Feeling not enough for my partner

[Feelinginakafuffle]

Where to even start, what a year but will talk about tonight.

So me and my partner do not go out much at all but when we do it's a local pub, 2 young children and no sitters mostly.

So planned a sitter for tomorrow, partner has been on and on for a while now how his life is different now and a night out to him is to rave until the early hours taking many drugs and coming home when the birds tweet.. Reminises constantly about how his life was before me and the kids what he used to do.

I have asked for 2 days what he wants to do and where he wants to go out, I prefer a local pub and don't have the opportunity often to go to bars and clubs but so up for it.

Basically because I could go on he is not looking forward to going out with me and no matter what I put forward he wants to do nothing unless it's a rave with plenty of drugs.

Making me feel so down and not good enough.. I don't know what to do

Feeling really down and vulnerable at the moment I don't have a strong friendship group or family, mostly just me and the kids.

I'm probably not great fun but feeling like I've had the wind knocked out of me.

He cheated just after I had my first baby and again when Id had our second child after suffering post natal depression.

Has been accused last year of trying it on with someone very close to me and I chose to stay.

Hardest year of my life

I would let him go. Both literally and metaphorically.

He sounds really immature.

@KimberleyClark this is what I said tonight after literally holding back tears and asking him what we could do together that he would enjoy after arranging a babysitter.

I finally snapped calling him a child and he stomped up to bed saying he can't be assed

I had so much patience tonight I can't tell you

So he has cheated on you at least twice and thinks that a good night out has to involve raves and drugs, despite having 2 young children?

What a charmer. OP what on earth are you doing with this creep?

@Valid8me i think right now I can't imagine my kids losing what they know, I also don't have many people I'm actually really lonely and I've put up with so much I just muddle along, it's crazy to be honest

He sounds vile, I'm sorry, it's not a nice to thing to hear but you know this. It's nothing to do with you & everything to do with him but you must feel gutted.

If (when) he's unfaithful again he will just blame you for not being exciting enough, not that he's a massive prick - which he is. Huge. Enormous twat.

Don't put yourself through this any longer.

@Caerulea thankyou, I just don't have it in me and I think it's because I feel that low I can't leave.
I feel insignificant and like I will be a wreck caring for the kids

What an embarrassment of a boyfriend you have. You’ll need frequent STD checks if you choose to not dump the scumbag. Are you ok with having a druggie round your kids?
Time to prioritise your kids over your 100% shit bloke, you can work on your standards and self esteem once you’ve dumped him. It’s not really good enough to just shrug and say you’re low, when you’re making your kids live with druggie trash. I imagine he’s not an exemplary, engaged parent, nor an intelligent feminist or worthwhile human in general?

@Feelinginakafuffle oh you absolutely do have it in you, I promise! It's no wonder at all you feel so low & that won't change staying around him.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids because they are going to grow up thinking this is normal. Potentially just feeling like you do, which is a hindrance to their dad's need to act like a fucking teenager. It's embarrassing really & he's pathetic.

Hand on heart - can you ever forgive him cheating on you at your most vulnerable?

@EvenBetta he does not take drugs around the kids and never has around me

He is going back to the times he had before me and this is what I don't understand, it's never been our life so why now, why would that be a priority over what we have

I'm a good parent and would never let my children around that nor would I want to do it even if we have a sitter which is part of his problem

A night out for me is good company and a local pub but I am been made to feel a certain way

@Caerulea no hun I don't think I have and it seems to be that he can never fully pick me up from that because he continues to make me feel so shit.

I know i don't make him feel great because I pick at what he has done wrong but he never seems to make up for it, always another reason to doubt him and now this

Thank you for your words honestly it means so much right now

How old is he?

Like, 20? A 20 year old who still thinks he's 16??

You don't need him.

He’s trash.
When you choose to do better in life and do better for your kids, there’s plenty of help available from posters, Women’s Aid, therapy.
Until then, there’s nothing anyone can say to you. It’s up to you to choose to raise your standards. Ensure you’re being STD tested every other month.

Oh love! I’m sorry to have to say this but I don’t think your partner loves you. He has no respect for you, has cheated on you twice, that you know of.🤷‍♀️
He is grinding you down and making you feel worthless, when you are worth ten of him.
He’s a loser!
Tell him you’ve had enough and he’s going to have to leave. He’s the one who has to leave, not you!!!
You haven’t mentioned your financial situation but you can get help with benefits, Citizens Advice will tell you all you are entitled to and you will have a much happier life than staying with this pillock.

I was in a similar situation and left him. You should too, you deserve WAY better.

Listen. If you are not enough for your partner that's HIS problem not yours.

@LauraRacĥ4 can I ask your situation? I just feel so insecure, this weekend has been ok but still I feel not OK Xxx

Lovely, honestly you deserve so much more in life. You need and deserve someone who appreciates and loves you for you. He has no respect for you at all. Yes, without him life will be different from the one you imagined but you will blossom once this waste of space is done hanging around your neck.

The people we live with are a bit like mirrors. If your partner doesn’t show you love and respect, you’re constantly being confronted with this reflected version of yourself that is unloveable and worthless. And it is incredibly hard to maintain a strong self image and self esteem in those circumstances.

But once these feelings get internalised, it’s harder and harder to break away because you feel weak and therefore dependent. But by keeping close to source of the poison you get weaker and weaker. There’s some hope for you if you’ve had better experiences in the past, and especially if you had a secure and loved childhood which creates the most powerful templates. It’s hard to give your own dc that when you’re being psychologically drained and depleted.

How old are your dc? You say you don’t want to change everything they know, but the younger they are the less they’ll remember. Life with small dc is hard, but not as hard as having a cheating dh, worrying about stds and who knows what else.

Thank you for your replies, I absolutely need to build myself back up... I do feel down there.
Did not have a good upbringing, very unsupportive, my parents are lovely people but had a very toxic environment growing up which stemmed from their upbringing and as much as I hate the behaviours I know they didn't mean to be how they were.
Life's so difficult isn't it I just want this train to stop