Colleague always taking potshots at me

[Tapasita]

I work with a woman who is forever taking me down in meetings or when we go out socially as a team. She’s about 10 yrs younger than me and in a higher position than me - she’s got nothing to worry about, I don’t pose any threat to her. I am never provoking, I keep my head down, do my job and yet, she’s always quick to make snide comments, or calls me out on little things I say.

It’s almost as though she wants me
to bite. I get such a negative vibe from her and yet she’s not like this with anyone else, and they love her; she’s well respected in the team; friendly and approachable. I have seen another side to her and it’s odd, as I’m wondering why she’s like that to me and whether anyone else has noticed.

If I said the sky was blue she’s say it’s black. Everything I say is picked up on and thrown back with a smile, or in a light manner so as to cloak the digs.

Do you have, or have you had experience of this at work and how did you deal with it? Thankfully we work on different projects so our paths don’t often cross but the feeling I get from her is that she’s firmly trying to put me back in my box. And I’ve also noticed that every time I speak in one of our team meetings she starts laughing along with her line manger who is also smirking and they’re clearly typing messages to one another in the chat. I’m too old now to let it bother me as much as it would ten years ago or whatever but I do find the behaviour quite petty. They’ve clearly got a clique going on and I’m their entertainment.

It does make me want to STFU and not speak at all.

So sorry that you are going through this. It's really shitty behaviour from your colleagues.

I have the same thing in one of my volunteer roles so I know how uncomfortable it can make you feel.

The next time she makes a comment and laughs, say (assertively) "what do you mean by that?". Whatever her reply is, repeat the question. "What do you mean by that?". Keep eye contact. She will have to face up to her behaviour.

As above, and when they are smirking amongst themselves, call them out by asking ‘am I missing something Jan and John?’ So everyone’s attention turns to them.
Shine a spotlight on her behaviour every single time.

Bullying. So school playground. Yes agree be assertive, calm and send out serene happy self confident vibes. Don’t let her undermine your confidence. ‘Water off a duck’s back’helped me.

Whilst I can see why you would suggest that, I'm going to advise against it. Calling someone out for laughing only works if there is no doubt (to everyone in the room) that they are laughing at you. Otherwise it can backfire.

Calling out direct 'pops' is the way to do it because there can be no doubt that the comments are made towards you.

Hope that makes sense? It's just so important to make sure other people are witness to the 'obvious' stuff.

Do you think it would be a good idea to straight out ask her does she have a problem with you ?say that you've picked up some negative feelings from her ? Because if there's been a misunderstanding you would like to clear the air ?You have to build a sound working relationship together and you feel that currently that isn't the case .
Obviously I don't know the woman so I don't know how she would respond to that ?

@Flibbertygibbetty

I do agree actually that it is a form of bullying. It’s so silly. Why on earth she even feels the need is beyond me. Maybe it makes her look good to put someone else down. I think it must be that

On reflection I even think she is quite unsure of herself in n some ways. But she’s the first to raise a challenge - it’s almost like she’s doing it to bolster her self-esteem.

@Celticliving ’s advice to ask ‘what do you mean by that?’ is super effective for situations where people are making these kind of comments/ putting down everything you say.

I had a man who was like this to me and asking him that completely unsettled him and stopped him after I did it a few times.

It turned out he didn’t like me because I looked like his ex. Erm. Okay.

Definitely don’t stop saying things in meetings because of this woman!

Have you raised it with your manager? I would want to know if one of my team was experiencing this!

Can you not see the team messages in the chat?

She clearly doesn't like you and she's unprofessional enough to not hide it, so I'd take her aside and ask what's up.

Along with 'what did you mean by that', it can be good to say innocently "I see people are laughing; did I say something funny?". They won't tell you of course, but if you just point it out and ask why whenever they start in meetings, it will draw everyone's attention to what they're doing.

It's a lot easier said then done of course. Being undermined and bullied at work is miserable, and so hard to deal with.