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AIBU?

Infidelity - spyware?

11 replies

Calafiliona · 24/11/2023 13:52

I know it's pretty pointless because if you need to go down this route the relationship is sort of doomed, but sometimes it's really hard to get the truth out of someone. Has anyone ever used any sort of spyware to access their partner's phone? and how successful was it?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

23 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
83%
You are NOT being unreasonable
17%
Deathbyfluffy · 24/11/2023 13:56

If you don't trust someone and you think they're lying to you, just end the relationship.
If they're lying you get rid of them, and if they're being baselessly accused of being unfaithful they can go and find a partner who deserves them.

There'd be uproar if a man was looking to 'track' a woman like this, and frankly it's just not something there's ever a valid excuse for (from either gender).

randomchap · 24/11/2023 14:03

Just leave.

If the trust has gone so much that you're considering spyware then the relationship is over.

GarlicMaybeNot · 24/11/2023 14:28

randomchap · 24/11/2023 14:03

Just leave.

If the trust has gone so much that you're considering spyware then the relationship is over.

It's not so straightforward in real-life relationships. Only fools trust unconditionally but, if I'm feeling suspicious about my partner, it could be (amongst other things):

  • I'm having a hormonal blip & feeling unusually insecure
  • Something's triggered an old insecurity of mine
  • I'm feeling insecure because he's undermining me, but it could be fixed
  • He's undermining me and it can't be fixed
  • One of us is going through something privately and should talk about it
  • He's lying through his teeth
  • Someone else is trying to make me suspect him

Flailing around in a sea of uncertainty does nothing to help identify the issue. If I merely tell him I'm feeling insecure, I still won't know whether his assurances are honest or just more gaslighting.

Nobody leaves a marriage lightly. If, as often happens, it breaks down due to "loss of trust", the doubting partner leaves with a mass of unanswered questions that will haunt her and her future relationships, likely needing therapy to resolve because she still doesn't know what the problem was. This is why gaslighting is so cruel.

It's better to have a Yes or No answer, if you can get one.
Flickersy · 24/11/2023 14:30

Putting spyware on your partner's phone is abusive. It doesn't matter how "good" your reasons are.

Just leave. Get therapy to help you move on.

Frabbits · 24/11/2023 14:33

It's illegal to install tracking software on a person's phone without consent. Just saying.

Sartre · 24/11/2023 14:36

I wouldn’t jump into leaving a long term
partner/spouse purely because I believed they might be cheating. Unless you have hard evidence, it’s just pure conjecture and may just be your own insecurities. Don’t install spyware though, pretty sure that’s illegal and it’s definitely immoral.

You need to ask outright. Sure, people can lie but if you know someone well enough, you will know if they’re lying or not.

KrisAkabusi · 24/11/2023 14:43

I'm having a hormonal blip & feeling unusually insecure
Something's triggered an old insecurity of mine
One of us is going through something privately and should talk about it
Someone else is trying to make me suspect him

These are all excuses, none of which justify putting spyware on your partner's phone!

GarlicMaybeNot · 24/11/2023 14:55

@KrisAkabusi, I'm not advocating spyware as such. I'm countering the "just leave" remarks with a quick outline of why we need answers. Those answers can be hard to get.

It shouldn't need saying, but there's a moral difference between spying on someone to gain control over them and doing it to gain control over your own life.

My own experiences happened when personal tech was a lot less sophisticated, involving old-fashioned sleuthing. It was just as miserable. These days, I live by the rule that one should never trust a person who instructs you to trust them! It's a blunt instrument but self-protective.

KrisAkabusi · 24/11/2023 15:01

It shouldn't need saying, but there's a moral difference between spying on someone to gain control over them and doing it to gain control over your own life.

Really? I doubt the person being spied on would see it like that. If any man came on here to say that he spied on his wife because he wanted to prove to himself that she wasn't cheating, he would rightly have his arse handed to him!

GarlicMaybeNot · 24/11/2023 15:15

He wouldn't if his story did indeed suggest she was cheating. He'd be asked to try more conventional methods first, including breaking into her phone!

As I've said, I just wouldn't put myself through this again. Nothing but complete, relaxed transparency will do. It's a direct result of having my trust abused - and is itself unreasonable.

Had I been able to get quick answers to my "is he or isn't he?" fears, those relationships would've been a lot shorter and ended with more dignity all round. If, on the other hand, there was nothing to see then I'd have found a therapist to address my insecurities (and confessed to them about the spying).

Catza · 24/11/2023 16:59

Accessing someone's phone without their permission is in violation of privacy laws. Using software is leaving the exact proof that gets you prosecuted. Is truth really worth it? Why do you need to know? Just leave with your head held high. No need to resort to criminal behaviour over a bloke.

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