To expect him to stop looking at TikTok

[UpWhenItsDark]

We have 2 kids. One is 5 and ASD and is v challenging. He has meltdowns after school most days.

DH is becoming increasingly withdrawn. He looks at TikTok all evening until he falls asleep, scrolling so fast with no breaks. DH seems v anxious and has actually developed a twitch/tic in the last few months.

I want him to get off it for his own sake but also because I feel v lonely. DS is a huge amount to manage and I'd love a cuddle or a conversation at the end of the day. I want to talk about the day. DH says he wants to switch off. So maybe I should just accept it?

I feel its rude though when I'm handling 90% of DS and then I come downstairs after doing bedtime and DH is on his phone (he doesn't do bedtime anymore as can't cope, so he tidies the kitchen instead). If I try to talk to DH about DS appointments etc I get grunts and I ask him to listen or respond he says "I have listened to everything would you like me to repeat it" or something equally sarcastic

He says I need to leave him alone. Do I?

Yep leave him alone.....permanently. He has checked out and doesn't care.

He’s horrible 😳 I have a child with complex autism and if dh did this I’d be furious. Why does he get to check out?!

He sounds exhausted/worn out.

It is not fair for him to leave it all to you though.

Is it a recent diagnosis/is DH struggling with that aspect?

Do you get any time just the two of you? Does DS cope with a babysitter for example?

Yes he is exhausted and distracting himself. He is in denial and gets v angry and upset. After a DS meltdown DH will become distant and seem v sad and then he just lies on the sofa on tiktok. I am sympathetic. I used to try and say supportive things to DH like "we are making progress" or "DS language getting better" but I don't habe it in me to keep another adults morale high especially when he ignores me most of the time anyway. He just wants to be left alone. But then I'm just alone with no one to talk to after working all day and coping with DS all evening.

He says that it's his coping mechanism like I might have a tea or a wine and watch some crap on telly.

Well perhaps, but it seems more like a maladaptive coping strategy, as it's not really helping him cope, is it? It sounds more like an escape from reality.

Do you think he's struggling with DS' behaviour and difficulties now, with the fact that he himself feels ill equipped to deal with them, or the idea of what the future might be like, or the idea of him having "a label" and doctors' appointments etc? (Or do you have no idea as he won't talk to you?) Because I think that the idea of DS making progress, or getting an update about his appointments etc is likely to only be helpful if it's solely the current behaviour he's struggling with. If it's any/all of the rest, then it might actually be that hearing you say those things is almost adding on to the load of scary/hard things which is making it harder for him to react appropriately. (This is not a criticism of you. But you might be seeing things in a totally different light, this is very common).