To think actually I am a bad mum…

[BrokenGirl123]

I’m really struggling with my 4 year old’s behaviour. She gets so angry if she doesn’t get her way. She hits and kicks me, pulls my hair, shouts at me. She also hits her sister during these episodes (obviously I separate them and keep her safe, but she turns really quickly so it’s hard). They can last up to half an hour. I’m trying so hard to be consistent with boundaries, but it doesn’t seem to help. I’m at loss as to what to do.

I’m separated from their dad, but still in the same house. Had to go court but finances are finally sorted and I will be moving out soon. He hasn’t spoken to me for 2 years, or even looked at me, even in front of the children. I’ve found this really hard. I left him because of the silent treatment, criticism etc and have had support from Women’s Aid.

My 4 year old only displays this behaviour with
me, not her dad. I’m not sure why and it’s really getting me down. One of the reasons I left was that he told me I wasn’t a good mum and in the divorce he suggested he should get a bigger share of the assets because of my PPD (which I had long since recovered from).

I’ve tried so hard to be strong, but I just feel really broken. I’m so down, I think it must be me and I am just a bad mum and I haven’t been able to see it.

Posting for some support really but AIBU to think I’m just a bad mum…

Reading your post it seems obvious to me she is reacting to the tension in the house, she probably kicks off with you because she is relaxed and stable with you.

He hasn’t spoken to me for 2 years, or even looked at me, even in front of the children

She's treating you this way because she sees how her dad treats you. You need to sort the living situation out ASAP.

I think viewing this through the lens of ‘good mum’ and ‘bad mum’ is deeply unhelpful and doesn’t do anything to help you. It’s obvious that both your daughter and yourself have experienced trauma as a result of your husbands behaviour (at the very least). She is possibly acting out because she feels the tension in the house, but equally little children do act out and that behaviour needs to be managed with consistency, boundaries, consequences and love.

is there any ability to access some therapeutic help for you both through Women’s Ad?

Maybe she needs play therapy or something the silent treatment you endure for two years from her father maybe damaging to her development too and well being too. Maybe a child psychologist will come along to give their expert advice. Hope you move out asap but her Dad is going to continue to erode you for the rest of time as he sounds like a psycho.