent the girl and the boy differently? If not, why the difference in behaviour? Could it be that there's more going on than either you or her know?

Tbh, if you don't enjoy your time with her when her kids are around, that's totally fair enough and no problem with spending less time with her.

If you just don't want to in case your son picks up their behaviours, I hope you're ready for when he gets to school age and you will have no choice as to what behaviours he is exposed to.

@PaperDoIIs the DD is very mild and quiet, she is no trouble. She's quite mousy and mild, whereas her brother is more outgoing and tests limits. The 1 year old is beyond how I've ever known a 1 year old to be with the amount of kicking/biting/screaming fits. It's one thing to cry, babies do that. It's quite another thing, when someone won't do what he wants, to fix them with a stare and scream full volume for as long as he needs to until he gets what he wants. I do wonder if he is SEN, or if he is copying his big brother, as kids that age are usually no issue behaviorally.

My child will get exposed to a variety of kids, that's fine, but at school there will be 30 in a class and he can choose who to play with. We spend a lot of time with these kids, and the behavior is rubbing off, so maybe we shouldn't' anymore. It's a shame, I like the mum, and when they are behaving the kids are very sweet, but if my boy behaves like they do he's going to be spending a lot of time in the headmaster's office when he goes to school. I'd rather he didn't.