Child’s father won’t come for Christmas

[Changednayme]

My child’s father (not together) was meant to be coming up in early December for an early Christmas with our daughter who’s just turned 5. It’s separate from our own Christmas and the only time he could make and I have already told her he is coming so I don’t know what to tell her now. He hardly sees her because of work. He’s just told me he can’t come unless I pay. I don’t know what he’s spent his money on because two weeks ago he could more than afford it. I am on benefits, have things to pay for. He lost his job but is being supported by his parents and has more than 10k in savings. He has no costs other than food because he’s living with them until he can get another job

You tell your child the truth in a child appropriate way. Sorry daddy decided not to come after all. And move on.

He hardly sees her because of work.

i doubt she’s care then

and sounds like a blessing to me

where was he going to stay with her? take her back to his parents? to somewhere she hardly knows?

He was meant to stay here

Hmmm

i’m not surprised then he’s having second thoughts

when was the last time your daughter actually saw him?

You to tell the truth. Daddy has decided not to come.

It's not your responsibility to fund him, I'm sure he has parents and friends who could help him if he needed it, and it sounds as though he has his own money to use if he wanted to.

I sense this might have been more important to you than her. He has chosen to prioritise other things over visiting her. Take it as an indication of his fickleness and make other plans.

Whatever you do, don't spend the little money you have on funding him out of a misplaced sense of guilt. He is responsible for his relationship with his daughter, not you. At her age she will take her lead from you on how to react, especially as she doesn't have much of a relationship with him, so just keep it breezy .

It’s very sad for your DD that her father and grandparents don’t seem to be making an effort to see her, but we don’t know the background. Perhpas in the future it is better not to give her any expectations of time with him and wait to see what he actually does.

Don’t be coerced into him pressurising you into paying per view! He should want to see her but obviously has ‘issues’. You will be her security and joy this Christmas and she will pick up your mood so be positive and find lovely moments of wonder without the need for spending or him.

Please don't cave in and pay. That will only set precedent.

Fuck him. You will never understand him because you would never flake on your daughter like this, especially at Christmas.
Can you do something else christmassy that day? Put your tree up? Christmas movies and hot chocolate?

I would send a calm but positive text back saying, "Oh well, never mind, I had a back up plan just in case so we'll do that. "

I can see why he is an ex. Tell her daddy decided not to come. Stick to facts, they speak for themselves.

I'd also let his parents know he has cancelled early Christmas with his DD (unless they are as feckless and flaky as him)..

Why on earth would you put him up??

”Daddy’s just let me know that he won’t be able to come at Christmas after all darling.”

The end.

Well, this doesn't add up, does it? He can't come any other time because of work, but also he hasn't got a job. He can't afford the travel, but he's got 10k in savings. Let me guess, he doesn't pay anything towards DD either.
Just tell her he's cancelled, you don't know why, and you'll have some fun times together.
How far away does he live? Not that it matters, if he cared at all he'd do everything possible to see his DD for Christmas , or at all.

Just remember your daughter is the wonderful one out of the 2 of them, he's missing out on so much more than she is, she's the one worth knowing not him. You can't make him care so let the anger go, it won't help you.

Kids are really resilient. You’re disappointed because he’s shown himself - yet again - to be a shitty deadbeat dad, and you can’t understand how he could bear to disappoint your DD, because you love her so much. But honestly, to him she’s clearly not at all a priority and that’s his loss in the end. But it’s not your DD’s loss. Because she’s better off without him if he can’t be reliable.

As the first poster said - tell her he can’t make it, but not to worry because you and she can still enjoy doing X [Christmas baking, a walk to see the lights, decorate the tree, whatever]. Be upbeat and cheerful.

This - perfect. He clearly can pay, he wants you to pay. No way.

Daddy doesn't fail to see her because of work or money. Daddy doesn't see her cos Daddy can't be fucked and she's not a priority to him.

Be honest with yourself over this OP. Don't buy into the bullshit by repeating it. It will help you process it and deal with it appropriately for your daughter's sake.

It is not in your daughter's interests for you to facilitate a feckless flake to see his own daughter. He's an adult capable of making it happen if he wants to. He doesn't want to.

He is choosing not to see or support his child.

That's on him.

CMS for support.

And if you want to instigate regular contact then suggest drawing up a visit schedule.

But if he cannot be bothered not much you can do.

I don't think his personal circumstances are relevant. What is relevant is that he doesn't see his daughter and decided he is not going to see her now either.
You need to tell her the truth (don't make excuses for him) and then do something nice instead. She may be upset but she will be fine in no time at all. I would consider not facilitating any visits in the future.