He is not going to make a rod for my back

[Gro]

DS was born January 2020, covid baby, no support. It was awful, he didn't sleep. He co slept safely with me, breastfed on demand, it was bearable. Fast forward 2 years stopped bf stopped co sleeping. We had to lay next to his bed until he slept, but he slept so it was ok.

This year we got him to fall asleep on his own regularly, put him in bed at 7 awake he fell asleep. If he woke in the night put him back in bed he went back to sleep

So now.. He still falls asleep regularly but wakes around 10/11pm and requires comforting, fine I go in, hug, i go downstairs, he goes back to sleep. However DH goes in, hugs and stays by his bed until he is asleep. I have said I'm not happy with this.

Tonight I have gone in DS wants me to stay by his bed until he is asleep, I am not going back to this. DH was asleep. I have gone in to DH, woken him up and said he has caused this problem, I don't care if it is my night it is his problem, he can sort it.

AIBU

YABU DS needs you

YANBU DH is making things more difficult

There needs to be a conversation at a sensible time of day. Fwiw I'd say that it would feel like a step back to be staying in with DS again but then again I quite regularly still sit with DD and she is 10, just for the comfort while she relaxes and we have quiet discussions about things that are worrying her.

I guess all parents have their own approach but I've never really seem the problem with staying by your child as they fall asleep.
It's 10 minutes of your evening and your child feels secure and loved.

Totally agree with you.

Your DH is unwittingly ruining/undoing all of the progress 🫤

I totally agree if it was 10 minutes that would be no problem but DS has a special power and between 45 minutes an 2.5 hours is no issue for him. He will talk to the wall, talk to a teddy, violent meltdown, heart wrenching cryfest. He truly is a master of not sleeping.

Thank you. This is what I silently begged for for ages, sitting in the dark on the floor.

He has been up twice since I posted this. Hopefully the message will get through!

I always said I would never spend my evenings lying beside a child waiting for them to go to sleep and I never did. I made myself available but not like that. I know people who would spend every evening lying in the dark. Nah.

The problem is that many children don't fall asleep within 10 minutes. And whilst for some families it's a lovely short-lived few months of sitting with their children every night whilst they fall asleep, for others it can go on for years. DS3 is in his last year of primary and we know DC his age (10/11) who cannot fall asleep alone and have to had a parent present or have to co sleep.

Not all DC gently grow out of these kinds of habits in their own time and it can become a real entrenched problem. Far better to avoid it in the first place! It is perfectly possible to parent a child in a way that makes them feel safe and loved AND have the ability to self settle and fall asleep on their own.

I think kids are quite smart and he'll know who he can do what with. Mine before two knew that dad would take ages so he'd draw it out, but with me.it was 5 minutes then in the cot. I'd let DH do what he wants and you do what you want

I agree in that this needs to be conversation had at a sensible time of day HOWEVER. I would be making it perfectly clear that if DH continues to do this, he will be permanently doing the nights, you have put in a lot of time and work getting DC to sleep in his own bed and you aren't about to have it ruined and then be expected to pick up the pieces. It's not fair on you or the child.

I also agree that for many children, it isn't just a case of they fall asleep. None of mine did. In the end all my kids were in their own rooms by 6 months and I have never allowed them into my bed to sleep, the only exception being when they were very very unwell. My bed = my space.