How to help anger issues.

[Mooshamoo]

My dad wasn't there for when I was a child. I wrote to him to ask him to see me and he wouldnt. I was constantly wondering and wondering. I didn't have his phone number but I had his address which was in another country. I thought about him all the time qnd I felt I needed to see him

When I was am adult I dedided to go and visit him. In hindsight I very much wish I hadnt. As the signs were there already from his side that he wasn't interested. And it was just going to cause me trauam. However as a young woman I constantly thought about him and I decided to go and vist. I went to visit him once in my early twenties. I just turned up at his front door , as he wouldn't answer any letters. He was polite enough to me on the day I was there and said he would see me again .however when I got home he wrote me a letter saying he had changed his mind and said that he didn't want to see me ever again..I couldn't put myself through it again, and I accepted what he said. He is now dead.

Since then I have had a lot of anger issues. I'm snappy and hard. I've been to lots of therapy over it but nothing has helped my anger and coldness. I'm cold to other people now. He hurt me and my heart is hardened now to other people. I don't like who I am.

I've tried so much to find a way to help myself with my anger issues. I can't seem to accept what he did. I know I have to accept it as I can't change it.
I was just wondering has anyone helped themselves with anger issues. What techniques did you use. Thank you.

I am sorry that you had such a difficult relationship with your father. It is positive to recognise that your anger stems from the relationship you wanted and couldn't have, and likely feelings of hurt and rejection caused by those.

My own realtionship with my dad was also difficult albeit differently and I was angry long into my 30s. What helped me come to terms with it, and move on from the anger, was finding compassion for my dad, and understanding why he acted as he did. Ultimately, he was also a flawed human being with his own neurodivergence and set of inherited traumas that contributed to his inability to show love, and to express himself other than through anger and violence. Seeing that my dad's actions were about his own issues and were painful for him and not about me released some of my sense of shame and resentment and set me on a path to healing. Also, learning why certain things would trigger me and how I put up barriers that make it hard to let others get close — the breaking down of those barriers is difficult, but possible.

Ultimately change can only come from your commitment to ending the cycle that your dad perpetuated with you. If you have your own children, commit to not passing coldness to them and work everyday on one small act of kindness in each realtionship you cherish, that nurtures rather than forecloses it. At a certain point we become the adults responsible for how we behave in the world, and owe it to ourselves to step up and deal with our hurt and pain. You can do this. Keep going.

Just to add to this: finding compassion is not about letting him off the hook, or moving away from blame, but seeing your struggles as connected to his struggles. He for whatever reason chose to pass on the pain, it isn't logical to be angry with him for that and blame him, while simultaenously acting as he acted. Instead you can accept that the pain you are feeling now is some version of the pain he held and passed to you, if you can say 'I'm sorry you felt this too, I refuse to pass it on as you did,' you can hold space that makes him accountable but also fills with compassion for him and yourself, and a means of transforming.

It's true. If you don't forgive someone, it only causes deep anger in yourself.

I was reading an article written by Wayne dyer. He is a spiritual author and his dad abandoned him when he eats a child. When he went to look for his dad later in life he found that his dad was dead.

He said that he was totally eaten up with anger and his life was a total mess. He became an alcoholic. And he went to his dads grave to shout at him. He said when he was there he felt a love from his dad and he was able to forgive his father. After that waynes life improved and he went on to write a bestselling book.

I am going to sit down and try to forgive my father. I am going to journal on it and write on it

What is up with my autocorrect.

That should say "his dad abandoned him when he WAS a child".

Yes that's correct.

Was there something you wanted to add?

So either you didn't see him since you were a teen or you visited him in your 20s.... You're being inconsistent

Who are you? The thread police?

Your posts are unbelievable. Here is a woman in deep pain and your takeaway is that she hasn't shared her story in a way that is acceptable to you.

OP please ignore these truly awful contributions from someone who clearly has no compassion or common sense.

The thread police again! They always get my back up.

Regardless of the finer details OP is trying to work through these issues

I haven't been inconsistent anywhere.

I said on the other thread that I was abandoned by my dad as a child, and that I went over to see my uncle and cousins when I was an adult in my late twenties, and that they told me it was my fault , that my dad wouldn't see me.

It doesn't say on the other thread anywhere that I never saw my father again, after my dad abandoned me as a child. Does it ?

When I went to see my uncle and cousins, in my late twenties , I also saw my father on that visit. I turned up at his door to see him as he wouldn't answer my letters. That was the first time I had seen him since I was aged 14. I hadn't seen him for 13 years.

The exact time line of my life was:
I saw him my dad once when I was age 7, and once again when I was age 9. Then I saw him once when I was 12, once when I was 13 and I saw him once when I was 14. That was the last time I saw him as a teenager.

Then he sent me a letter saying he didn't want to see me or my brother ever again. I couldn't accept this and I spent the next ten years writing to him asking him to please see me.
He wouldnt reply to any letter.

As I constantly thought and wonder d about my dad, 13 years later when I was aged 27, I decided to go and turn up on his door which was very nerve-wracking as he wouldn't answer my letters. It was a scary thing for em to do. He lived in another country.

I went and I saw my uncle and cousins too that time (who weren't nice to me, they told me it was my fault my dad wouldn't see me as apparantly I had written a nasty letter to my dadas a teenager(. Which made no sense. I said to them "but I was a teenager". They didn't care. They didn't care that I was suffering in my life without my dad.

I went to my dad's house. He was polite on the day.

But when I went home after this visit, my dad sent me a letter saying he didn't want to see me again

I was so emotionally broken from it all that I couldn't try again. And I sent him a letter back saying "ok I accept that you don't want to see me again".

Now he is dead.

Thank you very much . That is very kind of you ♥️

@MaisyAndTallulah thank you very much. That is very kind of you.

@SwedishSchnauzer and thank you too lovely ♥️

You need to check out OPs threads, there is a drama of some sort every other week, it's getting tiresome

What's your issue? That I post every week. Lots of posters post every week. Lots of people post every week about different issues. You also seem to post every week as you seem to post on a lot of my threads.

I don't follow you. Or even know what you are posting. Why are you following me onto every thread I post.

If you don't like me just ignore me.

You don't need to follow me and comment on every single thread that I post. Your comments are extemely tiresome and annoying.

And also your posts are incorrect. As i wasn't inconsistent on this thread.

Why are you obsessing over the op like this?

You do know what you can do, very easily, to avoid any posters or threads you find "tiresome"?

I had 18 months of therapy seeing a clinical psychologist and I've also done a lot of reading. I think the reading helped more than the therapy tbh. I read a lot about what early childhood should look like versus what mine did. I read extensively about anger and irritation and just started to dig deeper into why I think what I think, what triggers me and why. There's a lot to unpick!
I'm sorry your Dad was inadequate... it really had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. You really deserved better. Sometimes I think we can make peace with these things by evolving and knowing that we are different, better and will live out our lives not doing what was done to us.

I have some trauma with some lingering effects from my dad being a junkie growing up, been through a couple of courses of CBT through the NHS. I hated them at the time but they have worked. I'd speak to your GP and see if they can get you referred on. I don't know how to phrase this and I'm honestly coming with good intentions but I skimmed a couple of your old threads to try understand what previous posters were talking about I think it's worse going to see if you get some CBT or other therapy to help