To think I’m an overthinking mess?

[ItsMeHiiii]

I really don’t know what is wrong with me.
My partner is lovely. We all have our faults and sometimes he communicates differently to me, but on the whole he tries his best and he really cares for me and loves me.

But, if he does the tiniest thing different, I panic and I think about it. He gets upset because he’ll explain why he’s done something slightly different, or apologise, but he then says I need to stop expecting things or telling him how to act.

For example, and this sounds so ridiculous even typing it. We take it in turns to make coffee before he goes to work, but he had an early meeting. I texted him to say “just got two mugs out and forgot you weren’t here”. He replied saying “aw sorry. I left the key on the table x”
Now normally he’s super soppy and would be like “awwwww I love that”

This is where I feel so ridiculous because my brain tells me he’s going off me. I know logically he’s probably super busy, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me anymore etc. I’ve been thinking about it all day and I know if I bring up a non-issue, he will say he was busy or it doesn’t mean anything bad.

I know I need to stop pestering him for non-issues. He hates it when I say he “would normally” do something because he says I can’t possibly know. Plus he’s not actually doing anything wrong.

But I can’t get these things out of my head. It’s like I need to control things for me own safety and the poor guy isn’t a robot.

What on earth do I do to help myself?

How long have you been together? Do you normally struggle with interpersonal rships? Like with friends etc also? Just curious if this has been a long-standing issue for you. The more comfortable you get in a relationship, you shouldn't need so much reassurance. I can often change how I react depending on the day, stress, how much sleep I have had. It would be exhausting to have things like this picked over. Maybe counselling would be a good place to start to understand why you are behaving this way?

We’ve been together a year and a half and yes, I have struggled with relationships over the years. I’ve had people abandon me and I think I’m worried he’ll do the same. I think so negatively of myself that I think he can’t possible love me, so when he does something I perceive as different, it must be because he’s going off me I guess

I feel your pain. This used to be me. I went through therapy and the most important thing I learned was to not make someone else responsible for my happiness. It's easier said than done but now a slightly off message from my husband will not ruin my day at all and by the time he comes home I've forgotten all about it.

There is a wealth of fantastic books on Amazon that can help, but honestly you do need help. That's not an attack on you I just remember the sick feeling in my stomach for years and how much better and happier I am now. The book I loved was called 'the greatest self help book, is the one written by you'.

Best of luck!

I understand, I had similar struggles and I found it exhausting and mentally draining. You can end up inadvertently pushing people away because of coming across so needy. I really do recommend counselling, CBT. Get some tools to help you with the negative thought patterns, help yourself get some esteem. This truly is the only way to stop this negative cycle. It's very easy when you have no confidence in yourself to look for evidence of potential abandonment, even if it's not there.

You've said yourself you feel ridiculous writing it so you do know you're bu. You sound like you suffer anxiety in relationships, maybe speak to someone who can help with that, you'll end up pushing him away otherwise. Hope you get some good advice on here 😊

It’s weird because my brain knows the logical explanations, and I can tell myself those thoughts in my head - but I still feel like I need to ask him just to make sure

A year and a half into a relationship is often the point where you're transitioning from honeymoon phase to longterm comfortable commitment. The level of soppiness during the early stages of a relationship can't be sustained forever. For people with relationship anxiety, this can be a very difficult time as you interpret the little differences in communication as him going off you, when actually it sounds like a very natural progression.

I second the above suggestions to do some reading and look into therapy or counselling if you can. I think you should resist the urge to seek reassurance as a solution. It might feel like it would help in the moment, but that's making it his problem to fix, and the work has to come from you.