Replying at midnight

[Secretpassword]

I'm a working mother of 2 and living partner for 10 years. My partner and I have a healthy relationship besides the fact that he can be jealous. Luckily I don't give him many reasons to release the green eyed monster. Even still, he's not aggressive, just seems to eat him up inside. At work, I took a guys number to chat about a possible perk deal between my team in exchange for his team. The conversation was brief and appropriate. We're not in the professional world and office hours do not apply to our lines of work. The guy is well aware of my family and seems totally respectful. He, alongside my dad has dropped a WhatsApp message at 23;50. I was lightly sleeping, partner was up and pottering about. I answered both messages.

Big problem!

I apologise multiple times, wake up, it's still an issue, my apologies weren't valid as I was apparently asleep, he's not leaving it alone. He says It's extremely inappropriate and I don't get it and so on. He carries on to say we need to have a conversation about it.

I believe it's way over the top. I feel belittled. I feel I'm being treated as untrustworthy or something under that umbrella. I can't accept being spoken to this way.

AIBU?

Your partner’s response is totally unreasonable, controlling , and although you say he’s not aggressive, his behaviour suggests otherwise.

If it were my partner, I would be telling him to back off, that it’s not his business and that his jealous attitude should not be my problem.

If you want to stick with him, I would suggest couples counselling. But of course, he needs to understand he has a problem.

His behaviour is in no way OK.

Sorry, but he’s both unreasonable and, by the sound of it, very controlling. You can receive messages from whoever you want, whenever you want. He does
not have the right to dictate this to you or demand explanations, when there’s zero evidence of anything untoward.

My partner and I have a healthy relationship besides the fact that he can be jealous. Luckily I don't give him many reasons to release the green eyed monster

Even before this incident his jealousy was a problem. It's worrying that you frame this as you giving him reasons to be jealous - rather than his jealousy being an inherent issue. The problem is him, not whatever reasons you may or may not give.

This incident is a good example. You didn't give him any real reasons to be jealous. The messages were appropriate - professional, not even platonic. The time of day or night is completely irrelevant. And yet he went off on one and made you feel like shit.

I would not have apologised. There's nothing to apologise for. I would be furious if my partner tried to gaslight me into thinking this was inappropriate and would be making it clear that jealousy is a dealbreaker for me - I will not live with a jealous partner. He would need to be apologising, and it would need to be profuse.

You say "I have a healthy relationship besides the fact that he can be jealous". You clearly don't have a healthy relationship.

What you've described (on the face of it) is a series of brief and professional exchanges with a colleague which happened to take place late at night. This is not your partner's concern and he should stay out of it.

I'm not totally clear on the sequence of events but you appear to say you replied to the messages while you were asleep but I gather he basically got pissed off that you responded to a message late at night?

How you manage your work life is up to you to decide. Unless you are cheating or flirting with someone it has nothing to do with him.

(I will say that I have seen the reverse on many threads here, and there are definitely plenty of MNers who think messaging anyone of the opposite sex after 10pm is inappropriate. They're batshit too.)

In no way does this relationship sound healthy. So many mumsnetters post “we have a great relationship and all is wonderful but…”
No it’s an issue.

Indeed.

But even if you accept that messaging people of the opposite sex out of hours is wrong (which is rubbish and unworkable for most working people), the OP can't exactly prevent someone from contacting her proactively.

OP he sounds very controlling. You need to make absolutely clear that you're not going to tolerate having him dictate your work patterns or work communication.

I'm sorry but that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. He doesn't own you. Who does he think he is?
I couldn't stay with someone so controlling.