My DH and I have 1 DS10, married 15 years.
He works in construction, we live in a town, commutable (40 mins) to a major city in the UK, in the 15 years we’ve been married he has worked for the same company but on 5 different projects. He loves his job, works long hours but enjoys it. With the exception of maternity leave - 11 months, I’ve worked FT, flexible ish role, where I’ve WFH when not in meetings in the City but have always had mandated things to attend, it was a hybrid role before that term became commonplace.
until the last 5 years I earned a bit less than him, I’ve worked really hard, changed companies a few times and now earn considerably more than him, more than double, last year triple.
I’ve always bent over backwards to facilitate his job, he leaves early so I did all nursery dropping/collection, arranged childcare, nanny, then school came along I do drop offs, arrange clubs attend things. You know parenting stuff. When I have late finishes or early starts he will do them but needs notice, I also have the odd overnight requirement with job and entertaining clients. Quietly I have big events Board presentations etc
there have been flares up, where I’ve called him out on taking the piss by going out all the time, at one point I threatened divorce because he was out after work everyday day when DS was 1, not long after maternity leave, leaving me with collecting DS after work, sorting dinner, nighttime doing everything, I don’t think he realised how awful it was or how how seriously pissed off I was but when confronted things improved, he’s home after work (to a cooked dinner I might add) most days, I do 95% of running around for DS, school runs, clubs etc, etc he goes to the pub too see friends most Friday nights, watches football in the pub Saturday/sunday.
so the issue, he needs a new project, there is one 220 miles away, in another city, 3 years, this will involve Monday - Friday away, initially a fair bit of weekend work, so not even coming home each weekend. He’s keen to do this and won’t even entertain talking to another company about potential roles in our city, just won’t move on from “those companies are all twats” attitude wants to stick with current company. This role isn’t a promotion nor does it pay more.
him being away will make my life significantly more difficult, make my job much harder, we won’t see him much, DS is closer to me but loves his DF, their relationship hasn’t always been great, I’m often the peacemaker. I envision me running around doing everything then sitting at home alone in the evenings whilst he is in the pub with his work mates in the other city having a great time.
my female friends totally get my POV however I met some male work colleagues who seemed outraged that I am happy for him to go or that I’m not not prepared to relocate to the other city (a city I know very well but have no one there) my role is specific to the region and city I’m in, we have some doing the role to cover the other city, so I can’t just pick up a new territory, my DS is year six, secondary application completed and the application window is closed for next year now. My DH hasn’t voiced relocation for the family, I’m not sure why my colleagues seemed obsessed with the idea of it tbh, when I said that my DH would go alone “shag pad” was joked about.
this is my life, my family, my marriage. I don’t have any family near to where I live, 200 miles away. My DH after initially arguing that he wanted to go has seemed to have relented and biding his time to see if a role comes up with current firm locally,things had calmed down but after these comments from my colleagues I’m all over the place, struggling to sleep.
should I just say to DH off you go to the city and suck it up, struggle at home and consider a live in au pair? Should I consider that in doing so he’s checked out of family life and divorce?